dissociatedpress.com » Barack Obama

How Your Political Rants on Facebook Killed Our Bumper Sticker Sales

admin — Sat, 13 Oct 2012 16:06:03 +0000

What better symbol for America
than a pilot-less war machine?

This has been a depressing election year. No, not because my side is losing. I’m not on one. It’s too hard to tell which side of any line these clowns are standing on. Mr. Rope-a-Hope sold out to the insurance industry to force health care on all of us, and his presidency is ironically well-represented by one of the things he gets the most flak about from his own base. What better symbol for our country right now than a pilot-less machine of war? And in the end – if he wins – Moderate Mitt will probably be more like that moniker than you think. Clearly, they scraped cells off Reagan’s body back in the 80′s, and have grafted them onto Romney to create the next meat puppet president. The transmogrification was nearly complete by the first debate. If you closed your eyes whenever Mitt spoke during that debate, you would SWEAR it was Ronny up there on the podium. Romney has even perfected that weird, breathy, Reagan vocal mannerism; if he just adds that odd head bobble of Reagan’s, the effect will be complete.

But that will only endear him SLIGHTLY to a “real” Republican, and Obama has the same problem. Democrats have one of the worst collective cases of buyer remorse since Carter first donned a cardigan for a fireside chat while his redneck brother crawled from the woodwork to market Billy Beer. And that creates a problem for people like me; it’s hard to work up some decent antagonistic campaign parodies when both sides hate their OWN candidate. The most positive responses I’ve gotten when lambasting Obama have come from bleeding heart liberals, and any protest from my conservative friends when I poke fun at Romney have been like the final punches of a fighter that knows that even if there’s no way they’ll take the title, there’s NO WAY they’ll stop punching ’til they actually go down, even if their punches ARE more like the open-handed sissy slaps I got when fighting my sister in third grade. In this cannibalistic environment, where partisans are eating their own, the best we could come up with in the last couple of years were things like the Donner Party and the Punk Party.

But you know what makes matters even worse? YOU. In case you haven’t noticed, your political posts on Facebook are the REAL joke. The level of nuance in your understanding of politics – which used to be perfectly summed up in a bumper sticker – now has an interactive publishing platform that can connect you with ONE BILLION people. In Ye Olden Days of personal political expression, the worst that was likely to happen was that you’d get flipped off in traffic for your “END OF AN ERROR” or “NOPE” bumper sticker. But now, you LOSE ACTUAL FRIENDS. But it’s okay, they were ignorant twits (i.e.: their simplistic worldview didn’t jibe with yours) anyway, right?

Early on, we thought this was going to be an easy year to cash in on parody imprinted novelty items like bumper stickers and buttons. We were excited about the idea of the Newt Swingrich campaign, and if Sarah Palin or Wide-Eyes had run, wow. What fun we would have had. But alas, things have turned out differently, and we’re still regurgitating the Hope & Change jokes from four years ago. And Romney changes his stance so much based on marketing research that by the time you whip up a parody, no-one gets it, because he has completely reversed his position! So below, we sadly present this election cycle’s feeble stab at campaign humor. We still miss you, Sarah.

We’re actually kind of proud of this one, for being so muddled in its message. It evolved out of the “You gotta hand it to Romney. Obama sure did” joke.

The Hackneyed Hope & Change Obama “O” Theme

Romney/Ryan: Rich, White, and Dumb Themes

We’ve caught some flack for implying that Romney is racist. We’re not. It’s just that he’s so absurdly WHITE. And it’s almost the very definition of “average American” to hate rich people, right?

Here’s the basis of that theme, for those who always walk straight to the Colgate Classic or ignore graphic design entirely:

And if Romney wins, you can bet we’ll be back with some Eddie Munster and Dumbo jokes. Believe it or not, Ryan’s ears weren’t photoshopped for this:

