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The Swede Smell of Success – Rebecca & Fiona’s “I Love You Man”

admin — Sun, 05 Feb 2012 04:59:36 +0000

I occasionally find myself a sudden musical outcast amongst my friends. A lot of music lovers I know are frankly arrogant snobs, or so niche-obsessed as to be musically misanthropic, so when I go on a bender with something like Robyn, Die Antwoord, or Lady Sovereign, they just avoid me for a few days, or ask me how my Rebecca Black fan club is doing. Or walk around with their fingers in their ears saying “la la la la” thinking I’ll shut it off or something. Well, it looks like I’ll have some time to myself for a day or two as I keep Rebecca & Fiona on regular rotation. I first heard of them because of this fan video (also below) which is kind of an editing gem on its own. I then went down the YouTube Rabbit Hole for a while, and realized I had to have more, so I picked up I Love You, Man, their latest release. If you liked the Europoppier bands on Pitchfork’s 2007 best of list, and if you like the girly, talk-singy vocal stylings of Norway’s Ephemera, Rebecca & Fiona may find a place on your list. Their slightly derivative sound is part of their appeal to me; it’s sort of like a weird amalgam of 80′s girl bands like Bananarama, the aforementioned more recent Europop, and some particularly smooth looped and ducking-tweaked dance music. Which all makes sense; the Swedish duo found fame mostly via a Swedish reality TV show which followed them as they pursued their budding music/DJ career as hardworking teens. Keep your eyes on these two, they’ve been winning international mixing contests as DJ’s, and getting lots of remix attention as artists themselves.

The “fan video” that introduced me to Rebecca & Fiona

If nothing else, they seem to enjoy their job as much as their fans:

Enter the Void

admin — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 05:39:20 +0000

If you’ve never died, done hallucinogenic drugs, had an out of body experience, or been in a serious car crash, you may have trouble connecting with the film Enter the Void. I’ve done pretty much all of those things, so in spite of rather mixed reviews, this is probably one of my favorite films in years. I don’t know how I didn’t hear about this film when it came out in 2010, but…ah, scratch that. Clocking in at 2 hours and 41 minutes, and being comprised mainly of visually stunning, meandering shots of Tokyo sex clubs, street scenes, car crashes, swirling colors, and neon landscapes that connect a bunch of vignettes that border on pornographic or feature death, drug abuse, sex, and birth, the film didn’t enjoy a very wide release or much promotion in the states. Which is a shame, because I think – with one trivial criticism – it borders on being a cinematic masterpiece, eschewing tired, 120-page-script-driven storytelling to embrace the amazing tools that film puts at one’s fingertips. I would be willing to bet that this is a film that David Lynch would have wished he could have made, which for many, of course, would be a solid argument AGAINST the idea that it might be a masterpiece. In any case, while reading negative reviews one thing you’ll consistently notice is that the reviewer will say incredibly thick-headed, entertainment-biased things about plot development, acting skills, or their frustration with the length or having to view the back of the central character’s head more than they’d like. As a film lover since childhood, reviews like this simply affirm to me that this is indeed a great film; if you’re not pissing someone off, you’re probably doing it wrong. And director Gaspar Noé does it right in this film, managing to tell a textured, multi-layered story that is only simplistic – or “puerile” as one critic put it – if you’re too stupid or impatient or lazy to grasp what is being explored. The “plot” is launched by the main character Oscar’s introduction to the The Tibetan Book of the Dead as he starts a drug trip, and then is presumably killed. The ensuing two hours are a journey through life, death, base human experience, beauty, love, loss, and more, brilliantly told with little dialogue. Most of the film is a seamlessly connected series of mostly overhead shots as you journey from interior to interior, to the night streets of Tokyo, to strange “other worlds” of light and sound, and to flashback scenes from childhood. Thanks to remarkable implementation of boom shots, helicopter shots, handheld, CGI, lighting effects, and even tilt-shift-like focus effects, it’s impossible to tell – and therefore not disruptive to the flow – when one or another is being utilized. The stunning visuals are lent much of their effectiveness and seamlessness by some of the most brilliant sound design I’ve ever experienced. Arguably one of the most overlooked apects of creating film as art, Enter the Void’s “soundtrack” is on par with films like 2001 in terms of sound as an integrated part of stoytelling, which is probably not a coincidence – apparently Gaspar Noé saw 2001 at the age of seven, inspiring him at that point to become a filmmaker. If you’re interested in the technical aspects of how the film was made, there’s a detailed summary on Wikipedia. But I honestly wouldn’t recommend reading much about the plot, the technique, or the critical reception – I’ve said far too much here. The film just left enough of an impression on me that I had to spread the word. I personally saw the film after seeing nothing more than the image below. I somehow knew instantly that the film had something I needed to experience, and I was not disappointed. If you decide to check it out, just make sure you actually have the time and space to enjoy the film – it’s not for the impatient, and is as long and ponderous as it is brilliant.

