With the amount of time that seems to have been put into compiling lists of last minute Halloween costumes, it’s not surprising that they’re in such demand. It’s sad though; if the people that put together the lists had just gotten busy making their costume, this whole cycle could have been averted. If you’ve ever been in a last minute panic trying to create a Halloween costume, you may be familiar with that sick childish feeling of futility, the feeling you might have gotten as a kid when your mom forgot to plan ahead, and at the last minute is acting all martyrous while cutting holes in a sheet thinking she’s doing you a favor, when all your friends are dressed up in slick Darth Vader and Hello Kitty costumes. This last-minute thing has had both good and bad outcomes for me. One year everyone loved my “evil priest ” outfit, which only required putting a white square on the collar of the black shirt I always wear anyway. Somehow the “evil” part just came naturally. Another year, my date and I didn’t dress up at all, and for reasons I still don’t understand, everybody kept guessing that we were Legolas and Arwen from “Lord of the Rings”. I mean, it’s not like I was wearing a Legolas wig or anything. In any case, we’re here to help ease your last minute anxiety. We already shared the 15 Most Offensive Halloween Costumes we could find, but it may be too late for those. Halloween is only a week away as I type this, and with rush shipping that would be one pricey little penis costume. So what are your options? Well, you could always stick a paper bag over your head and go as The Unknown Comic, but for people under forty, he’s probably more unknown than ever. So lets explore the internets. There are hundreds of useless lists like this one on CollegeHumor.com which are just searchspam or really bad attempts at humor. Example: they suggest “Walk Signal” as a costume and then tell you to wear Christmas lights and stay in a “walk” position all night. Or this list from Halloween.com, which is apparently for people who don’t like to do a lot of work, and don’t mind doing a lot of explaining. It starts off with “Carry a quarter and a hammer. What are you? A Quarter-pounder!” *rimshot*. For some actually useful ideas, this Fox News piece from a few years ago had a few, including a mummy outfit, which only calls for gauze. LOTS of gauze. Or Clark Kent: just dress up like the dork you already are, but wear a Superman t-shirt underneath. And there’s a huge user-submitted list of Fast and Simple Last-Minute Costumes (reasonably useful, but annoyingly spread over several pages) on About.com. Things like the Biker Costume, submitted by “kuntrygrl94″, whom I can only guess was just listing what she was wearing at the time. Got any good ideas yourself? Feel free to share. Below are a few “Buy it on Amazon” vs “Do it Yourself” ideas. Happy haunting!

The “Unknown Comic” Costume Is Available In Both One & Two Bag Versions

Do It Yourself vs. Buy It On Amazon

Male Stripper	The tempation to say “shirt not included” is overwhelming, but oh c’mon. This is a Costume? I don’t know about you, but I wear this kind of thing around the house every day.
Mummy Costume	Why spend over thirty bucks on a Mummy Costume when you get the same results with a “family pack” of Charmin?
BP Means “Bad Planning”	This Bad Planning BP Oil Spill Costume from Amazon might be a waste of your hard-earned money. I mean, who doesn’t have a dead fish and a pipe wrench laying around the house. What? Those are extra?
Legolas Costume Wig	Go ahead and spend twenty bucks on a Legolas Costume Wig. Just don’t be surprised when everyone compliments you on your Hansons costume.
Jersey Shore	I think I need to watch more TV. This Jersey Shore theme was one of the most common suggestions on many of the “easy last minute costume” lists. If this is a costume, I’m just gonna borrow it from the guy at the gas station down the block.

I like to think of Halloween as a fairly light-hearted affair; a time to either just get silly, or for the more repressed amongst us, to live out our secret selves. The latter probably being a good explanation for why so many supposedly straight men seem to get so enthused about dressing up in drag. My tradition tends to be to think up all sorts of great costumes well ahead of time, forget to create them, and then improvise at the last minute. One year this resulted in my putting on a black turtleneck, black pants, and attaching socks and underwear all over to go as “Static Cling”. If you’re ever in a last minute jam, remember – you can always grab some ping pong balls, shave your head, and go as Homer Simpson. But unfortunately, in these tense, post-politically correct times, some people have to take everything seriously. Last year’s controversy about this offensive “illegal alien” costume remains a pertinent issue this year, thanks to the alarmist and paranoid Texas Terror Baby crowd. I personally don’t find that costume all that offensive; certainly lowbrow and in poor taste, but hardly something to get up in arms about like the people making comments in the product reviews . I was fairly confident that we could find something much more offensive, and the internet didn’t disappoint. Below is our roundup of the 15 most offensive costumes of 2010. Feel free to share any of your own.