Barack Obama Interviews President Bill O’Reilly

admin — Tue, 08 Feb 2011 04:14:45 +0000

We do a fair amount of Obama bashing around here; it’s probably safe to say that many of us who voted for him feel a bit short-changed-and-hoped on occasion. But in spite of whatever you or I think about Barack Obama, I would hope that given the chance to actually speak to the man, we would maintain a little class and basic manners and remember that we’re talking to the president of the world’s most powerful democracy. I’d like to be able to say I was appalled at Bill O’Reilly’s demeanor while interviewing the president before the Super Bowl yesterday, with his constant interruptions and muttered asides, but I’m not. Although I’m rather fond of old-school manners and the concept of dignified statesmanship, I was just sort of detachedly disappointed by it all. For one thing, I’ve shared my thoughts before about how I find it ironic that Fox – an entertainment company owned by a foreigner – has become the main source of news for the most xenophobic of Americans. So the fact that Fox sent a ranting loon like O’Reilly try to stir up some paranoia about the Muslim Brotherhood in Egypt rather than asking some insightful questions was no surprise. And it’s just some darn pre-Super Bowl filler, right? I mean, while millions of people actually care about the game, it’s safe to say that many, many more people are interested in the commercial spots. So at the end of the day, a short chat with the president is just a minor distraction. Which is why it’s a little disappointing that O’Reilly couldn’t just leave it at that, and instead tried to turn it into a Fox opinion piece. Although I have to add – as someone who enjoys observing people’s body language and vocal expression – it was kind of entertaining to see O’Reilly look so awkward and hear his voice tweaked up nearly a half-octave with discomfort. But I think my biggest disappointment was that Obama didn’t get a bit tougher and just tell his heckler to shut up like Reagan might have. Unfortunately, this is where – in a weird turnabout – the white man was carrying the race card. The difference in America between Barack Obama telling someone to shut up and Ronald Reagan telling someone to shut up is, sorry to say, like night and day. Below is O’Reilly’s interview yesterday, and the last two pre-Super Bowl interviews with Katie Couric on CBS, and Matt Lauer on NBC, respectively.

Bill O’Reilly’s Fox Pre-Super Bowl Interview

Katie Couric’s CBS Pre-Super Bowl Interview

Matt Lauer’s NBC Pre-Super Bowl Interview

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Reagan Tells A Heckler To Shut Up

Hope & Change You Can Be Bereaving

admin — Sat, 22 Jan 2011 04:35:59 +0000

A couple of years ago, I asked When Did Americans Become Such Chickenshit Crybabies?, so it was kind of a relief when Patrick Smith, the “Ask the Pilot” guy, went public with a more serious and calmly reasoned treatment of the idea. Because if you look at the entire history of airline terrorism, things haven’t changed much over the years, only our reactions have. Which is at the core of just one of many reasons I take issue with the treatment of privacy rights since the terrorist acts of September 11, 2001. All along, I’ve been of the opinion – which I consider to be informed rather than paranoid – that various parties both inside and outside of government have capitalized on public fear, whether in the interest of invasive data collection or manipulating national sentiment. With President Obama’s State of the Union address coming up next week, I’m reminded of how profoundly disappointed I am with myself for falling for his campaign rhetoric and tone in 2008. One of the only reasons I voted for the man was that I foolishly believed he was sincere about troop drawdowns, lowering America’s hostile presence abroad, doing away with some of the Bush administration’s executive secrecy, and easing up on the incessant erosion of citizen’s privacy and freedom to move about. I was disappointed when Obama supported the FISA bill before he was even elected, but blew it off to a campaign-time necessity, and believed him when he said his administration would pursue a sincere review of wiretapping policies. Well, not only have none of these things come to pass in two years, he has completely contradicted himself repeatedly on almost all of them. Last year was the deadliest year so far in the Afghan conflict, with troop increases of 3,000, and a 134% increase in drone attacks and 54% increase in related deaths. The Obama White House has endorsed Bush era secrecy on torture and rendition, been worse about wiretapping issues than Bush, and made virtually no changes regarding the inept, out of control, and revenge-driven TSA, which many travelers have described as providing an experience they haven’t encountered since the Berlin Wall days. I could go on about how the Obama health care plan was a back door corporate sellout, but I won’t. The Republicans will be spending enough time deriding the plan as a dog and pony show in the coming months. No need to throw more sand in the gears of government; American politicians seem to have things pretty well ground to a halt on their own. I honestly hope to see something inspiring from next week’s SOTU address, but only because I’m idiotically optimistic about life in general. Not because I have any rational reason to do so.