For the record, the trailer doesn’t BEGIN to do the film justice, probably for commercial reasons, it focuses on dialogue and erotica. And although there’s a lot of unerotic “erotica” in the film, it’s hardly the core of the story.

SOPA DE MIERDA – An Open Letter To The Entertainment Industry

admin — Sat, 21 Jan 2012 16:12:47 +0000

I’m sorry movie and music industries, that you’re so goddamn stupid that since you can’t figure out how to make money with one of the greatest technological achievements in human history, you want to destroy it. No really. I feel bad that the mostly white, fatass males that run a multi-billion dollar industry that pays most of the hardworking working people struggling to get into it a pittance in comparison to their own incomes can no longer lounge in ease by the pool with a bevy of hookers. I’m also sorry that after buying Led Zeppelin IV on vinyl, cassette, and compact disc, that I copied it a few times for friends and personal use, and I’m sorry that after buying the “theatrical release” and multiple “director’s cuts” of Blade Runner on VHS and DVD, a friend gave me a copy of the Blu Ray version. Hang me. I’m sorry that when confronted with the terrible loss of revenue you’ve created with your own fucktardedness, the only solution you see is to grease the already slippery palms of Washington and lose even MORE money on doomed strategies. Because you know what? This little soup you’ve been cooking, this “SOPA DE MIERDA” as I like to call it, is probably going to be the last dish of crap you try to serve us. You see, there’s this OTHER recipe for entertainment we can ingest, and it’s been simmering nicely for a while now. It’s called INDEPENDENTLY PRODUCED MEDIA. We have the same tools you have now, and aren’t as greedy as you are. We can make more money than you ever paid us DOING IT OURSELVES. I mean, aside from all the great indy bands and films that have sprung up triumphantly in the wreckage of your business model, there’s USER GENERATED CONTENT. Let’s face it. Who wouldn’t rather watch funny cat videos for a hundred twenty seconds than watch crappy retreads like Cars 2, The Hangover 2, and a Conan the Barbarian remake for a hundred twenty MINUTES? Watching most of the movies your hallowed industry churns out these days is like a weirdly recursive cinematic bulimia, where one is forced to eat and re-eat the same meal over and over. I’m sorry, movie and music industries, when you’ve completed your grandiose acts of self-destruction, I won’t miss you.

Is It Wrong To Pee On Dead People?

admin — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 04:37:25 +0000

Let’s face it. LOTS of things may have
contributed to this despicable act.

I’m so (ahem) relieved that world leaders have finally taken a stance on that whole peeing on corpses thing. Afghan leader Hamid Karzai’s heart seems to be in the right place; I think most of us would agree with his assessment that peeing on dead people is wrong. And I guess it was pretty big of the Taliban to not take offense over the whole affair, but I imagine that whatever public statements were reported by the press omitted the part at the end where the spokesman muttered “Hell. We do it to YOUR guys ALL THE TIME”. Call me old fashioned, but to me the weirdest part about the global dialogue about the appropriateness of urinating on the dead was the way it was framed in the first place. I mean sure, pissing on someone – whether they’re alive OR dead – is just plain rude. But isn’t it even RUDER to KILL them? So there’s that. But having accepted that you’re going to put a bunch of men in killing suits, and then having trained them for several years to get into a calculated frenzy to kill OTHER guys in killing suits, what do you expect? Imagine you’re one of these soldiers. You’ve just spent months in the desert with a small band of comrades who are the only thing between you and certain death at the hands of ANOTHER small band of comrades – whose biggest ideological difference with you is really just that they want to kill you – and you finally achieve the goal. Which is of course not getting killed, and often involves killing the other guy in terrifying night time conflicts where half the time you’re more worried about not getting your family jewels blown off by an IED, or not killing your pals in the dark by accident than anything else. Face it. A person is pretty pent up and stressed out at this point, and has been driven beyond any sense of rational human behavior. What are they supposed to do? Re-enact some cheesy scene from an old war movie, and hold the guy dying in his arms while he says something quotable for his Wikipedia page? The absurdity of this whole debate about peeing on dead soldiers led to a heated argument with a friend of mine. We were talking about warrior conventions, and he said something about how Klingons – the quintessential expression of the warrior spirit in Star Trek films – would probably find few things more dishonorable than urinating on their dead comrades. I pointed out that there were numerous incidents in the Star Trek sagas that specifically highlighted the Klingon’s lack of concern for what was done with their lifeless bodies. But then my friend asked “In any of these instances, was someone trying to PEE ON THEM?” I had to concede on that one. If you know a Trekkie who can answer that question with any authority, drop us a line. But in the meantime, I have an idea that will help avoid the sticky question of whether or not it’s appropriate to pee on someone after you kill them. How about we don’t kill each other in the first place. And heck, for good measure, let’s also just generally agree to not pee on each other either. Unless of course it’s someone like Kim Jong Il, who – now that his body will be lying in state for ETERNITY – stands a pretty good statistical chance of getting peed on. Which reminds me for some reason of the video below

