Careful, that Love Gun is loaded, ’cause even
Outkast knows that Every Day Is Valentine’s Day

Happy Valentine’s day everybody. Especially you angry guys that were spreading your anti-romance propaganda all over the comments on our recent piece Last Minute Valentine Gifts For Romance Impaired Misogynists. You probably need some lovin’ more than anybody. Some people feel that Valentine’s Day has become a hollow Hallmark holiday, commercialized into meaninglessness just like Christmas. Which is partly true; I mean, why else would we spend so much time putting together clever but opportunistic Amazon product linkfests like our suggestions for personalized Valentine’s gifts (because you know, nothing says “personalized” like setting up a slave labor manufacturing facility in China and mass producing cheap gifts with customized messages on them). Or Valentines Day & Love Is Like Christmas At The Mall & Jesus . Or Valentine’s Day 2009: Is That Love Gun Loaded? Because nothing says “I Love You” like a $40,000 watch. Or any of our other offbeat Valentine gift ideas . If you really loved us, you’d buy something through those darn product links. Because nothing says “I love you” like a monthly commission check, right? But this crass commercialization of Valentine’s day is only a small part of the fun. If you’ve got your undies in a bunch about the whole thing, you’re doing it wrong. Or wait. I guess that depends on where your undies are in a bunch, and how they got there. The thing is, any holiday can suck, if you try hard enough. You can let external forces make you miserable, pondering things like whether or not edible panties are too intimate a gift for a third date, or whether you got the great table at the right restaurant, or – like those angry men we referenced earlier – sitting around bitching about why SHE isn’t doing all the spending. As we pointed out last year in Love Me, Love My Dog, men outspend women almost two to one. But if you do these things, you’re missing the point, and missing the fun. If you strip Valentine’s Day down to its essential meaning, it’s about expressing LOVE. And there’s nothin’ wrong with love. So do yourself and everybody else a favor. Chill out, and spread a little. If you spent ten bucks on those cheap grade-school Valentine cards for everybody at the office instead of grudgingly buying someone a bunch of roses or a pricey dinner, you’d be surprised at how many more smiles you see today, and how much better you feel. Personally, I think Outkast has it right with the idea that EVERY day is Valentine’s Day, which is why I think I think I’ll give Happy Valentine’s Day a spin right now. Play it yourself with the vid below. Which – looked at one way – is a crappy fan video. Or looked at another way, a fan’s loving tribute to a song about love. So go ahead and spread some love today. It won’t hurt nobody. Oh, and if you’re stuck at a computer and really don’t like Outkast, someone went crazy and put together a playlist of 200 love songs on YouTube. That’s twelve hours of non-stop love!

12 hours of non-stop love songs:

There’s a tense homo-eroticism when Rudov is on Bill O’Reilly’s show, and we think we know why:

Today I was searching for Valentine gift ideas on the web. Not that I have anyone to give them to this year or anything, I do this for YOU, because obviously, if you’re reading this, you’re someone who’s so unimaginative that you search the web for Valentine gifts. You NEED me. Which is why we have so many gift ideas for Valentine’s Day on the site. Anyway, you know how there are always those little suggestions at the bottom of the search results? Of course you do. I forgot. You’re the kind of person who searches the web for gift ideas. So two really caught my eye this year. One was “Valentine gift ideas for teacher”. At first I was all like “Oh. My. God. This whole thing with the sexy teacher love is really getting out of hand!”, imagining some 17 year old guy shopping for red teddies for his history teacher. Then it dawned on me that I’m a really sick person, and that it was actually pretty normal in grade school to give the teacher a Valentine, and that the current generation of soccer moms probably did this a lot as part of greasing the grade machine for their exhausted mommy-track children. The other search suggestion was intriguing though. It was “Personalized Valentine Gift”. Because you know, nothing says “personalized” like setting up a slave labor manufacturing facility in China and mass-producing cheap gifts with customized messages on them. So that’s what we’re bringing you today. Some money and labor saving tips for finding the perfect personalized Valentine gift. As opposed to those not personalized Valentine gifts that we’re always giving the only person we’ll ever love. Below are some strategies and gift ideas to get you going this Valentine’s Day.