Best Politician Of 2010

admin — Wed, 08 Dec 2010 04:33:51 +0000

This is only the second year we’ve selected a “politician of the year”, so we haven’t sorted out all of the ground rules yet, but we assumed one rule would be that the same politician couldn’t win two years in a row. So Joe Lieberman and Barack Obama were originally not nominees, since they shared the award last year. Well, we’ve reconsidered. Since Obama keeps acting more like Bush than Bush did without even having Dick Cheney around to goad him on, and since an Australian hacker provided more transparency in government in one weekend than Obama has in almost two years, Obama’s back in. And Joe Lieberman’s sudden decision to appoint himself Lord Master of the Internet means he’s back in the running too. We thought we had a sure winner with Tom Delay; his gallivanting around on “Dancing With The Stars” while awaiting sentencing on money laundering charges was the most politician-like behavior we’ve seen since John Edwards got caught whoring around while his wife was dying of cancer. But then Delay went and got convicted, breaking the most basic rule of politics: Break any law you want if it means winning, just don’t get caught. So in the end, we decided we were limiting ourselves by only considering American politicians for the award. It’s like reaching into the same basket of moderately rotten apples hoping for a really wormy one and always being disappointed. This year, the award is going international, and we’re open to suggestions. We’ve presented some candidates below to get you thinking.

	Senator Lieberman will always be bubbling just beneath the surface of any political scum. When asked which party he’s in, he’s likely to respond with “Which one’s winning?”, and if asked what his values are, he’s likely to say “What are those? Oh, those things that get votes.” Joe gets bonus points for remaining indistinguishable from Emperor Palpatine.
	President Obama is seen here kicking back while Julian Assange does all that tedious “transparency” work.
	Disqualified until he appeals his conviction and wins.
	President Putin is a hot favorite not only for his ability to run a global superpower with no shirt on, but for getting called President Putin a lot even though he’s actually the Prime Minister.
	President Medvedev’s consummate political skills are evident in the fact that he can be president and not actually ever appear to be presiding over anything. We’re not sure what he’s doing in this photo, but we think he’s sniffing Russian democracy to make sure it’s dead.
	Gaddafi is an eternal contender for the award, thanks to his ability to run Libya with an iron fist for 40 years while dressed like Prince. He also surrounds himself with Amazonian bodyguards like Prince, and has travel requirements (Five planes, a camel, a tent and 30 female virgin bodyguards) that rival Iggy Pop’s legendary tour rider . We’re also impressed with his ability to arrive at diplomatic functions with Berlusconi no matter how hungover he is.
	Kim Jong, in spite of keeping his citizens impoverished and in total isolation to maintain his lavish tastes as a dictator, still manages to have the worst taste in eyeglass frames and hairdressers in the world. Bonus points for staying busy refining his Liberace impression while casually lobbing artillery rounds into South Korea whenever he’s feeling ignored.
	We’re considering Nicolas Sarkozy because anybody who can be that revolting looking and convince Carla Bruni to marry him must have some exceptional negotiating or blackmailing skills.
	Why is this man always smiling? Oh. never mind. Berlusconi makes the list for converting Italy into a videocracy while at the same time bringing back the kind of leadership Rome is historically known for. You know. Like Caligula.