But first, a word from Double Doodie Toilet Bags

“…back and forth…forever…”

Seven BEGINNING Of The World Ideas For 2012

admin — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 02:17:37 +0000

Okay, we’ve all had our fun pondering the end of life as we know it this year. I even took a humorous stab at it just the other day. I guess we needed to get it out of our systems again. I mean, it’s been over ten long years since the last time we got all nutty about the impending apocalypse. Personally, I’m of the opinion that this yearning for a dramatic end of the world scenario is driven largely by the collective unconscious guilt of the human race. On the one hand, the guilt that wealthy elites unconsciously feel, knowing that the tablet device their ten year old is watching Disney movies on as they fly to a tropical retreat was made by the cracked and bleeding fingers of ANOTHER ten year old, half a world away. A ten year old that gets paid a dollar a day so that the company that made the tablet can “retain the talent” of the overpaid CEO that was largely responsible for taking that dollar-a-day kid’s crappy job away from some former middle class American because they got paid 20 times more for it. And on the OTHER hand, the collective guilt fueled by the laziness and apathy of that same former middle-class American, who didn’t vote, didn’t pay attention while their country got gutted by robber barons, and instead sat around ordering out for pizza and watching “reality TV” and cable news while their home got repossessed and the cost of education skyrocketed so high that their kids will be doomed to the same second-rate first-world life that they are. Do I sound cynical? I’m not. In fact, I figure if we DO finally have to face the end of the world this year, that just means we have opportunities to create a new one. And the ball is already in motion. From the recent massive protests in Russia, to the Occupy, Tea Party, and “think local” movements in America, to the “Arab Spring”, regular people all over the world are demanding a better world. I think we can make one. How about you? Below is my starter wish list. Feel free to chime in or tell me what an idiotic Utopian I am.

Take Back Our Government

Get lobby money and corporate influence out of the political process.

Repeal corporate personhood. Or start executing corporations for their crimes.

End “agency capture” and the revolving door practices of DC. Stop appointing former executives to regulate the industries that used to employ them.

Don’t just vote in “big” elections, get involved in the full process.

Put People To Work

Transform welfare handout programs into infrastructure-building work programs

Stop shipping jobs overseas to maximize profits. Cut CEO salaries instead.

Revamp The Prison System

America’s prison system is a racially-biased*, multibillion dollar industry that is probably better at training new criminals than anything else. If America wants to continue being the largest consumer of recreational drugs on the planet, maybe those drugs should be legalized and taxed.

Over 2 million Americans are in jail right now, and over 7 million are under correctional supervision. Over 50% are incarcerated for non-violent offenses, and 20% are incarcerated for drug offenses.

America in fact leads the world in incarceration, with Rwanda and Russia trailing in second and third. For comparison, the next western democracy on the list is the United Kingdom, with 1/5 America’s incarceration rate, sitting at 89th on the list worldwide. America has twice the incarceration rate of countries we might think of as oppressive, like Belarus, Ukraine, Iran, and Kazakhstan.

Put some white men in prison. The collateral economic damage caused by a dozen or so of the mostly white, mostly male criminals in the financial services sector easily dwarfs the economic repercussions of crimes committed by a million of the existing inmates in the correctional system, who probably cost us more as prisoners than as active criminals.

Feed Some People

Americans waste about 34 million tons tons of food each year. This is about 14-15 per cent of the food they purchase, amounting to $43 billion worth of discarded, but edible, food. We spend 1 billion dollars a year just to DISPOSE of this waste. Why are people dying of starvation in 2012?

Mind Your Own Business (Unless You’re Helping)

Abroad -

The heroic image of America saving the world in the 1940′s is 70 years old, and coming off a bit contrived these days.

Maybe we could rebuild America’s positive image abroad by only getting involved when asked.

Last time I checked, no-one was asking to be bombed, but plenty of people still wanted an iPad and a Hollywood film.

At Home-

Restore the civil liberties that have been stripped from citizens in the guise of protecting them.

