How can Santa bring you presents,
if you don’t know what you want?

So, you did your best to raise your precious snowflakes to be eager little capitalists. You clothed and fed them for eighteen years, then you sent little Justin and Ashley off to the finest schools your burgeoning debt and education loans could buy. And how do they repay you? They major in political science or philosophy, start THINKING and stuff, and before you know it, they RUN OFF TO JOIN THE OCCUPATION. Well, don’t give up the fight. If you disown your precious snowflake NOW, you’re doing two things to help them win their silly war against the fear and consumption driven world we lovingly crafted for them. First, by cutting them off, you’re just encouraging them to embrace their anti-consumer follies even more, running the risk that they’ll discover that money isn’t everything. Yup. Crazy as it sounds, some people ENJOY a modest lifestyle, and this peasant-like “every day’s a gift” attitude can be contagious. Second, by not spending thousands of dollars on them this Christmas like you always do, the OCCUPATION HAS ALREADY WON. Your “punishment” only punishes CAPITALISM ITSELF. So as crazy as it seems, the best way to prevent your youngster from running off and becoming some kind of vagrant, park-dwelling commie is to HELP THEM DO IT. That’s why we’ve rounded up this list of Holiday Gift Ideas for Occupiers.

Israeli Civilian Gas Mask With NATO Filter	If it’s good enough for Israel and NATO, it’s good enough for the Occupation. Although this won’t protect you from tasing, sonic assault tools, or your basic beatdown with a riot stick, it should provide relief from the stench of the camp itself.
Eureka! Apex 2 Two Person Tent	We recommend a two-person tent. You might save a few bucks on a single, but then you’ll be sleeping alone, just like you were before you left your folks’ basement to join the occupation. Anything larger, and you’ll risk having to share. Yuck.
Sex in a Tent: A Wild Couple’s Guide to Getting Naughty in Nature	Must there be a guide for EVERYTHING? These days, yes. It’s one of the perils of having created the over-educated, entitled middle class that got us into this mess in the first place.
Little Hotties Body Warmer	What could be more fun in the Occupy tent than some Little Hotties? Look, we know there’s more going on in there late at night than Marxist reading groups, but when your radical hippy lovefest abruptly ends in some stupid undergrad poli-sci debate, who’s gonna keep you warm? Little Hotties. That’s who.
Occupy – A Grown-Up Coloring Book Novel	Yup. You’re gonna need something to fill the time at the camp, and when you’re stoned out of your mind in a tent 24/7, what could be more appropriate than an Occupy Coloring Book? Crayons not included.
V For Vendetta Complete Costume	Never mind that when an occupier buys the V for Vendetta mask, they’re supporting the evil corporate empire they oppose. It freakin’ LOOKS COOL. Especially if you cough up a few more bucks for the cape and the hat. Oh. And throwing knives. See below.
12 Piece Black & Silver Ninja Throwing Knife Set	This doesn’t seem like the sort of thing a liberal peacenik would need for their Occupy Wall St activities, but this is in fact a vital component of the “V for Vendetta” outfit above. Plus, it’ll probably help you get arrested, which is the whole idea of occupying, right?
Bear Grylls Survival Series Parang	Okay, this isn’t The Congo, and we’re not shooting the movie Blood Diamond, so maybe this is overkill. They just had it listed in the “people who bought Ninja Knives also bought” recommendations, and having a machete is badass. And sounds so much more acceptable when you call it a “Parang“
Kidde Pro 210 Fire Extinguisher	My grandma always said “don’t be startin’ no fire and then puttin’ it out”. Of course she said this as she nudged the bottom of the bourbon bottle if I stopped pouring too soon, but the fact is that although you WANT to fan the flames of revolution, you don’t want to do it right inside your tent.
Pyle-Pro PMP30 Professional Megaphone/Bullhorn with Siren	If you had one of these IF YOU HAD ONE OF THESE you wouldn’t have YOU WOULDN’T HAVE to speak in short phrases TO SPEAK IN SHORT PHRASES using that human mic thing USING THAT HUMAN MIC THING. Also ALSO it would take half as long IT WOULD TAKE HALF AS LONG to say everything TO SAY EVERYTHING.
UTG Tactical Goggles	We’re not sure these serve any purpose other than making you look cool when you’re standing face to face with a cop in riot gear. I mean, if they want to pepper spray you in the eyes or something, they’ll just tase you or bop you with a riot club first to knock these off.
Police Magnum Pepper Spray Now Available in Mild, Medium, Hot, and new Cool Ranch	The year 2011 will probably be most remembered for pepper spray, thanks to the NYPD, UC Davis, and that crazy lady at Walmart. Join the fun with your OWN pepper spray arsenal. And it’s even “police grade”, whatever THAT means. Now available in Mild, Medium, Hot, and Cool Ranch.
Chaos CTR Adrenaline Balaclava	No popular revolt is complete without Balaclavas. Although generally appropriate attire for fascist police forces violating the privacy of average citizens as they throw America’s search and seizure laws out the window, they look just as stylish at the Occupy camp. Not to be confused with the Greek pastry that Greek austerity has made a rare treat in Greece itself.
Potassium Iodate Anti-Radiation Pills	Sooner or later, the US government is bound to resort to DOMESTIC false flag operations, and do something like planting a dirty bomb at an Occupy camp. Be prepared with some Potassium Iodate Anti-Radiation Pills.
Briefcase Solar Generator	No batteries? NO PROBLEM. Power that Bose sound system and iPod dock that was manufactured with the bleeding fingers of Asian children with this slim briefcase-shaped solar unit. Inspector Gadget trenchcoat not included.
The Virtue of Selfishness	A note to parents: sure, Ayn Rand died penniless and collecting government benefits under another name, but that makes this book no less valuable as one of the most effective propaganda pieces in your capitalist arsenal. Plus, they can burn it to keep warm if they like.
Global Protection Night Light Glow in the Dark Condoms	These are handy when the batteries run out and no-one feels like climbing on the bicycle generator to shed some light on things. And while it comes across as a caring gift, promoting safe sex, admit it. The last thing a capitalist parent wants is for these Occupiers to START BREEDING.