Things I Wish Obama Would Say In A State Of The Union Address

admin — Wed, 27 Jan 2010 12:41:17 +0000

For quite some time, I’ve wished that when a president says utterly irrational things in a State of the Union address, he would say positive things instead of things like “everyone wants to kill us because we’re so great and they’re jealous so we’ll just have to bomb someone”. So when I voted for Mr. Hopey Changey, I think I was fantasizing that in one of his speeches he would say something like “Our team of political and social analysts has spent the last year reviewing the key problems in America, and have reached some simple conclusions and developed some simple solutions. First of all, you’re all too fat, lazy, greedy, rude, and watch WAY too much TV. Y’all need to stop eatin’ those sticks of butter and supersizin’ all six meals each day. Get off your butt and at least GO FOR A WALK if that’s all you can manage. Once you’re off your butt, when you run into people, make eye contact and say things like ‘HI! HOW ARE YA?’ and hold doors for them and let them go first in line, and say ‘EXCUSE ME’ if they’re in your way instead of snorting and having a hernia. If you’re one of those fortunate enough to own six cars, two houses, and have more than a million in cash at your disposal, THINK ABOUT SHARING some of that. How many houses can you live in at the same time? We’ve also decided that corporations and government should BENEFIT PEOPLE OTHER THAN THE ONES THAT RUN THEM. Therefore, we’re stripping corporations of their human rights (um, they’re not human, right?) and stripping legislative, executive and judicial pay back to nearly nothing, so that whole “public servant” thing makes sense again. You’re also no longer allowed to sue people every time you stub your toe on their sidewalk, but all medical malpractice suits are hereby judged in favor of the patient. We all know that even the flippant ones were the result of the greed and mismanagement of the health care industry, right? And this whole lawsuit thing extends ESPECIALLY to kids. Children can no longer sue their parents, and parents can no longer sue the kids’ teachers. If the neighbor’s kids are acting up, BUST ‘EM. And you and the teacher are the grown ups, remember? TALK IT OUT. Oh. And no more padded playgrounds and helmets. All the dumbest and clumsiest kids are surviving grade school and creating a really feeble gene-pool for the next generation. I think that should cover it for this year. We’ll be back next year to see how things turned out. There may be a pop quiz in June though.

Lieberman & Obama Tied For Best Politician Of 2009

admin — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 12:30:24 +0000

With the end of the year and the decade upon us, it’s time for all those “best of” lists to start assaulting us. But have you ever noticed that there’s not much in the way of “Best Politician” lists? Well, we’re going to do our bit to remedy this. For a “Best Politician of 2009″ award, we have two nominations right off the bat. Joe Lieberman and Barack Obama. First, lets talk about Joe Lieberman. He’s been getting a lot of flak recently, but frankly, I don’t understand the fuss. Joe is what any logical-minded person would consider a consummate politician. If, by “consummate politician”, you mean a smug, lying, self-serving, turncoat bastard who will do anything including raping babies to maintain a position of influence. Joe’s interpretation of “bipartisan” is that you have to be in whichever party it takes to keep you in office, regardless of where that party’s values lie. The only thing I don’t understand about Senator Lieberman is why his parents didn’t name him Richard. Not to worry about this too much though, being named Joe didn’t stop him from earning his place in Dickipedia. And Barack Obama? As I’ve said before (in the interest of disclosure): I voted for the guy. For a while I maintained a fantasy that he’s genuinely a good man, but that as soon as he was sworn in, a gang of shadow government thugs dragged him into a dark room and waterboarded him while they told him about all the ways they would torture his loving family if he didn’t dance to the whims of the secret power elite of the military industrial complex. This delusion gasped its last breath recently, when he accepted the Nobel Peace Prize while increasing troop levels to escalate two massive military conflicts abroad. Any decent normal human being would graciously decline a peace prize under such circumstances; only a politician would accept it. We understand he’s planning to invade Iran in the hopes of winning another. We’ll be pondering the “Best Politician of the Decade” list for a bit, but who would you nominate?

Cynicism Is A Sorry Kind Of Wisdom

admin — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 11:22:54 +0000

Do You Think The Obama White House Can Fix Health Care?	YES
	NO

This is not a scientific poll

It’s rather poignant somehow that it was Barack Obama who said that on the campaign trail. The statement implies a kind of positive hopefulness that is one of the key reasons I voted for the man. I struggle with a certain cynicism about the current administration though; I wonder on occasion if I’ve been duped again by a clever campaign, and I wonder, as I’ve said before, if President Obama is doomed to a Carter-like presidency; a fairly decent man, swimming in the shark tank that is Washington. However, the confidence and clarity of his health care speech last night (full text, single page here ) reinvigorated some of my flailing hope for change in the capitol. I’m almost ashamed that his remark that “I am not the first President to take up this cause, but I am determined to be the last” made me think of Clinton, who would’ve prided himself on the ambiguity of the statement, in that he’s not claiming to fix the problem, he might just be the last president to try. I’m not fundamentelly cynical, but I think that to not be cynical about politics is naïve. And although on an individual basis with humans I’m one of the most hopeful people you’ll meet, the ongoing “Brady Bunch Dividing Line” that some American citizens have drawn between themselves seems irreversible, and completely immune to rational thought and discourse. Especially when we have a desperately struggling, profit-driven news media fanning these attitudes at every turn. So a speech like President Obama’s speech last night keeps me going, even if one of the most inspiring lines in the speech was written by Ted Kennedy: “What we face is above all a moral issue; at stake are not just the details of policy, but fundamental principles of social justice and the character of our country.” If we can remember as a country that our real, deeper American values are those regarding a certain character based on decency and reason, we’ll be alright. And I thank the president for reminding us of that. What do you think?