Save Money By Cleverly Combining Events	Every time you meet someone, ask them straight up what their birthday is. If it isn’t close to Christmas or Valentine’s day, ditch them and keep looking. I have a friend whose ex-husband proposed on Valentine’s day. Not because he was romantic, but because he was a cheap bastard. He also tried to get married on Valentine’s Day or Christmas, but she didn’t fall for it. He didn’t give up though. They got married within a week of her birthday, and it took them several years to have a child, because he would only have sex with her in March and October so the kid would either be born close to Christmas or, again, her birthday. He estimated he saved several hundred dollars a year by combining gift-related events this way. So if you want to be sure that someday you have a happy ex-wife with a friend who mentions you in Valentine humor articles, this is the way to go. And if you don’t plan to get married, just make sure every woman you date has the same name. Then you can buy personalized gifts in bulk, and save even MORE money.
Use your imagination. And some scissors and glue.	I know this one is going to be hard for you, because if you HAD any imagination, you’d be leaving a trail of rose petals leading to the candlight and champagne next to the bed with the diamond ring in it in the hotel room in the carribean you booked just for this purpose. But you don’t, and you’re cheap to boot, so here’s an idea: MAKE A CARD WITH YOUR OWN HANDS. And if you’re honestly too lame to go buy some colored paper and a glue stick to do it yourself, try the Make Your Own Cards by Made By Hands craft kit. Not recommended for ages three or under. Still have brain freeze, and can’t come up with a theme? Try some cheesy book like 18 Romantic Ideas For Her Most Memorable Valentine’s Day. The Kindle edition is only $9.97. Scratch that. If you’re going to buy a book to make sure she has her “most memorable Valentine’s Day” ever, she probably won’t. Get the 101 Romantic Ideas eBook instead. It has 101 ideas for just 99 cents! That’s less than a penny an idea versus almost FIFTY SIX CENTS. And if even THAT is too expensive, here’s a link to a google search for valentine craft ideas.
Valentine’s Day Personalized Missing Piece Puzzle	On one hand, giving someone a gift like this may finally offer the answer to at least ONE puzzle, which is why they love you at all. This may just cinch the deal if they’re expecting diamonds, chocolates, or lingerie, especially if the only reward for all their hard work is a stupid statement like the one made in the example. On the other hand, this could be a lot of fun if the personalized message offered directions to pick up the plane tickets that led to the island getaway, that led to the trail-of-rose-petals cliche that we mentioned above.
BoldLoft “Say I Love You” Pillowcases	This one isn’t personalized, but the beauty of a gift like this one and the one below is that when they inevitably dump you, at least you can legitimately keep half of the gift! In the case of these pillows, make sure you swap them often enough that you’ve drooled on both and they won’t want either.
Engravable Split Heart Keychain	If you live long enough, you’ll eventually find that you can’t look at gifts like the Engravable Split Heart Keychain without seeing the dark future that they actually foreshadow. If you’re still naive and dopey enough though, they’re quite sweet. And on top of having the same benefit as the pillow gift above, if you follow our advice about always dating women with the same name, they’re recyclable!
Pretty in Pink Engravable Flask	Given what I said above, I thought I’d look for his and hers matching crack pipes, but this is the best I could come up with. I’m afraid alcohol will have to suffice in your quest to remain oblivious to your plight.