Celebrate three holidays in one with a sexy santa
outfit (cap not included) and a pole dancing kit.

The last few days before Christmas can be hectic, and for some, even depressing. Like for those folks who try to throw a party for Global Orgasm Day every year. The results may be premature, but if the visitor counter on their site is accurate, it looks like nobody came. Then of course we have Festivus on the 23rd. Which is why we pointed out last year that you may as well roll the two together. This year, as you can see in the image on the left, we’re suggesting you roll all three holidays together with a sexy santa outfit (cap not included) and a pole dancing kit. We’re not being sexist here; we think that combo is suitable for either women or men. If the military doesn’t ask, why would we? So speaking of hectic, we have some last minute Christmas shopping to do ourselves, and since we like to think that we give you a little gift almost 365 days a year, we may take a day or two off. If you have last minute shopping to do and you’re stuck for gift ideas, check out some of our offbeat Christmas gift suggestions. They’re probably more entertaining than useful, but range from the inexpensive to the insanely expensive, to the downright perverse. And if the holiday music that’s been subliminally filtering into your brain since the day after Halloween hasn’t left you feeling like the victim of some kind of merchandising psy-ops, we’ve also rounded up a ton of both classic and quirky Christmas music ideas. Anything special you’d like for Christmas this year? Tell us in a comment. There’s nothing we’d love more than to stuff your stockings.

Sure. The Pipedream Products Christmas Tree
looks harmless enough. Until you look
closer and realize Santa has a little secret.

Last year on Cyber Monday , we compiled a list of the weirdest things we could find on Amazon. This year, we thought we’d “push the poor taste envelope” a bit and instead of just rounding up the weirdest things we could find on Amazon, we thought we’d round up the weirdest things we could find on Amazon’s sexual wellness section. For the record, after spending an hour or so “researching”, we’re not so sure about the “wellness” part. So although we’ve spared you the more offensive items, if you’re the least bit prudish and are looking for gift ideas, we recommend maybe checking out Amazon’s regular Cyber Monday specials. But if you’ve never delved into this section of their site – it’s buried under “Health & Personal Care” and items don’t show up in normal searches – then join us for a brief excursion to the real Island of Misfit Toys. And pray that the creepy nerd three cubes over who visits our site isn’t your Secret Santa. For the most amusement, try guessing what the items are before reading the details. Sometimes a flashlight is just a flashlight. Sometimes it isn’t.

