Just sit on Santa's lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up, okay son?

The other day a friend of mine caught her eight year old daughter using “WTF” all over her Facebook comments. “Do you even know what that means honey?”, she asked. “Of course I do mom. It means ‘wow that’s funny’”, her daughter replied. Of course this didn’t actually happen, at least not in my life; that little story has been kicking around the web since at least 2008. But it’s perfect for filling in the word count on fluff pieces based on “WTF Christmas Presents”, so there you have it. We’ve done plenty of roundups of offbeat Christmas gift ideas  before, in fact, we did one just the other day. And although some of the stuff we’ve found was seriously weird, somehow we’ve never gotten around to doing a straight-up “WTF gifts” piece. So we figured with the end of the world (which scenario will it be?) just a couple of days away, we’d better squeeze one in. If you happen to be reading this after December 21, 2012, go ahead and bask in the cocky assuredness that the world didn’t end after all. But then ponder something my friend Nick pointed out to me today, which is that maybe the world DID end. I’ll leave it to you to decide what that would mean about your existence, but for now, HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

	They just don’t make gifts like THIS any more….
Cashel Daddle	Oh wait. Yes they do.
Melissa & Doug Doctor Role Play Costume Set	When I was a kid, we didn’t need a “costume set” to play doctor, we would just go behind the — GOOD GOD. Is that a SYRINGE that girl is holding?
Maybe You Touched Your Genitals Hand Sanitizer	Hopefully somebody is touching your genitals this holiday season. And if they are, now they can clean up before preparing the cranberry sauce or wrapping gifts.
Chef’n Bananza Banana Slicer	Is it just me, or is there a subtle hostility being expressed by the hand model? Trust me. Giving this gift to the man in your life will send a strong message.
Bebe Gloton Breastfeeding Doll	You’re probably only going to have one of two reactions to this. Either you’ll think it’s the greatest thing since bra burning, and celebrate the fact that this doll inspired your daughter to throw away her toy baby bottles (or better yet, your son, right?), or you’re going to recoil in horror screaming “omgwtf can’t kids just be kids any more oh jeebus h chrysler whatistheworldcoming to????”
Like and Dislike Stamps	Admit it. At least once you’ve read an email or comment somewhere other than Facebook, and reflexively gone to click “Like”. Now you can do it in real life, and do away with ALL nuance in your commentary, not just on FB.
WTF Stamp	And while you’re at it, you can “comment” in real life with this handy WTF stamp.
Shot Glass Checkers Set	This should reinvigorate interest in checkers in the over three, under sixty-seven demographic.
Pet Petter	As the package says, “Never touch your pets again”. And you can do all that never touching at an amazing 85 pats per minute!

First, the perfect gifts for your socialist friends who are pushing us off that Fiscal Cliff:

	A timeless classic which will make any socialist happy, since no commerce whatsoever need take place. At least, that is, if you’re smart about it and steal it from an abandoned coal bin. If you MUST buy it, make sure it was mined by ethically treated union members, or you’ll risk the pious wrath of your labor-loving comrade.
	Yup. A rock. But this is a politically correct holiday rock. That’s why there’s no bow or other symbol of some patriarchal, robber baron capitalist pseudo-holiday. Be sure not to suggest even a remote connection to the idea of “Pet Rocks” though, which implies “ownership” of another sentient being. Great for throwing through government windows!

Gift Ideas for Our Wealthy Overlords-to-be

Charles Dickens Action Figure	What better symbol for your new role as a Dickensian slumlord? Keep this little guy on your desk as a reminder that it’s your very purpose in life to prevent the starving masses from having a happy Christmas.
Wall Street Victim Action Figures	Put a bunch of these on the floor and shower them with worthless pieces of paper to bring back memories of the good old days, when you did the same with toxic mortgage deals but actually got to skim the cash off before the con collapsed on the little guy.
Bullwhip – 105 Inch	If you want something done right, do it yourself. Or whip someone ELSE until THEY do it right. Now that the dollar is almost worthless, you can’t create as many wage slaves. But maybe you can have REAL ones!
Potty Putter Putting Mat Golf Game	The new Wealthy Power Elite will have so much leisure time that they’ll have to practice golf while crapping, if they want to maintain a competitive game.