Put an end to the “security theater” that has nearly destroyed the travel industry and makes travel a miserable personal experience.

Let the Patriot Act “sunset” as originally promised, and get AT&T out of our personal communications.

Stop Torturing People

Remember when we WEREN’T the bad guys?

Shoot For The Stars

One of the greatest eras in the history of mankind was largely driven by space exploration.

Magellan, Marco Polo, Columbus, and other brave explorers in history were in it for more than the money.

There’s a strange logical fallacy going on when it’s considered sensible to spend a trillion dollars on killing people, but frivolous to send explorers to learn more about the solar system we live in.

*About 7% of the general population is African American, but African Americans comprise almost half of the total prison population

Chicken Shawarmageddon & 13 Other Ways The World Might End In 2012

admin — Sun, 01 Jan 2012 02:05:52 +0000

Shawarmageddon Is Near

One strange side effect of growing up in the era of the DVD and Roland Emmerich films is that your typical end-of-the-world scenarios probably just aren’t gonna cut it. Catastrophic floods? Been there. Alien Invasion? Done that. Earthquakes, floods, and other terrestrial tragedies caused by solar activity? Yup. And Roland Emmerich certainly has no corner on end times scenarios either. In fact, according to Wikipedia, the world has already ended 184 times . There was, of course, a glut of predictions surrounding the year 2000, but except for the “Y2K Bug” – which showed a little creativity – most of those were pretty run-of-the mill asteroid collisions and resurrections of the messiah kind of stuff. So what of interest to us in 2012 could the Mayans possibly have come up with? Nada, that’s what. How could they have possibly envisioned things like the Chicken Shawarmageddon or the The Botoxalypse? I mean, they didn’t even have electricity, never mind Middle Eastern food or the rap music culture necessary to pave the way for the Tupacalypse. No, the whole idea behind the end of the world is that you won’t really be prepared, and the human race probably IS prepared for things like “a whole bunch of water” or frogs falling from the sky. That’s why we’ve assembled a list of twelve alternate endings for 2012. Endjoy.

Carmageddon

This begins on the 405 just outside of LA, cascading in a domino effect that engulfs the globe. This event does not actually bring the end of the world though; a few soccer moms in Volvos survive to rebuild civilization.

Smarmageddon

In this scenario, all cable and satellite channels worldwide begin to broadcast “Fox & Friends” twenty four hours a day, until everyone is driven to a murderous frenzy, decimating most of the global population. This ends up only taking about thirty six hours. Gretchen, Steve, and Brian then lord over 1,000 years of relentless morning smarm, ALL DAY, EVERY DAY.

Chicken Shawarmageddon

This is one of the few end of the world scenarios that is available to go, and usually as a sandwich under five bucks. The word “Shawarma” is derived from a Turkish word that means “to turn”, which is what the world will stop doing in 2012.

Velocirapture

No one is really sure how this one is going to play out. Did the velociraptor go extinct millions of years ago for our sins, only to return and save us from our own self-destruction? Was Jesus really a raptor, who – as it is said in Cretaceous 3:27 – will “save you from Satanasaurus Rex”? Probably only Philosoraptor knows for sure.

Portions of this article are brought to you by Rapture Totale

The original line of skin care products by Christian Dior brought new life to your skin. The 2012 line WILL TAKE IT AWAY. And all the life inside it, too. This scenario may be accelerated by the Botoxalypse (see below).

The Botoxalypse

The bacterium used for Botox mutates, creating an airborne, highly contagious strain that not only removes the ridges from your forehead, but also the ridges from your brain tissue. The world is over-run by masses of bleach blonde, Chanel bag-toting, chardonnay-swilling zombies with expressionless faces.

Ape-pocalypse

If a chimp playing first-person shooters isn’t a sign of the End of Days, I don’t know what is. Next thing you know, they’ll be demanding “Ape Personhood” or something, hahahaha. Oh. Never mind. In any case, I for one welcome our new ape overlords. But I kinda like bananas, so that’s not surprising.

Aporkalypse

Sometimes pigtures speak louder than words.

Arachnapocalypse

Spiders. LOTS AND LOTS of creepy crawly SPIDERS. ‘nough said.

The Jockalypse

Doesn’t it seem like every day, another of your friends starts running or working out fanatically at the gym, maybe switching to a bizarre diet of curdled beans and seaweed? This herd running behavior is merely the beginning. By year’s end, the ENTIRE GLOBAL POPULATION will be running. Nowhere. In teeming hordes. They’re coming your way, as you can see below.

