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It Doesn’t Matter How Hard They Nail “The Hammer”, The Wood Is Still Rotten

admin — Fri, 26 Nov 2010 01:48:32 +0000

In light of Texas Republican and former house leader Tom DeLay’s conviction on money-laundering charges, I guess our recent look at political corruption in America was more timely than I had thought. I’ve shared some of my thoughts on Tom DeLay before (Warning, F-Bombs!), but I didn’t get very specific about why I find him as utterly detestable as I do. His own words sum much of it up. Making a statement outside the courtroom after his conviction, he said “This is an abuse of power. It’s a miscarriage of justice, and I still maintain that I am innocent. The criminalization of politics undermines our very system and I’m very disappointed in the outcome” (extra emphasis mine). The Napoleonic narcissism and contempt for his role as a public servant inherent in those words is reflected in his career as a political figure who has been central to the destruction of America as a model democracy over the last two decades. The visible face of his idea of serving the public is evident in activities like his involvement with the K Street Project, which facilitated the unrelenting corporatization of American politics that has led to corporations now having the same rights as you or I do. His aggressive role in the Gerrymandering of Texas displays his contempt for voter rights. Most of his real accomplishments were behind-the-scenes power plays that skirted legislative rules, making a mockery of the public trust. His smirky stance as a birther displays either delusional thinking or delight in sowing untruth, neither of which are qualities I look for in a leader. His reputation speaks for itself; I’m not going to try to list all the things he HASN’T been indicted for, or further describe the utter failure of his moral compass and delusional misrepresentation of himself as some kind of “good Christian”. I’m probably more disappointed with the American people themselves for not caring more (or being more enlightened) about the corruption amongst the leaders they factionalize themselves with by arguing about incessantly. It’s not about red vs. blue these days, it’s about struggling working class people vs. entitled, lying politicians. And DeLay’s conviction? It’s probably meaningless. He’ll either appeal and win, or get probation, and in the interim make more smug appearances on dance shows. And even if he does do time, he’ll probably end up later as a talking head on cable news like other convicted GOP felons. In the meantime, I hear he’s been working on new dance moves with his cellmate. See below.

The Donner Party – When You’re Hungry For Change But All Hope Is Lost

admin — Wed, 20 Oct 2010 01:24:10 +0000

The massive expanse left between the extreme poles of America’s rabidly partisan politics these days leaves the voter in a vast unexplored frontier, where strange and frightening things can happen. Democrats have finally elected a genius IQ black president, and in their infinite and over-intellectualized whininess are still unhappy. Republicans had eight years of exactly what they wanted, the rootenest, tootenest, pro-war, pro-business, pro-rich cowboy the world could dream of, and they’re unhappy, fleeing in droves to the imagined solace of the nebulous and disparate solutions proposed by that bizarre collage of projected voter frustration called the “Tea Party”. Personally, I’m not falling for it; that’s why I’ve proposed innovative solutions like the Punk Party, the Facebook-based I Only Like You So I Can Hate You approach , and the Palin/Quayle 2012 campaign. But in today’s ruthless, winner take all political environment, there’s really only one thing left. Cannibalism. Although the Hannibal Lecters of the GOP will deny it flat out, the Grand Ole Party has a long-standing tradition of eating their young, and in their brilliantly honed campaign savvy, they’ve realized that when the American voter is this hungry for change, they’ll eat anything. That’s why they’re willing to throw them a questionable piece of meat like Christine O’Donnell. Anything to keep the party alive, right? Which is what inspired our latest idea for an alternative political party, The Donner Party. We’re still working up some graphics, but stay tuned for an expanded store, right now we only have an overpriced Palyn/Quail bumper sticker on CafePress.

Here’s O’Donnell proving she’s ready to devour her opponents if necessary.