Illegal Alien	The costume that sent me on my mission.
Genie in the Lamp	This one is bound to rub someone wrong.
Third Leg	Please note that wearing this is likely to decrease your chances of getting a date by 87%. And if you do get a date, the disappointment factor when you “get busy” will increase by an equal percentage.
Funny Nasty Flasher	Sure, you probably already have a flesh-colored body suit and trenchcoat in your closet, but according to the description, this costume also comes with a wig and an “impressive member”. “Censored” sign and batteries not included.
Down for the Count	Oh. I get it. “Down for the Count”. Aren’t we clever. Too bad that on top of being kind of a revolting costume in the first place, the inflatable oral companion looks like a 12-year-old girl. They should’ve just gone all the way and made it a priest costume.
Country Loving Funny	If you live in a rural area, this costume is clearly a waste of money. But if you live in an urban area, you know how hard it is to find willing sheep. Especially willing sheep in fishnets.
Big Pink Vagina	The temptation to say something like “douche not included”, is overwhelming, but apparently it is. It’s you, when you decide to buy and wear the costume.
Mens Sexy Doctor	Oh please. I wear this getup at least once a week. I’d hardly call it a halloween costume. Besides, you can swipe all of the costume components at any “public health” clinic. Not that I spend time in public health clinics or anything.
Hung Like A Horse	See “Third Leg” costume, above. On a positive note, the orientation of the horse head makes it clear up front that the wearer of the costume is a horse’s ass.
Droopers Waiter	Because of my age, at least half of my friends – whether men or women – wouldn’t need this costume. By the way, the image is misleading. It doesn’t come with the wig, the sunglasses, the tray, or the dishes.
Sperm Bank	Confusingly, you would again have to be a bit of a douche to wear this one. Consumer protection notice: The purchase agreement didn’t make it clear whether or not you’d be penalized for early withdrawal.
Private Parts Penis Head	I know plenty of men that this would be perfect for, but frankly (heh. I said “frank”) this looks more like the chef hat you would be required to wear if you worked at Dick’s Mountain Oyster Bar.
Plumber	It’s unfortunate, but in the case of at least two-thirds of Americans, the response to this costume would be “hey, I thought you said you were dressing up for Halloween this year”
Junk In The Trunk	This one at least puts a little bit of a humorous spin on the big butt theme. Maybe this one and the one above would be a good “his & hers” theme. Just add Sir Mix A Lot.
Happy Halloweenie Penis	Are you noticing a recurring theme here? I guess this one would be better for the man who’s a total dick, and not just a dickhead.
Gross Accident Pants	Is there more that can be said here? Depends.

As with the smoking turkey pictured above, it’s hard to say what’s gonna get you first.

Have a nice Veteran’s Day all the same.

This is one of the badges from the Epilepsy Foundation’s mythbusters campaign:

Sure, you can go as an iPhone or an iPod…

Just realize you’ll be up against these dorks:

And don’t forget to anthropomorphize your pets!

If you missed the fact that Diwali was a little earlier in October this year, we have a helpful tip. With Halloween only two weeks away, just carve your pumpkins early, stick candles in all of them, and celebrate “Diwaliween”. Just so you don’t make the same mistake in the future, here are the dates for Diwali through 2022. Also on the 17th this year, we have that dose of artificial sweetener called “Sweetest Day”, which – although charming on the surface – was actually created by businessmen in Cleveland in 1921 to sell candy. With equally shallow sentiments, we have United Nations Day on the 24th, when – much like the rest of the year – United Nations members aren’t. By the way, Diwali wasn’t the only celebration we almost overlooked; in case you weren’t aware that there’s energy, October is Energy Awareness Month. For those of you who need all your information in the form of an interactive Flash game, EnergyStar has graciously complied. Because you know, simply listing things would be boring. Who knew that turning off the lights saves energy? Personally, I think they could’ve saved a lot of energy by firing the person that created that interactive graphic. Still to come this month, we of course have Halloween. Last year, the scariest thing about Halloween was the fact that Ben Bernanke and Hank Paulson were in charge of averting global economic collapse. This year, the scariest thing is that they don’t seem to have fixed much; retail sales appear to be down about 18% for the season. Perhaps if retailers like Target stopped offending middle-income liberal elitists by selling tasteless “illegal alien” themed costumes, sales would improve. We’re not offended, so in the interest of a healthy economy, we’d like to point out that although Target pulled the product, Amazon and others haven’t. Buy one today.

UPDATE:

When this piece was posted we weren’t aware of this costume, which is more likely to be the one that’s caused all the controversy. I’ve actually contacted Target to find out.