	At first glance, you might think this is some kind of…um…dear lord. I dunno. A computer cooling fan? A “Think Pink” ice scraper? But no. It’s a Sliquid Sqweel Oral Sex Simulator. Knowing that, all I can think of when I see this image is a disgusting “luh luh luh” sound.
	Looking for all the world like a pacifier that was left on the dashboard of your car last summer, you may be disturbed to discover that this is in fact a Vibrating Turbo Suction Tongue Stimulator. Look. I don’t care if you use one of these, just promise me you won’t kiss grandma on Christmas with that perverted little mouth of yours.
	Looking for a new harpoon gun for your whaling vessel? Well, look somewhere else, because this is a Caesar 110 Volt Personal Pleasure Machine. I don’t know who would derive pleasure from this, but if this is their idea of pleasure, I’m sure a hundred ten volts will do the trick.
	It’s just a flashlight, right? Please, just be a flashlight. Nope. It’s a Fleshlight Pink Lady Stamina Training Unit. We’ve done you the favor of displaying the less offensive image. This could be a useful “message” gift for the partner who tends to “jump to conclusions”.
	It’s odd how Apple computer design seems to have influenced so many products. No, they’re not swimming goggles, it’s the Luna Balls Pleasure Bead System. I’m at a loss as to why they need any transparent parts, considering their likely destination.
	Form doesn’t always follow function, and this isn’t what you probably think. It’s the FroliCat Interactive Laser Pet Toy. Although I’m sure one could find other uses for it. It’s got a FRICKIN’ LASER in it.
	I know. You’re wondering why we included a high-tech coffee grinder in this round up. We’re not, we’re just continuing the pet theme for a second because I think the the Bionaire Odor Grabber Litter Box somehow fits. I mean, does the person who actually buys this think their cat wants to be an astronaut, or are they some kind of weird “cat scat” voyeur?
	If you read about the item above, the natural reaction would be “Oh for Christ sake! Not a URINAL for pets!” No worries, it’s a Drinkwell Platinum Pet Fountain. Until they figure out how to package bottled water for cats, this will have to do.
	So, back to the origanal theme. In spite of the “Silence of the Lambs” vibe going on here, the Humane Restraint Locking Bed Wrist Restraint set could actually be quite a practical purchase for after the holidays, when the credit card bills start rolling in.
	I feel confident in saying that no normal person – especially a woman – wants to see the words “vaginal”, “speculum”, and “beginner” all in the same sentence. Alas, we bring you the Vaginal Speculum Beginners Speculum Kit. The product description says it “takes playing doctor to a new level”. I think I’ll skip that level.
	Little Willy Condoms are another gift idea that could send a strong message. Look at poor little Willy pondering his little willy. So sad.

As you struggle with the rude and poverty-stricken masses at Wal-Mart, using the new credit card you won’t be able to pay off to buy your kids enough presents that they won’t confuse your life with the one the Cratchits are living in the Disney 3D movie they’re watching (in 2D) with no sitter while you shop, you’ll be glad to know that Wall Street bankers and DC politicians will have their own struggles. Like the annoying peon staff they have to endure when they buy their kids $15,000 gingerbread houses at Neiman Marcus or life-size stuffed ponies at FAO Schwarz. Below are just a few of the gifts bailed out bankers will be buying their kids with your tax dollars. (By the way, if you think we’re rushing this whole Christmas thing, maybe you should check out our weird and alternative thanksgiving ideas.