For many of us, Valentine’s Day is a time for candlelight dinners, champagne, and romantic gifts to express our undying passion for our loved ones. But for some of us, Valentine’s Day is a time of composing and re-composing bizarre love letters to people who had no idea we were stalking them, or obsessing about the one who left us over a year ago,  by pounding a 12 pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon while playing video games with our dorky friends who are still virgins at twenty-six. We’ve previously shared lots of off the wall Valentine’s Day gift ideas, but this year, we thought we’d take a look at the still suffering love-a-holic, and offer suggestions for how to win back that ex-girlfriend who was probably your last hope for any kind of healthy connection with humanity and a normal social life. First up, if you want to keep it classy and send roses, don’t send red or white ones. The traditional color for “unrequited love” is pink. I think I finally figured out the reason for this tradition. First of all, although roses are a beautiful flower, pink ones are somehow just, I don’t know, PINK. Their beauty pales in comparison to a bold red or crisp white. Pink was probably established for this purpose for two reasons. First, they prove that a guy really means it. Unless you’re a classic romantic, buying pink flowers are a sure sign that you’re GAY. And second, the second rate beauty of a pink roses makes it MUCH easier for a woman to chuck over a hundred dollars’ worth of flowers in the wastebin, which is almost certainly where the majority of pink roses end up. So you’ll probably want to skip the whole “unrequited love” thing. It’s pricey, and probably ineffective. Below are a few gift ideas to really help you win back that lost love. Strangely, most of them are gifts for you, because probably the only way you’ll win her back is by being the man you aren’t.

Five Valentine Gift Ideas For Loser Boyfriends To Win Back Their Ex

Your Only Hope (and only $97,000!)	Put up or shut up. You know all those conversations you had where she said “money doesn’t matter” and “it doesn’t have to be a HUGE ring”? Don’t be stupid. It does. And she meant “it does have to be SEMI huge though”. Also, get a job. She would love it if your band actually made enough money to buy beachfront property in LA, but she’s really tired of hanging out in smelly dive bars in Wisconsin listening to the same 10 songs. We chose the $150, 000 thirteen carat version because anything less probably won’t work in your case.
Change Your Underwear	Or at least wash them once in awhile. It’s amazing how something that so few people see can have such an impact on life. But she had to see them. Laying around in all their dingy, skidmarked glory. If you can’t get the hang of how that “washing machine” thing works, just consider them a disposable commodity. The classic old man tighty-whiteys pictured here are only about a dollar a piece, which is cheaper than having a beer.
Quit Drinking	In college she thought it was cute that you could smash a Budweiser can on your forehead and still assemble reasonably coherent sentences afterwards, but she didn’t think you’d still be doing it at thirty. And lines like “it’s always cocktail hour somewhere” stopped being funny the first time you threw up on the cop’s shoes when the two of you got pulled over.
Quit Playing Games	When we say “quit playing games”, it probably sounds like advice on how to communicate, but we literally mean quit playing games. And while you’re at it, sell the comic book collection. And shave those godawful sideburns. She was lying when she said she thought it was cute that you were trying to look like Wolverine from X-Men. Besides. There’s something just plain WRONG about choosing a PlayStation over sex with a woman.
Accept Your Fate	Give up. She was probably a skank anyway. What do all your friends (who universally agree that you’re a total freakin’ loser whose lost one of your only hopes for salvation) know about it, right? Amazon doesn’t sell the authentic Real Doll (that’s a Wikipedia link), besides, after all the money you spend on beer and video games, you can’t afford one. Which is why we’re recommending the California Exotics Sophia’s Inked Love Doll. We’re not sure how you tattoo a love doll, but we’re sure that will add the touch of realism you need. The product description also points out that “she” has “Orbital Jointed Arms”, holds 300 pounds, and comes with a repair kit, just in case.