Facebook Politics – I Only Like You So I Can Hate You

admin — Fri, 13 Aug 2010 01:34:37 +0000

I’ve discovered a new approach to political action that seems to confuse my friends, but which I’m confident will afford me endless hours of glee, and may lead to me never getting credit for creating the soon-to-be-popular phrase “I Only Like You So I Can Hate You”. I’ve joked a number of times recently that I’m drifting back toward the apolitical stance of my twenties, but somewhere inside, I knew that I was too addicted to America’s political shenanigans to be satisfied with simple satirical observation. So I’m doing the next best thing to voting: “LIKING”. One ironic side effect of the popularity of Facebook and their omnipresent “Like” button is that if, for instance, you find yourself for some ungodly reason looking at Sarah Palin’s Facebook page, you’ll notice you can’t make a comment on any of her surreal ramblings unless you “Like” her. So today, I did. Prompting a concerned friend to immediately comment with the astute observation that – and I quote – “in spite of appearances Ian, she’s not satire“. A short while later, I coincidentally saw Ben Quayle’s campaign video (also below) that’s been getting so much press today, and immediately “liked” him too, so I could misspell his name as I asked in the comments of his campaign page what a “Tax Cartel” was. Then, as I watched the clip again to make sure it wasn’t actually a Saturday Night Live clip like this one or some viral campaign, it hit me. The solution to all of America’s political woes. The Palin/Quayle campaign of 2012. My theory being that if they don’t win, they’ll at least siphon off enough “real” republican votes to give Obama another four years to figure out what the hell he’s doing before Newt Gingrich or somebody really scary runs. And if they do win, that’s a win for America too. As the nutjob teabagging Washington outsiders that they are, it’ll take them four years to even begin to figure out how to actually get anything done, and by then the global economic collapse caused by the Reagan/Bush/Clinton/Bush/Obama corporatocracy will have fully played out, and THEY’LL get the blame. Then we can all make a fresh start in 2016. So get on board the “I Only Like You So I Can Hate You” movement and help run the hugest campaign of subterfuge and disinformation in the history of politics.

Ben Quayle’s Gonna “Knock The Hell Out Of” Washington

Unlike his dad Dan, who got the “hell knocked out of him” with one line from Lloyd Bentsen*

*Of course, there was that little matter involving a “potatoe”, but…

Why Democrats Always Lose & Why American Voters Need A Brand

admin — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 20:34:30 +0000

I realized recently that it’s a lot easier to think and talk about politics if you don’t take the topic seriously. I came to this conclusion while having dinner with my liberal friends the other evening. They were mostly talking about what they’ve donated to help Haiti, and how shocking it was that Scott Brown had won in Massachusetts. I accidentally started an argument by asking if they had put their donations on credit cards, asked how much personal debt they carried, what they thought about the federal deficit, if they had thought about Haiti much prior to the earthquake, and what they had done about military spending lately. It really was an accident, but the ensuing brouhaha made clear a point a conservative friend of mine had made recently, which is that people in power love it when the liberal intellectuals get engaged in political discourse, because then they get so busy debating the finer points of the issues at hand that they end up not doing anything about them. And that’s why I reckon we’ll have no new health care plan, a couple new wars, a quadrillion dollar deficit, and a Republican president in 2012. Seriously. Sure, America elected its first black president and the first democratic congressional majority in a while last year, but it took two wars, thousands of deaths, a nationalized banking and auto industry, a massive loss of privacy rights, and a thoroughly gutted economy to do it. And what are liberals talking about a year and a half later? Haiti, a health care bill, and a single republican senator in New England. Don’t get me wrong, this works on conservative voters too. Tell a bunch of hillbillies in a bar that Cat Stevens hates Jesus, that Asians and Mexicans are taking all the jobs, and that allowing gay marriage will turn their kids into atheist homos, and the next thing you know you have George W. Bush in the White House. The Lutzian/Rovian strategy of pandering to voter ignorance is now standard operating procedure for campaigning; ironically the Obama campaign is one of their best proofs of concept. So given this profound dopiness on the part of the American populace, it occurred to me that if the GOP has its elephant, and the Dems have their donkey, the American Voter needs a mascot too. I figured a monkey was a good choice. What about you? Any suggestions?