Burberry Quilted Diaper Bag $1,095.00	When you’re a Wall Street billionaire, your kid shits gold bricks, so nothing less than Burberry will suffice for toting around your precious little one’s latest “accident”. Bonus: it’s imported, so you can rest assured that it was made by starving children overseas, not those assholes that are always tapping on your limo windows trying to make a buck by washing them.
BUGABOO RED Complete Cameleon Stroller $1,029.00	The description says “The BUGABOO RED Cameleon is a multi-terrain, infant-to-toddler stroller that features a reversible and height-adjustable handlebar and swivel wheel suspension, allowing for easy navigation and maximum comfort for parent and child“. Like anyone’s gonna be pushing this thing around besides the help. Part of the high price presumably covers the production work for the included instructional DVD.
Burberry Medium Check Backpack, Dusty Blossom $295.00	It’s amazing that a kid’s backpack that costs this much could also be so ugly. They must have done this to minimize the chances of  the kid getting mugged on the way to the butler’s car. They really should’ve made it out of Kevlar though. Any kid carrying this is more likely to get shot just for being the pompous brat they inevitably are.
Hansa Buffalo – Life Size $2499.99	This life sized (six feet tall) Buffalo comes with a teaching tag which describes the animal’s habitat, lifestyle, care of young and eating habits. Presumably to help rich little climate change deniers know what animals were like, because they’ll all be extinct by the time they’re grownups. Partly thanks to that Burberry diaper bag above. Will support riders up to 150 lbs, which unfortunately excludes most of the fat little brats who would actually want it.
Hansa Husky Dog – Life Size $389.99	The great thing about a gift like this is that it helps the kid to avoid building emotional bonds in preparation for things like “trophy wives” and “getting your MRS” at Swarthmore or wherever. Husky Dog comes with HANSA’s “Toys that Teach” tag so you can learn about its life in the wilds of the Arctic. Which of course (like the buffalo above) won’t exist by the time the kid’s a grownup.
FAO Schwarz 54 inch Jumbo Two Tone Bear $799.99	The description says “A huggable new buddy is ready to be your friend!” Which is good, because you won’t have any others. Someone should think about hiring the homeless for this job. The kid’ll be tired of this thing in a week or two, and 800 bucks would feed a homeless guy for like, 60 days, even factoring in the half-pints of booze.
Hansa Black Beauty – Life Size $877.99 ($790.00 on Amazon)	So, you want a pony? I got yer freakin’ pony right here. Except it’s not a cute little pony, it’s a goddamn “horse replica”. I thought rich people rode REAL horses.
Snow White’s Cottage Playhouse – $5999.00	The perfect place for your precious princess to hitch her $900 stuffed horse. Until her jerkoff brother pulls up in his Mini-Hummer (below) to bust up the tea party. No word on whether the price includes servants; I’d check the fine print and also get an appraiser in on things too. This thing will probably depreciate rapidly in today’s real estate market.
Polaris Ranger RZR Sport – $699.99	It’s amazing how the kid in the picture already has that “my dad could buy your dad” smug bastard look at such a young age. The only drawback with this mini SUV is that it uses no petroleum products, except in the plastic body parts. Make sure to buy your kid a noisy, oil-burning dirt bike as an adjunct to this gift, lest he starts finding the idea of a Prius appealing before he even has a license.
Ferrari FXX Exclusive Pedal Go-kart from Berg Toys – $2,564.05	If you’re gonna throw down so much money for this kind of thing, you might as well get something with a more prestigious brand attached to it. Besides, this Ferrari-branded go cart has double disc-brakes, a dashboard computer, and a 5-Year Performance Guarantee.
InStep Pink Lady Pedal Car $105.00	Might as well face the facts though. At best your kid’s getting one of these. With some practice they could probably pull off a hit and run and snag the Burberry backpack from the rich kid though. It would be a nice match.
Striker Pro Soccer Simulator $15,509.95	Given the ostracized precious snowflake existence your little brat is going to live, at least let them get some exercise once in a while without getting their ass kicked by regular kids. This Soccer Simulator has the added benefit of tuning your kid into an international sport and attitude, further assuring they won’t get distracted by lowbrow pursuits like baseball and football.
Tractor Time Crane $3,125.00	This is the perfect gift for a budding young entrpeneur to be. He can fill it with all the crap gifts he swiped from his folks’ PR-driven gift drive at the corporation they own, and laugh while his middle class friends spend all their money trying to get a normal sized teddy bear.