They just had a little bottleneck at the bridge in New York:

Tupacalypse

C’mon. You should’ve known SOMETHING was up with titles like 2Pacalypse Now, Me Against The World, Until The End Of Time, and The Don Killuminati: The 7 Day Theory. And he flat out SAID he’d be back to clean things up in Words Of Wisdom.

Econopocalypse

Zombie Banks, Toxic Investments, the Greater Fool losing the Keynesian Beauty Contest , and a Great Vampire Squid Wrapped Around The Face Of Humanity all sound like elements of a George Romero or Wes Craven film, but really, it’s just business as usual in the financial services industry.

Occupocalypse

This scenario will be intense. Or, more accurately, in tents. And probably will be caused by that careless smoker on the right.

Fapture

This only afflicts kittens, and is already occurring, mostly on Reddit/GoneWild .

BUT WAIT!

This isn’t the END of the end of the world, we just didn’t have time or space to cover ALL the possibilities.

Help us out with descriptions or pictures for any of these BONUS catastrophes.

Farmageddon

Charmageddon

Kharmageddon

Crapture

Napture

(Bitch)Slapture

Crockalypse

Dockalypse

Flockalypse

Frockalypse

Glockalypse

Hockalypse

Lockalypse

Mockalypse

Knockalypse

Rockalypse

Sockalypse

Tockalypse

Wocalypse

Best Politician Of 2011

admin — Mon, 26 Dec 2011 15:39:07 +0000

One thing you may want to avoid if you ever go into politics is getting on our annual Best Politician list. Of last year’s contenders, two are dead, one was ousted by crazed bankers from his Caligula-like Videocracy, two are facing civil unrest on a scale not seen in Russia since the early 80′s, and one was terribly disfigured during his transformation into a Sith Lord. Between the horde of GOP candidates struggling for identity and the general upheaval around the globe, this wasn’t easy. In the end, part of the decisions were based on the idea that our list may actually have some magical power, and that perhaps including them would aid the nominee’s exit from office. In some cases we dropped nominees because of strong contenders self-destructing, like Herman Cain. We omitted a lot of small players domestically too, like the Democratic mayors around the country that used militaristic police state strategies to oust harmless Occupy camps, and only included Mayor Bloomberg because he’s such a great example of the Dickensian overlords that dominate politics in America today. Plus it was a great opportunity to link to the video in which Keith Olbermann rips him a new one. We may do a followup if the GOP resorts to cage-fighting to pick a winner, but in the meantime, please help us pick our Best Politician of 2011.

Newt Gingrich actually seems to ENJOY eating his words	It’s interesting that the man who led the witch hunt against Bill Clinton over infidelity while cheating on his OWN wife has recently vowed to defend marriage. As long as it wasn’t some HOMO getting married, anyway. Third time’s a charm, as Jezebel.com points out. Let’s not forget that Newtie also shredded the social contract while selling his “Contract with America”, refers to Palestinians as an invented people (video), and thinks all low-income black people are lazy good-for-nothings, and if they’d only get jobs as janitors, they wouldn’t become pimps. He also looks like mashed potatoes poured into a suit. I mean really, he’s like the WASP version of Pugsley Addams, with his chubby, smirking “I would NEVER eat all the cookies” face. It’s a testament to his political acumen that he’s considered a serious contender for the White House.
Joe’s ascent to Sith Lord and Emperor left him tragically disfigured.	You may have noticed old Joe was a little quiet this past year. That’s because of the horrible disfigurement resulting from his transformation into Sith Lord and Emperor. Don’t be surprised if old Palpatine Lieberman makes a surprise appearance during the 2012 elections though; like Yoda said, “The dark side clouds everything. Impossible to see the future is.” Joe may secretly be working on his party-hopping Deathstar, for all we know.
Scott Walker, Chris Christie, Dick Snyder, Jane Cunningham	While none of these characters are even CLOSE to being contenders on their own, their collective onslaught on access to public education, intent to dismantle child labor laws, and desire to create state-level fascist mini-fiefdoms so they can auction off the public trust to the Koch brothers at least puts them in the minor leagues of the self-serving moral decrepitude that makes for a truly great politician. It’s been said that Dick Snyder is no Scott Walker, but you’ll be in for a surprise when he outsources his emergency manager positions in Michigan to overseas tech support companies. Keep an eye on this bunch, and keep an eye on your LUNCH, in Chris Christie’s case.
Zardari signing rental agreement for Pakistan’s airspace	Asif Ali Zardari who? This cat is tragically under-acknowledged for his skills as a politician. A lot of legislators SHOULD be in prison for corruption for the things they do to stay in office, but Zardari actually WAS in prison while serving as a member of parliament in the 1990′s. And on top of being indicted for killing his wife’s brother, his wife’s later death was largely responsible for making his presidency possible. That, and his willingness to be even more of a sellout then Musharref when it came to renting the skies of Pakistan to US drones. If he would just dress a little funnier, he’d be a great replacement for Kim Jong or Qaddafi as “nuttiest murderous dictator”.
Ahmadinejad has a dazzling array of Secret Devil Signs to keep his enemies at bay with witchcraft.	We would have included Ahmadinejad last year, but we kept forgetting how to spell and pronounce his name. This guy is not only a consummate politician – I mean he’s president, and not only do his ENEMIES hate him, but his ASSOCIATES hate him – but on top of that he’s also a WITCH. I don’t think we’ve had a prominent global leader who is both delusional and ruthlessly oppressive AND a master of the dark arts since Idi Amin. It has also been observed that his campaign slogan – “It’s possible and we can do it” – was very similar to ANOTHER of our “Best Politician” contenders (see graphic at end of article).
The Lord of Bloombergville	Michael Bloomberg? Nah, he’s just a dick. Besides, Keith Olbermann already said it all.
Assad gets regular “how not to be president” lessons from Medvedev	When confronted by Barbera Walters with the fact that a UN report stated that 4,000 people had been killed and that the country was embroiled in civil war, Assad dismissed the assessment with the question, “Who said that the United Nations is a credible institution?” Snappy answers like that – and the fact that the only leader in the world who has less experience and as much power is Kim Jong’s son – make Assad a man to watch. And he gets bonus points for the fact that Google suggests “Antichrist” when you search his name.
We’ll leave it up to you to decide if there’s any similarity in these campaign themes, as some have suggested. Larger image here.