	Because nothing says “I’m a freakin’ dweeb who will never understand women” like rose-shaped USB hubs. On the bright side, after she dumps you, you’ll have that spare USB hub you’ve been needing.
	A back hair shaver sends a very special message of love, and the message is “hey ape man, your back really grosses me out, why don’t you do something about it” and somehow sort of implies “When you’re done, take out the trash, will ya?”
	For many men, the person they love most isn’t a person at all, but a car. If this is you, let it and everyone else you know just how much you love it. And what a dork you are. With a Valentine Vehicle Costume from Mystic Industries.
	Cupid Kit With Bow, Arrow, And Wings kind of wreaks havoc with the whole Cupid motif, suggesting that you either wanna get it on with an infantile angel, or kill them. Or on the other hand, is the perfect reward for the partner who’s earned their (don’t click the following link) red wings. No really. We told you not to click it.
	Why not buy her the Shelf Bra With Satin Ribbon Halter Straps And G-String? Because you know, sometimes, you don’t want to just say “I love you”, you want to say “I would love you. If you were a trashy stripper”.
	The Two Heart Headphone Splitter is perfect for when you want to say “I love you, but not enough to listen to your crappy music or buy you your own damn iPhone, so let’s share mine”
	There IS a woman out there who would love the Bad to the Bone Singing Chopper Dog for Valenitine’s Day. And at this very moment, she’s smoking a Basic Menthol 100, sipping a PBR, and taking off that stripper outfit above after a long hard day at work.
	If your lover loves chocolate, and loves roses, these Chocolate Long Stem Roseswill probably forever turn them off to both, and to you too. The concept here is interesting, but the execution just looks nasty.
	If you have the hots for the road manager of a struggling indy band, he’ll either love you for giving him these Abernook Duct Tape Roses, or hate you for wasting perfectly good duct tape.
	Yeah, that’ll win her heart. A golf ball. Right. A GODDAMN GOLFBALL.
	At first we thought the ‘Til Death Do We Part…and We Part Tonight phrase was the perfect breakup card for the sociopath who’s getting ready to kill their lover that never loved them in the first place. Then we realized it was just a dumb party game. Don’t let that stop any of you sociopaths from stealing the image and printing your own card in silent rage.
	This is perfect if you’re so full of yourself that you think your partner is going to be overjoyed at just having you, and not an actual gift of lasting value. Alternately, it could come in handy for the sociopath mentioned above. We’re still trying to figure out why it’s called the Orgasm Service Station Surprise I Am The Presentthough.
	The Hallmark talking El Toro of Love says “Hello my name is El Toro of Love and my love for you burns with the heat of a million jalapeños peppers”, which should set off some warning signs. Trip to STD clinic not included.

Some Mood Music While You Shop

Given the potential stress and expense of Valentine’s Day and today’s science-based eHarmony approach to love, perhaps you won’t find it surprising that rather than lavish chocolates and roses on a lover, millions of people choose instead to show their love for themselves or their dog. And it seems that otherwise, two of the biggest beneficiaries of V-Day love are condom makers and flower shops. According to this article, sales of both spike in February, with roses enjoying a really special boost. Buy on the 15th, and the price drops from $109 to $59. But of the $17 billion dollars spent this Valentine’s day, $10.7 billion will be spent on greeting cards. Breaking this down by gender sort of explains the social networking pattern of men following women on line; of all these billions being spent, men will outspend women almost two to one: $163.37 to $84.72. With the average person spending $119.67. I bet you’re wondering when your partner is gonna even out the averages, right? So anyway, given this focus on self and commerce for Valentine’s day, we’re continuing our tradition of opportunistic holiday Amazon product linking. If you really love us, consider buying something via those links once in awhile!  So, we’ve already covered the most amusing Valentine gifts we could find, but at the end were left with a little question: who the HELL ever thought of giving kitchenware as a VALENTINE gift? Yes, nothing says “Gitcher ass in that kitchen an’ fry me a egg, woman” like a Tovolo Heart Shaped Spatula, or Valentine Themed Apron. If this is how your man shows his love, maybe you need a Grow Your Own Boyfriend kit. He’ll look nice alongside your Love Stinks Bearington Bear.

Nothing says “I Love You” like a Tovolo Heart Shaped Spatula

We tried to find some Valentine-themed games for your amusement, but game designers being the lovelorn demented souls that they are, the results were pretty feeble. In Valentiner, you’re a money hungry cupid shooting at money in the clouds, and in Love Overdose, you pointlessly shoot helpless teddy bears. Which is a good example of a pattern we observed a while back in which game developers seem obsessed with creating games that abuse helpless animals.