If your dad was anything like my dad, he walked 17 miles to work every day in 6 feet of snow, barefoot, with a headwind both ways, and ate boot broth soup for lunch, so he could make 13 cents a week. He also might look at you funny when you used a calculator to do some multiplication and say “Puh! We didn’t have them things in MY day“, and prove it by asking for some big numbers and then piss you off by easily multiplying pairs of two-digit numbers in his head. My dad could do pairs of three-digit numbers, but would have to stare off into space for a second mouthing and moving his finger in the air. My generation – on the whole – couldn’t do this, but seems to me to be a little more in possession of average intelligence across the board. But when I meet today’s kids, I don’t meet many “average” kids, they all seem to be vidiot savants who can’t spell but can ace you on any video game known to man or fix your wireless network, or Einsteinian freaks who get Montessori training, business and accounting tutoring, and therapy twice a week. I personally think this can all be explained by the toys we had or have. And I have to add that if you ever want to take control of my mind, set me loose in a toy store for about an hour, and after the spontaneous hypnotic age regression that occurs, I will be a pliable drooling zombie drone that will do anything you say. The same thing happens when I browse the doodads on Amazon, which I made the mistake of doing yesterday, and which led to this roundup of high tech toys I wish I had when I was a kid.

I’ll just be picking this “toy” up for myself, thank you very much.

Nerf toys got tired pretty fast when I was little, but that’s because we didn’t have a Nerf N-Strike Raider Rapid Fire CS-35 Dart Blaster. Although on reflection, Nerf toys that got boring really fast might get boring even faster if someone is machine gunning you with one of them. Along the same lines we have Wild Planet Dodge Discs, which at least have a bit a rethink of the idea, and with melon candy pastel colors! And speaking of a rethink of the “violent assault with spongey objects” idea, you can also piss off your overly-PC friends by shooting FOOD around with a Cheetah Marshmallow Shooter. It’s hip, it’s pink, it’s in a cheetah pattern. Lady Gaga could wear it as an accessory. Just you watch, marshmallow will be the new black. And speaking of shooting people, I have a theory that the recent generation of school shooting teens was the result of boomers not letting kids play with guns like previous generations did. I mean, most of my family and friends had guns all over the place, we shot them, I had all the toy guns a boy could want, and as an adult, I really don’t like them around, and I know why. So we have two more ideas for introducing war and violence into your kid’s life. First up: Battleship. In grade school, my best friend and I were MENSA wannabes, so although Battleship was one of our favorite games, we always wished there was another layer of action. We would have, er, killed for something like Electronic Battleship Advanced Mission. And since we live in a more cynical, more globally connected era, you might as well get the kids used to the horror of frag grenades and cluster bombs with toys like the Wild Planet Spy Gear Roll-In Blaster. I have to say, the company that makes that toy (Wild Planet Spy Gear) must be run by the NSA or something. They make some “questionable” toys, but they’re all also toys that my generation would’ve loved; I mean, who wouldn’t have died for a Spy Gear Motion Alarm or Spy Gear Lazer Tripwire to keep the siblings out of your room, an Educational Insights Sonic Sleuth to spy on your older sister or brother, or a Spy Gear Voice Scrambler for prank calling. I think my favorite of these Wild Planet “toys” is the Spy Safe Cracker, which includes in the main review the observation that “Parents may wish to consider the philosophical implications of a toy that teaches kids how to commit felonies, but even youngsters who are not preparing for a life of crime are likely to be entertained and challenged by this set“. Awesome. They also have Spy Gear Handcuffs, but I’ll just be picking a pair of those up for myself, thank you very much.

This is the kind of old geezer that always blocked the counter at the hobby shop when I was a kid

I was going to include something about how the crappy walkie-talkies in my day weighed two pounds and had a range of twenty feet, and how they now have wristwatch walkie talkies, but as I started typing, my seven-year-old nephew called me on his cellphone and I realized it was kind of a dead issue. I will say though, that as a kid, I would have been thrilled to have even a broken modern flip phone to “play Star Trek” with. I hate you children of today. I hate you. I also got sort of gypped the other way around; when I was a kid, radio controlled planes were the domain of adolescent old men who could dish out the several hundred bucks to buy one. The memory of these old geezers blocking the counter at the hobby shop to buy toys that were rightfully MINE is still fresh in my memory. I shake my now adult fist at you bastards! I hope all of your planes crashed, costing you thousands of dollars! But today we not only have radio controlled airplanes, we have freakin’ radio-controlled helicopters. And things that would’ve been AWESOME when “playing Godzilla” with our Hot Wheels and Matchbox cars, like radio control dinosaurs and tarantulas.

Cool, but it just doesn’t smell right.

