I’m confused. I wish the words liberal and conservative would rediscover their meaning and stop consorting with scoundrels like the Democratic and Republican parties. And I wish we could de-politicize colors. Although it was pretty easy to choose a color in the great red and blue contest of 2008, I think I’m really something more like purple, given what red and blue have come to mean. And purple just seems a little indecisive somehow. But who – if they’re paying attention -  wouldn’t be a little undecided, in a time when both near-socialists like myself and a rabid neo-con like Free Republic’s Jim Robinson joke about the need for revolution, rather than voting. I think I’d fall into the liberal category simply because I don’t want some demented, rapture-driven Ayn Rand capitalist deciding who we can have sex with, or racist nutjobs like the GOP base deciding anything for us. But I can’t say I’m ecstatic with the current administration either. I know that campaigns are poll-driven marketing machines designed to appeal to nebulous but emotional voter values (like mine), but I have to admit I still feel a little suckered by the “Hope & Change” pitch. I see the former fading in a lot of people, and very little of the latter. So rather than continue thinking for myself, which has never done me any good, I decided to submit my indecision to science, and took the Pew Research Typology Test. Give it a try, the results were surprising. So surprising in fact (it pegged me as a Conservative Democrat) that now I’ve given up on science as well. I found this Democratic Loyalty Test much more informative, with questions and choices like:

Q: Which bumper sticker would you be most likely to put on your car?
At Least In Vietnam, Bush Had An Exit Strategy
May the Fetus You Save Be Gay
Ted Kennedy’s Car Has Killed More People Than My Gun
Nice Hummer. Sorry About Your Penis.

And….

Q: Which of the following do you find most offensive?
A vice president who enjoys telling Senators to “go f— yourself” and shooting people in the face
A Senator who enjoys lecturing about family values when he’s not busy tapping his toes in the men’s room and soliciting gay sex
An anti-war protester who says that Bush is “ten times the terrorist” that Osama bin Laden ever was
A Hollywood celebrity who says that anyone who uses more than one square of toilet paper is contributing to global warming
A FOX News host who sanctions an Al Qaeda terrorist strike on San Francisco and laments that Hurricane Katrina didn’t wipe out the UN

Give it a go, they have a Republican Loyalty Quiz too.

Me? I think I’m going back to my apolitical roots and forming a punk band.