Gift Ideas for the New Brokeass You

Just because you’re broke doesn’t mean you get to skip Christmas. Like my grammaw always said to my cheapskate grampaw, “don’t stick a bow in yer ass and tell me it’s Christmas”

Super Mullet Wig	Your fall from the fiscal cliff is going to happen so fast you won’t even have time to grow a proper mullet to suit your new socioeconomic class. Be prepared. Get a wig.
Waitress Action Figure	You can play with this waitress action figure in your pretend restaurant, because you won’t even be able to get a waiter job at Appleby’s, let alone a REAL job.
Construction Worker Role Play Set	With any luck, by the time your kids are old enough to get a real job (at the age of eleven under the new labor laws) one of the few available will be building security fences in the gated communities of the rich. Might as well give them some occupational home schooling.
My First Tattoos Kit	This fun tattoo kit for kids will help them plan ahead so that when they end up in debtor’s prison, they won’t get one of those gaudy jail tats.
Beer Can Holster Belt	Big surprise: one of the post econopocalypse laws will prevent citizens from owning guns, for fear of an armed revolution. Beer will still be prevalent though, perhaps even encouraged. Much like how the Pharaohs kept the pyramid builders liquored up on mead. You’ll need someplace to carry it.
Lionel Tinplate Train Set ($2,759.99)	Neener neener, just kidding. Only the rich kids get actual toy trains. And they’ll cost over two grand, like this one.
Redneck Life Board Game	Still messin’ with you. This really should be in the rich people section. Not only can you not afford it, you wouldn’t find its meta-irony amusing any more.
Redneck Yard Sign	Face it. In a few years, people won’t be able to tell if you are or not, as the car you can’t afford gas for starts rusting out in the yard. Might as well plan ahead and get this now, before your credit card is cancelled.
Rosie the Riveter “We Can Do It” Action Figure	Sure. We can do it. If by “it” you mean slaving away making luxury items for your evil overlords who finally stopped outsourcing, and brought the jobs home. At the same wages they paid in China.
The Magic School Bus Chemistry Lab	After the New Power Elite finish dismantling the public school system, the six kids you have because they also outlawed birth control will have lots of time on their hands. Might as well put ‘em to work making meth like that guy in Breaking Bad. Bonus: You can get high to escape your miserable existence! Magic school bus indeed.
UPS Guy Costume	This will prepare those same kids for the inevitable job as a peon delivering the toys that the rich people buy THEIR kids on Amazon, which get shipped out each day from the ubiquitous slave camp like shipment centers, formerly known as “the post office”.
Buffalo Bill’s Hickory Shredded Beef Jerky Chew	Under normal circumstances, the poverty stricken often chew tobacco. You’ll be too broke for that. Better replace the tobacco with something that also provides nutrients. If jerky in fact contains any nutrients. The container is also great for pickup games of street hockey.
White Trash Etiquette: The Definitive Guide to Upscale Trailer Park Manners	Just because you’ve been reduced to living in a trailer doesn’t mean you have to ACT like you live in a trailer. Or maybe it does. This handy guide will help you sort things out.

Charmageddon

Are you trapped in a dismal relationship, dreading Valentine’s Day even more than usual this year? Well put your mind at ease, because this is your time. Why? In case you forgot, we’re all going to die in some kind of end-of-the world scenario this year, like maybe Chicken Shawarmageddon. What better time to end a relationship than The End of Days? We’ve served up plenty of strange Valentine’s Day gift ideas  before, like Last Minute Valentine Gifts For Romance Impaired Misogynists, and Valentine’s Day Gift Ideas To Win Back Your Ex-Girlfriend. But this year, why worry about your existing ex, when you can make a new one? And if you want to make sure someone gets out of your life forever, what better day than Valentine’s Day? There’s no need to boil someone’s bunny, like in Fatal Attraction, or put a horse head on their bed, as in the famous kiss-off in The Godfather. Besides, in some cultures, the latter was historically considered an expression of love. No, giving someone the pink slip on Valentine’s Day will leave no doubt in their mind about whether it’s just a passing quarrel, and can be accomplished with simple and inexpensive gifts that say it all. So if you’re simply looking to dump someone, or, worse yet, if you’ve settled for an awkward half-baked solution that has left you in a position where the three words you dread hearing most as you make passionate love with the person that truly sets your heart on fire are “Honey, I’m home”, maybe it’s time to make a change. We’re here to help with the perfect gifts to break someone’s heart, instead of melting it.