One last item actually got me thinking about the realities of our petroleum-addicted culture: the Razor MX350 Dirt Rocket Electric Motocross Bike. As cool as it may have been to have one as a youngster, and as much as I love the idea of alternative energy vehicles, I also had flashbacks thinking about the dirt bikes that I had as a youngster. I can’t begin to imagine riding trails as a teen without the grit, petrol smells, and raucous noise of those things. I can see how that must have plugged into a lot of the boomer generation’s obsession with fuel inefficient monstrosities like Harleys and Hummers. But enough of my reminiscing and bellyaching…any toys you wish they’d had when you were a kid?

I’m not really sure what’s so stealthy about the EyeClops Night Vision Infrared Stealth Goggles, except that you’d be using them in the dark:

There’s something vaguely disturbing about the sausage-fingered yet effeminate hand model used for this spycam product shot….

…and something equally disturbing about this “Frequently Bought Together” suggestion:

I have what might be described as a poorly-manifested watch fetish. In the 90′s, I probably had two dozen watches. Fossils, Swatches, or any clever design that was in the discount bin near the checkout at stores like TJ Maxx. They all died slow, painful nightclub deaths of course though, and since 2001 I’ve only had one watch; the classic Museum Movado. Its simple functional beauty and reliability is unparalleled. I laugh every time I dodge the $80.00 “Movado Authorized” battery replacement fee and void the warranty at a nearby jeweler that does it for the cost of the battery: six bucks. But even though I’m not likely to go on another watch-buying bender any time soon, I love a cool design, and the right watch is a superb gift, so we’re rounding up some interesting watches to give you some holiday gift ideas. If you really want to impress that special someone, and money is truly no object, you might consider one of the watches from this selection, which is topped off by the Patek Caliber 89 at $5,120,000. In these lean times though, even the most affluent might consider gold, silver, or real estate before a $5.1 Million watch, so let’s think a little more reasonably. Amazon, for instance, offers the Breguet Classique Complications Tourbillon Messidor for a mere $131,669.99, which – before you complain – is $8230.01 lower than retail. But honestly let’s get just a little more real now. Personally, I’ve never been much of a Rolex fan; not even of the simple and classic Oyster Perpetual Explorer (only $4,545!). Somehow, it’s the very message of quality and stability that the watch conveys that kind of turns me off. However, this gorgeous collection of Rolex Explorers designed by Hiroshi Fujiwara for Bamford Watch Department might make me rethink things. While the original is a little over $4500.00, these redesigns are priceless. Literally. I couldn’t find pricing info anywhere. Moving from the outrageously expensive to the unique and peculiar, there are flat-out goofy choices out there like the Nooka Zub Zot SpongeBamo, the Flud Tableturns DJ-inspired model, or the Pac-Man Limited Edition Pellet-Time Watch (only 500 made, and it comes with the game for your PC). And then there’s the nerdishly intriguing but ultimately absurd, like the “let’s watch TV on your wrist” Ultimate Style 8GB Steel MP4 Player Watch with 1.8 Inch Screen or the Super Cool Mobile Phone Wrist Watch. I think we can rest assured that anything with the words “Super Cool” in the name probably isn’t. If you’re more of a do-it-yourself type, there’s the Pong Watch concept by John Maushammer. It may actually be in production at some point, but for now, he’s just sharing how he made it. If you’re a little compulsive about dates, you might consider the Everyday Special by Mr Jones Watches. At $210, the full year will only set you back about $76,650. Which of course was not their intention; Mr Jones actually does some cool watches (the Cyclops is pretty fun, for instance), and the idea of course, is to pick a date that means something to you, not cover the whole year. But enough silliness, if you’ve seen the kinds of hip and unique watch designs that pop up on gadget blogs or sites like BoingBoing, they’re almost always from shops like TokyoFlash, Nooka, or trendy lines like Diesel. And if you’re looking for the TRULY innovative, Trendhunter has a roundup that includes things like the Pierced Wrist Watch and the Seiko E-Ink Watch for women. Below are more interesting timepieces available on Amazon.

Tokyo Flash Men’s Pimpin Black Strap Watch	01TheOne Kerala Trance Binary	Nooka Zub Zenv Sponginvader
01TheOne Razor Block Binary	S+arck- Palindrome Too Watch	Diesel Men’s Blue Enamel Accented Stainless Steel