The Horrors of Cheese

admin — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 06:52:23 +0000

As much as I love cheese, I’ve always figured the first person that ate it must have been in the same frame of mind as the first guy that ate lobster. You know, the old joke about how hungry he must have been to be walking down a beach, see a lobster, and think to himself “Mmmm! That looks yummy!” There’s something similar going on with the cheese story. Sure, we all derived our first nourishment and comfort from the milk of our mothers’ bosoms, but let’s face it. Once you’ve moved on from all that, it’s kind of a weird stretch to look at a cow’s dangling doohickeys and decide to give it a go. And the weirder part is that having done so, someone then had to leave the results of their efforts laying around long enough to curdle, look at it and smell it, and say to themselves “Mmmmm. This will be DELISH”. A rather disturbing series of choices, if you ask me. I mean, while it’s not THAT hard to rationalize the whole milking of mammals thing, even the pastoral tribes of East Africa, who subsist only on the milk and blood of their herds (yup, you read that right, the BLOOD), wouldn’t THINK of eating cheese. And apparently never have; they don’t even have a word for the stuff. Similarly, it’s only in certain parts of Asia that people eat cheese. The distaste for cheese amongst Asian people can in fact be fairly intense; for instance, if you want to make your Japanese guests make a subtle “vurp” face, bring out the cheese platter. I learned this years ago when I lived in San Francisco. I often took the bus up Columbus Avenue with a Japanese friend I worked with. One day, I made the observation that as the bus progressed through Chinatown and more Asian passengers boarded, it smelled more and more like seafood with each passing block. He asked if it bothered me. “No”, I said, “I actually kind of like it”. He replied that he wished he could say the same about the bus leaving Chinatown, clarifying his thought by saying “because you know what it smells like when the bus fills up with white people? CHEESE”. So cheese, it seems, is sort of a defining aspect of western culture. And “culture” is the keyword here; it takes a lot of bacteria and hard work to create the plethora of moldy, discolored, and lumpy biological phenomena around the globe collectively known as “cheese”. We’ve rounded up a few of the more amusing and disturbing examples of the world’s dairy experiments below.