	One quick, easy and FREE method of beginning the end of things is the by-now-cliched “change your Facebook relationship status” trick. Just be careful. This can get you killed.
	Nothing says “goodbye” like a set of luggage. Except when you add “there’s the door, don’t let it hit your ass on the way out”. The Samsonite 5 Piece Nested Luggage Set is not only affordable, it’ll make him look cheap as he wanders from cheap hotel to cheap hotel, pondering where he went wrong.
	Give them a copy of Mars and Venus Starting Over: A Practical Guide for Finding Love Again After a Painful Breakup, Divorce, or the Loss of a Loved One, right after you re-key all the locks on the house, drain the bank accounts, and hire a lawyer. The existence of this book begs the question though: If John Gray is so good at saving relationships, why did he need to write a breakup book?
	If you’re a woman, the solution may be simpler than you think. First, stop faking orgasms. That’ll mess him up. And once you’ve got him off-balance, give him the creepy and clinical looking Male Extender Penis Enlargement Device. Now only $239.98!
	Or save a lot of money and deliver a more lethal blow with the Size Matters Beginner Pump for only $11.91.
	If you’re a man, you may or may not have figured out by now that the answer to the question “do I need to lose a little weight?” is nothing other than “No, don’t be silly”. In any case, there’s no mistaking the message sent by a common bathroom scale. Especially if you call from the tarmac to tell her it’s gift-wrapped and sitting on the kitchen counter, after boarding your one-way flight to Thailand.
	Whether you plan to take action or not, the sadly under-acknowledged genius of Cynthia Heimel turns the tragedy of romance into side-splitting comedy in her books Get Your Tongue Out of My Mouth, I’m Kissing You Goodbye!, When Your Phone Doesn’t Ring, It’ll Be Me, and If You Can’t Live Without Me, Why Aren’t You Dead Yet?!
	Granny panties. Need we say more? This is of course a gift for yourself, not for your soon-to-be-ex. This tool may be even more effective if you’re a man and start wearing them.
	If you’re a man, you’ve probably already got this covered, and it’s only her blind devotion that has kept her from leaving you already. If you’re a woman, this is an easy and free way to drive him away. Give those pits a rest, and all those other places too. Why is waxing not against the Geneva Convention, anyway?
	Need more ideas? Oh c’mon. There must be fifty ways to leave your lover. Do we have to do all the heavy lifting around here? Okay, one more. Start dressing like Paul Simon.

Shawarmageddon Is Near

One strange side effect of growing up in the era of the DVD and Roland Emmerich films is that your typical end-of-the-world scenarios probably just aren’t gonna cut it. Catastrophic floods? Been there. Alien Invasion? Done that. Earthquakes, floods, and other terrestrial tragedies caused by solar activity? Yup. And Roland Emmerich certainly has no corner on end times scenarios either. In fact, according to Wikipedia, the world has already ended 184 times . There was, of course, a glut of predictions surrounding the year 2000, but except for the “Y2K Bug” – which showed a little creativity – most of those were pretty run-of-the mill asteroid collisions and resurrections of the messiah kind of stuff. So what of interest to us in 2012 could the Mayans possibly have come up with? Nada, that’s what. How could they have possibly envisioned things like the Chicken Shawarmageddon or the The Botoxalypse? I mean, they didn’t even have electricity, never mind Middle Eastern food or the rap music culture necessary to pave the way for the Tupacalypse. No, the whole idea behind the end of the world is that you won’t really be prepared, and the human race probably IS prepared for things like “a whole bunch of water” or frogs falling from the sky. That’s why we’ve assembled a list of twelve alternate endings for 2012. Endjoy.

Carmageddon

This begins on the 405 just outside of LA, cascading in a domino effect that engulfs the globe. This event does not actually bring the end of the world though; a few soccer moms in Volvos survive to rebuild civilization.

Smarmageddon

In this scenario, all cable and satellite channels worldwide begin to broadcast “Fox & Friends” twenty four hours a day, until everyone is driven to a murderous frenzy, decimating most of the global population. This ends up only taking about thirty six hours. Gretchen, Steve, and Brian then lord over 1,000 years of relentless morning smarm, ALL DAY, EVERY DAY.

Chicken Shawarmageddon

This is one of the few end of the world scenarios that is available to go, and usually as a sandwich under five bucks. The word “Shawarma” is derived from a Turkish word that means “to turn”, which is what the world will stop doing in 2012.

Velocirapture

No one is really sure how this one is going to play out. Did the velociraptor go extinct millions of years ago for our sins, only to return and save us from our own self-destruction? Was Jesus really a raptor, who – as it is said in Cretaceous 3:27 – will “save you from Satanasaurus Rex”? Probably only Philosoraptor knows for sure.

Portions of this article are brought to you by Rapture Totale

The original line of skin care products by Christian Dior brought new life to your skin. The 2012 line WILL TAKE IT AWAY. And all the life inside it, too. This scenario may be accelerated by the Botoxalypse (see below).

The Botoxalypse

The bacterium used for Botox mutates, creating an airborne, highly contagious strain that not only removes the ridges from your forehead, but also the ridges from your brain tissue. The world is over-run by masses of bleach blonde, Chanel bag-toting, chardonnay-swilling zombies with expressionless faces.