Let your man know how you feel, with
a Power Gauge Erectile Quality Monitor

I’m glad I’m not a romantic Chinese Catholic guy who lives in New Orleans; this February would be a rough month with Chinese New Year, Valentine’s Day, Mardi Gras, and Ash Wednesday all falling in the same week. Yes, after the almost holiday-free month of January, the holidays dig back in with a vengeance in February. As always, there are opportunistically scheduled health awareness programs with no clever marketing plans, like American Heart Month, which is presumably scheduled to coincide somehow with Valentine’s Day. Or Sinus Pain Awareness Month, which is scheduled to coincide with… oh. Never mind. As someone who occasionally experiences sinus pain, I just want to say I’d prefer not to have a whole month to make me aware of it. For most of us though, February means Valentine’s Day, and for people like me, Valentine’s Day means lots of opportunities to insert offbeat product links into cynical articles about the holiday. Don’t get me wrong, I’m actually quite a romantic. But the big VD seems to bring the same vibe to love that Christmas at the mall brings to Jesus. If you’ve ever waited tables, you’ve been on the front lines of the battlefield of love, and know what I mean. When you wait tables on Valentine’s Day, you get to see the penultimate expression of what the holiday is really all about: people who usually live in their jeans and hoodies wearing rented tuxes and recently-purchased dresses they barely fit into, people whose idea of a three course meal is supersizing at the drive-thru suddenly trying to figure out that extra fork, and the sickening tension of a room full of first dates and soon to be accepted or rejected marriage proposals. I can’t tell you how many times I called a cab for a sobbing woman who had just said “no” to her suitor. So yes, rest assured we’ll be back throughout the month with more thoughts on Valentine gift ideas. Because nothing says “I love you” like a Power Gauge Erectile Quality Monitor or some edible candy underthings.

Thinking of getting your partner a diamond for Valentine’s Day? Well, as they say Nothing Says ‘I love you’ Like a Superficial and Overvalued Rock Clawed From the Guts of The Earth by African Slave Labor. And on that note, nothing says “Disposable Income” like a Blancpain Womens Ultra-slim Valentine’s edition watch. Only $40,800 USD. A bit steep for your budget? Do V-Day on the cheap with a Blancpain Camelia for a mere 7 grand. If your true love is a little less materialistic, breakfast in bed is always a nice touch. Although on the surface it seems a little corny, who wouldn’t love some heart-shaped eggs and toast that says I love you first thing in the morning. After you’ve fed your precious valentine, start a morning romp by playing cupid with your love gun, or stuffing some heart-shaped ice cubes in their jammies. For reasons beyond my control, I probably won’t be romancing anyone this Valentine’s Day, but you can show the love with a comment. Especially if you have any amusing Valentine thoughts or gift ideas. [Update: It’s been pointed out to me that this is the 2009 Valentine’s Day version. I’m not a Blancpain expert so I’ll take their word for it.]

They um, condomed into it? You may have already seen the cute Durex Condom Get It On ad featured here, but like any popular video or film production, it’s always fun to watch the extras and out-takes. Here are the “behind the condom” clips, part one, part two, and part three. Valentine’s Day is traditionally a time to ramp up condom promotion (last year we had National Condom Week, with, for example, the NYC government getting into it with considerable enthusiasm), so with VD just around the corner, we thought we’d share some classics with you. You’ve probably seen the award-winning I want those sweeties clip. A good reason to remember to use one. This Dutch ad highlights the fact that you don’t even need to speak the same language to say “put a sock on it”. Durex seems to produce the most clever ads, like the one that shows a possible bad side effect of chocolate flavored condoms, or the surprisingly broad demographic for fruit-flavored ones. Durex sells sex toys too, so they also have some tips regarding cucumber sandwiches and letting grandma answer the phone. And lastly , this Trust Condoms ad from Africa shows you how not to get left out in the rain.