It’s idiots like Representative & Heckler
Joe Wilson that help keep me cynical:

Read the whole speech here if you missed it.

Speaking of cynical, here’s a way to keep you on the site for an hour.
Watch the speech, and while you’re here, click on a few ads, will ya?

Is It Barack Obama’s Fault You’re Broke?

admin — Fri, 10 Jul 2009 11:09:48 +0000

This image has little to do with the article.
We just thought it might get your attention.

I think it’s obvious if you take a quick look at the Politics section here on Dissociated Press that I’m no political science expert. But I do think I’m a little more aware than the average Bible-thumping Palin supporter, or all-bark-no-bite liberal intellectual. Which is why, although I feel comfortable in saying that politicians by and large are a bunch of money hungry, morally decrepit philanderers, I can still take a broader view and realize that although the media is already trying to link Obama administration policy to the economy, that this is patently absurd. So who’s to blame for the economic situation? Well, Time Magazine has 25 suggestions. But maybe it’s testosterone, or a glitch in our brains. Or maybe mathematics is to blame. Personally, I think it’s all at once both a little simpler, and a little more complex than all of this. I think it’s greed, and a long-term crisis of values. At least with Enron, there was a feeling that someone was going after the bad guys. And as a result, Enron no longer exists. In the case of the recent massive financial industry failures though, we’ve mostly sat back as citizens and coughed up the loot while the responsible parties move through the magic revolving door of business and government. This Vanity Fair piece about Joseph Cassano is one of the few in-depth looks at the real people behind this catastrophe that I’ve seen, and Cassano is just one of dozens of his type. I don’t know about you, but I’m broke, a little angry, and a little confused. Part of me wants to make an updated Leave Barack Alone video, and part of me wants to join Jon Stewart in saying “That’s great. Now fix the economy!” What do you think?

President Robama – Our New Robot Overlord

admin — Sat, 04 Jul 2009 13:14:43 +0000

See Robama at approximately 1:05

I’ve suspected for some time that all the world’s elected leaders are immediately replaced with robots upon taking office as part of a vast alien overlord conspiracy. Well, now I have evidence. If Disney’s Magic Kingdom can create creepy robot presidents from the Uncanny Valley like this (see Robama at 1:05) and this (see Robama at 1:20) for entertainment purposes, imagine what the dark ops people that created stealth bombers have up their sleeves. You’ll find this absurd (because that’s how an effective conspiracy works) but there is a war raging around the world, and the media is so tightly controlled that you won’t find out until it’s too late. That new Terminator movie? It’s just part of a massive PSYOP to prepare your mind for the inescapable fact that we will soon serve our robot masters. This report from a soldier in the field explains how Barack Obama’s robot army has taken over the world with their “million megawatt smiles and crushing fistbumps“. C’mon. A charming, impeccably articulate and intelligent president who exhibits almost zen-like serenity under pressure, is ridiculously handsome and is black? This had to be a dream come true. Or a robot invasion nightmare. You decide.

This Disney version is obviously an early prototype:

Is Obama A Socialist? Are Republicans Gay Fetishists?

admin — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 21:07:57 +0000

I’m not sure what country I live in any more, and the media certainly isn’t helping me figure out the answer. Between the Fox Effect (their new approach is apparently not broadcasting the president’s speeches at all) and the rapid demise of the nation’s newspapers, I’ve been feeling a little in the dark lately regarding whom to rant about. I found it odd that while Bush was still in office, few took issue (well, I did) with the fact that the administration was nationalizing the banks, but when Obama pursues actions like this, Republican wack-jobs start teabagging and calling him a socialist. With the traditional (and apparently somewhat meaningless) 100 days upon us, we have Republicans both jumping ship and throwing the cargo overboard while the “No Drama Obama” style (see this fairly balanced Politico piece) seems to be keeping seas calm. I look forward to Obama’s address Wednesday, perhaps especially because it’s not on Fox. Maybe he can give me some idea what’s going on around here.