America
Swiss Cheese is really neither.	America’s idea of cheese is a little confusing. The two most popular American cheeses are probably American and Swiss. Which is interesting, because the former isn’t cheese, and the latter isn’t Swiss, and probably isn’t really cheese, either. Also popular for many years was Government Cheese, but its popularity was probably due in large part to its exceptionally low price. Otherwise, American cheeses seem to be mostly tributes to actual cheeses – like mozzarella – or something that you can squirt on a cracker.
United Kingdom You know the old joke about how all Scottish food is based on a dare? Let’s not sell the English short here. Never mind all the stuff they do in the UK with blood and organ meat, the horrors they perpetrate with mere milk will suffice to clarify why it’s often asserted that “British Cuisine” is an oxymoron.
England – Stinking Bishop We didn’t make this up. You can even buy some on Amazon if you like.	If you wake up in the morning to find your Pantysgawn, blame the Stinking Bishop. He probably pulled the old Sussex Slipcote trick on you. Look. I possess the maturity of the average fourth grader, so when I hear the name “Stinking Bishop”, all I can think of is filthy-minded old clerics in long robes and fromunda , an exotic cheese familiar only to grade school American boys. But don’t let that stop you from buying some on Amazon.
Scotland – Caboc The original holiday cheese ball. Except it’s a log.	When dishes like Haggis, Crappit Heid , and black pudding are mainstays of your cuisine, oatmeal-coated cheese logs are a natch. I’ve always thought of those disgusting cheese balls you find on American holiday tables as a Yankee innovation. I was surprised to discover they had such a legacy.
Europe
Germany – Cambozola This Camembert would be great if it just had more mold in it.	Long before Americans discovered more “aromatic” cheeses, Limburger was the go-to cheese for humor. We’ve put that all behind us of course; I just wanted to mention Cambozola, since it is such an excellent example of Germanicizing things. I’m convinced that the motive for taking two perfectly fine but in-congruent cheeses and mashing them together was merely to be able to create the portmanteau “Cambozola”.
France – Morbier That may look like a crack, butt it isn’t. This cheese totally tastes like ash though.	I have a friend who has a tendency to speak with really sibilant “s” sounds that almost sound like “sh”. He’s especially fond of serving the rather pungent and aromatic cheese Morbier and asking guests if they think it smells like ash.
Iceland – Skyr It’s weird that they use fruit in the product shots, considering how it’s made.	Really, Iceland? Skyr is a cheese that defies common sense. And in a really yucky way. The original logic was “I have a bunch of barrels of meat that I don’t want to rot this winter, so I think I’ll just pour cream on top of it“. Later, the same guy got really hungry.Voila! Skyr, one of the more popular dairy products in Iceland was born.
Italy – Casu Marzu This is your cheese. This is your cheese on larvae.	Okay, we take back all the mean stuff we said about the Brits and the Icelanders. I’m not sure there’s anything that can hold a candle to Casu Marzu, the ancient Sardinian cheese. We say “ancient” partly because it’s been made by Sardinians for thousands of years, and partly because, well, it’s REALLY OLD. I mean, old like ROTTEN. It even has BUGS IN IT. Sure, Wikipedia tries to “church it up” by saying it has “insect larvae” in it, but the fact is, they’re MAGGOTS. And not just any maggots, these are CHEESE FLY maggots.
Honorable Mention
Egypt – Roomy Cheese The Italian name of this cheese means “Cheese on horseback”, which makes about as much sense as “roomy cheese”. Greece – Xynomizithra This cheese holds the distinction of being the only cheese in the world that might be confused with a Japanese monster movie monster.

Black Eyed Peas Christmas Miracle

admin — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 21:19:08 +0000

“These are the Black Eyed Peas. And I finally killed them. It’s a Christmas Miracle.”
~ April from NBC’s Parks & Recreation

Occupy Christmas – 15 Gift Ideas For The Young Occupier In Your Life

admin — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 01:30:23 +0000

How can Santa bring you presents,
if you don’t know what you want?

So, you did your best to raise your precious snowflakes to be eager little capitalists. You clothed and fed them for eighteen years, then you sent little Justin and Ashley off to the finest schools your burgeoning debt and education loans could buy. And how do they repay you? They major in political science or philosophy, start THINKING and stuff, and before you know it, they RUN OFF TO JOIN THE OCCUPATION. Well, don’t give up the fight. If you disown your precious snowflake NOW, you’re doing two things to help them win their silly war against the fear and consumption driven world we lovingly crafted for them. First, by cutting them off, you’re just encouraging them to embrace their anti-consumer follies even more, running the risk that they’ll discover that money isn’t everything. Yup. Crazy as it sounds, some people ENJOY a modest lifestyle, and this peasant-like “every day’s a gift” attitude can be contagious. Second, by not spending thousands of dollars on them this Christmas like you always do, the OCCUPATION HAS ALREADY WON. Your “punishment” only punishes CAPITALISM ITSELF. So as crazy as it seems, the best way to prevent your youngster from running off and becoming some kind of vagrant, park-dwelling commie is to HELP THEM DO IT. That’s why we’ve rounded up this list of Holiday Gift Ideas for Occupiers.