January Holidays: Is Giving Blood Really As Pointless As Voting?

admin — Wed, 06 Jan 2010 15:42:46 +0000

We recommend giving, in
spite of the AABB’s warning

Thankfully, the month of January is a little light on holidays. After the brutal onslaught of holidays that begin around Halloween, most people spend the month in therapy or divorce court, or are busy failing to stick to their resolutions, so don’t really have the time or the inclination to celebrate. The only “real” national holiday is Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, which should be a big deal this year, because the nation has its first black president. Or does it? We’ll leave that up to you to decide. I’m personally not sure I recognize race in the first place. Anyway, as a result of all these empty calendar spaces, non-profits and health organizations jumped on the opportunity, so we have Thyroid Awareness Month, Glaucoma Awareness Month, National Birth Defects Prevention Month, Cervical Health Awareness Month, and National Blood Donor Month, none of which had clever campaigns worth linking to, except National Blood Donor Month, which has a pretty lame pitch that says “donating blood regularly is as important as voting“. And as we all know after the past few years, voting is a waste of time. Way to go, American Association of Blood Banks! I might have given, if it weren’t for your input. To people of my era, probably the most important event in January is the combined birthday of Elvis Presley and David Bowie. So happy Elvid Bowsley day!

Um, you guys wanna re-think that pitch?

Don’t Be An Electoral College Dropout

admin — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 12:36:37 +0000

When I bring the topic up in casual conversation, I’m shocked at how unaware most people are of the pervasiveness of election manipulation in America. For a simple “you are there” demonstration, watch the video at left for an example of the sort of thing that can happen. Diebold, one of the biggest providers of voting machines, has even admitted that half of its machines in Ohio are faulty. This after their former CEO said in 2003: “I am committed to helping Ohio deliver its electoral votes to the president next year.” So what can you do? BlackBoxVoting.org was one of the first well-organized non-partisan groups to address this issue, and remains a great resource. You can also check out the Election Protection coalition, via that link or by phone at 866-OUR-VOTE. And if you have ANY DOUBT at all that your vote is being improperly tabulated, call over an election worker and bring it to their attention before you complete the process. And then just pray, because, as I’ve pointed out before , organizations like International Institute for Democracy and Electoral Assistance don’t have a section devoted to North America.

They, The People

admin — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 02:58:26 +0000

Am I a “Constitution Voter”? Well, as outlined by the Constitution Party, I guess not. Number three of their “Seven Principles of the Constitution Party is “Family: One husband and one wife with their children as divinely instituted”. Is that a Constitution-based principle? I’ll have to read the darn thing again to be sure, but that just doesn’t sound right. I guess anybody could form a political party and call it “The Constitution Party”. I mean, Vanilla Ice called himself a rapper, right? This whole question came up for me in 2003 or so, when I said to a friend of mine that since neither party had represented my values for so long, I’d be ecstatic if a new party came together, maybe one that had a big emphasis on constitutionality. Oh well. Another dream hijacked by the power-hungry. I didn’t let that stop me from getting my free ACLU I’m A Constitution Voter bumper sticker though, gosh darn it. Which gives me an idea. One of the GOP’s key strategies over the past twenty years has been defunding the left. Maybe if we all banded together and demanded every free campaign item imaginable from our opponent (whoever they are), and then didn’t use it…

Who Needs A Decider When You Can Have A Divider?

admin — Sun, 24 Aug 2008 18:16:50 +0000

So, you’re informed on the issues, and you’ve made your decision. It’s either Mr. Hopey-Changey Guy or Mr. Vietnamikaze. So why not prove to yourself with a blind taste test that you’re picking the right candidate for your needs? Take the quiz at GlassBooth.org, and you may be surprised at the results. Using a simple series of questions to define your core values, the site will tell you which candidate is the best match. You can even compare candidates that have dropped out, and rank by pecentage matches. Much to my horror, my best match out of the remaining field was Ralph Nader. Yes, that egomaniacal man of the people is running again, and no, I didn’t know either, until today. On my behalf I have to point out that the site doesn’t factor in whether or not you think a candidate is a blithering idiot or not. My best match out of all candidates was actually Bill Richardson.