Israeli Civilian Gas Mask With NATO Filter	If it’s good enough for Israel and NATO, it’s good enough for the Occupation. Although this won’t protect you from tasing, sonic assault tools, or your basic beatdown with a riot stick, it should provide relief from the stench of the camp itself.
Eureka! Apex 2 Two Person Tent	We recommend a two-person tent. You might save a few bucks on a single, but then you’ll be sleeping alone, just like you were before you left your folks’ basement to join the occupation. Anything larger, and you’ll risk having to share. Yuck.
Sex in a Tent: A Wild Couple’s Guide to Getting Naughty in Nature	Must there be a guide for EVERYTHING? These days, yes. It’s one of the perils of having created the over-educated, entitled middle class that got us into this mess in the first place.
Little Hotties Body Warmer	What could be more fun in the Occupy tent than some Little Hotties? Look, we know there’s more going on in there late at night than Marxist reading groups, but when your radical hippy lovefest abruptly ends in some stupid undergrad poli-sci debate, who’s gonna keep you warm? Little Hotties. That’s who.
Occupy – A Grown-Up Coloring Book Novel	Yup. You’re gonna need something to fill the time at the camp, and when you’re stoned out of your mind in a tent 24/7, what could be more appropriate than an Occupy Coloring Book? Crayons not included.
V For Vendetta Complete Costume	Never mind that when an occupier buys the V for Vendetta mask, they’re supporting the evil corporate empire they oppose. It freakin’ LOOKS COOL. Especially if you cough up a few more bucks for the cape and the hat. Oh. And throwing knives. See below.
12 Piece Black & Silver Ninja Throwing Knife Set	This doesn’t seem like the sort of thing a liberal peacenik would need for their Occupy Wall St activities, but this is in fact a vital component of the “V for Vendetta” outfit above. Plus, it’ll probably help you get arrested, which is the whole idea of occupying, right?
Bear Grylls Survival Series Parang	Okay, this isn’t The Congo, and we’re not shooting the movie Blood Diamond, so maybe this is overkill. They just had it listed in the “people who bought Ninja Knives also bought” recommendations, and having a machete is badass. And sounds so much more acceptable when you call it a “Parang“
Kidde Pro 210 Fire Extinguisher	My grandma always said “don’t be startin’ no fire and then puttin’ it out”. Of course she said this as she nudged the bottom of the bourbon bottle if I stopped pouring too soon, but the fact is that although you WANT to fan the flames of revolution, you don’t want to do it right inside your tent.
Pyle-Pro PMP30 Professional Megaphone/Bullhorn with Siren	If you had one of these IF YOU HAD ONE OF THESE you wouldn’t have YOU WOULDN’T HAVE to speak in short phrases TO SPEAK IN SHORT PHRASES using that human mic thing USING THAT HUMAN MIC THING. Also ALSO it would take half as long IT WOULD TAKE HALF AS LONG to say everything TO SAY EVERYTHING.
UTG Tactical Goggles	We’re not sure these serve any purpose other than making you look cool when you’re standing face to face with a cop in riot gear. I mean, if they want to pepper spray you in the eyes or something, they’ll just tase you or bop you with a riot club first to knock these off.
Police Magnum Pepper Spray Now Available in Mild, Medium, Hot, and new Cool Ranch	The year 2011 will probably be most remembered for pepper spray, thanks to the NYPD, UC Davis, and that crazy lady at Walmart. Join the fun with your OWN pepper spray arsenal. And it’s even “police grade”, whatever THAT means. Now available in Mild, Medium, Hot, and Cool Ranch.
Chaos CTR Adrenaline Balaclava	No popular revolt is complete without Balaclavas. Although generally appropriate attire for fascist police forces violating the privacy of average citizens as they throw America’s search and seizure laws out the window, they look just as stylish at the Occupy camp. Not to be confused with the Greek pastry that Greek austerity has made a rare treat in Greece itself.
Potassium Iodate Anti-Radiation Pills	Sooner or later, the US government is bound to resort to DOMESTIC false flag operations, and do something like planting a dirty bomb at an Occupy camp. Be prepared with some Potassium Iodate Anti-Radiation Pills.
Briefcase Solar Generator	No batteries? NO PROBLEM. Power that Bose sound system and iPod dock that was manufactured with the bleeding fingers of Asian children with this slim briefcase-shaped solar unit. Inspector Gadget trenchcoat not included.
The Virtue of Selfishness	A note to parents: sure, Ayn Rand died penniless and collecting government benefits under another name, but that makes this book no less valuable as one of the most effective propaganda pieces in your capitalist arsenal. Plus, they can burn it to keep warm if they like.
Global Protection Night Light Glow in the Dark Condoms	These are handy when the batteries run out and no-one feels like climbing on the bicycle generator to shed some light on things. And while it comes across as a caring gift, promoting safe sex, admit it. The last thing a capitalist parent wants is for these Occupiers to START BREEDING.