Ape-pocalypse

If a chimp playing first-person shooters isn’t a sign of the End of Days, I don’t know what is. Next thing you know, they’ll be demanding “Ape Personhood” or something, hahahaha. Oh. Never mind. In any case, I for one welcome our new ape overlords. But I kinda like bananas, so that’s not surprising.

Aporkalypse

Sometimes pigtures speak louder than words.

Arachnapocalypse

Spiders. LOTS AND LOTS of creepy crawly SPIDERS. ‘nough said.

The Jockalypse

Doesn’t it seem like every day, another of your friends starts running or working out fanatically at the gym, maybe switching to a bizarre diet of curdled beans and seaweed? This herd running behavior is merely the beginning. By year’s end, the ENTIRE GLOBAL POPULATION will be running. Nowhere. In teeming hordes. They’re coming your way, as you can see below.

They just had a little bottleneck at the bridge in New York:

Tupacalypse

C’mon. You should’ve known SOMETHING was up with titles like 2Pacalypse Now, Me Against The World, Until The End Of Time, and The Don Killuminati: The 7 Day Theory. And he flat out SAID he’d be back to clean things up in Words Of Wisdom.

Econopocalypse

Zombie Banks, Toxic Investments, the Greater Fool losing the Keynesian Beauty Contest , and a Great Vampire Squid Wrapped Around The Face Of Humanity all sound like elements of a George Romero or Wes Craven film, but really, it’s just business as usual in the financial services industry.

Occupocalypse

This scenario will be intense. Or, more accurately, in tents. And probably will be caused by that careless smoker on the right.

Fapture

This only afflicts kittens, and is already occurring, mostly on Reddit/GoneWild .

BUT WAIT!

This isn’t the END of the end of the world, we just didn’t have time or space to cover ALL the possibilities.

Help us out with descriptions or pictures for any of these BONUS catastrophes.

Farmageddon

Charmageddon

Kharmageddon

Crapture

Napture

(Bitch)Slapture

Crockalypse

Dockalypse

Flockalypse

Frockalypse

Glockalypse

Hockalypse

Lockalypse

Mockalypse

Knockalypse

Rockalypse

Sockalypse

Tockalypse

Wocalypse

How can Santa bring you presents,
if you don’t know what you want?

So, you did your best to raise your precious snowflakes to be eager little capitalists. You clothed and fed them for eighteen years, then you sent little Justin and Ashley off to the finest schools your burgeoning debt and education loans could buy. And how do they repay you? They major in political science or philosophy, start THINKING and stuff, and before you know it, they RUN OFF TO JOIN THE OCCUPATION. Well, don’t give up the fight. If you disown your precious snowflake NOW, you’re doing two things to help them win their silly war against the fear and consumption driven world we lovingly crafted for them. First, by cutting them off, you’re just encouraging them to embrace their anti-consumer follies even more, running the risk that they’ll discover that money isn’t everything. Yup. Crazy as it sounds, some people ENJOY a modest lifestyle, and this peasant-like “every day’s a gift” attitude can be contagious. Second, by not spending thousands of dollars on them this Christmas like you always do, the OCCUPATION HAS ALREADY WON. Your “punishment” only punishes CAPITALISM ITSELF. So as crazy as it seems, the best way to prevent your youngster from running off and becoming some kind of vagrant, park-dwelling commie is to HELP THEM DO IT. That’s why we’ve rounded up this list of Holiday Gift Ideas for Occupiers.

Israeli Civilian Gas Mask With NATO Filter	If it’s good enough for Israel and NATO, it’s good enough for the Occupation. Although this won’t protect you from tasing, sonic assault tools, or your basic beatdown with a riot stick, it should provide relief from the stench of the camp itself.
Eureka! Apex 2 Two Person Tent	We recommend a two-person tent. You might save a few bucks on a single, but then you’ll be sleeping alone, just like you were before you left your folks’ basement to join the occupation. Anything larger, and you’ll risk having to share. Yuck.
Sex in a Tent: A Wild Couple’s Guide to Getting Naughty in Nature	Must there be a guide for EVERYTHING? These days, yes. It’s one of the perils of having created the over-educated, entitled middle class that got us into this mess in the first place.
Little Hotties Body Warmer	What could be more fun in the Occupy tent than some Little Hotties? Look, we know there’s more going on in there late at night than Marxist reading groups, but when your radical hippy lovefest abruptly ends in some stupid undergrad poli-sci debate, who’s gonna keep you warm? Little Hotties. That’s who.
Occupy – A Grown-Up Coloring Book Novel	Yup. You’re gonna need something to fill the time at the camp, and when you’re stoned out of your mind in a tent 24/7, what could be more appropriate than an Occupy Coloring Book? Crayons not included.
V For Vendetta Complete Costume	Never mind that when an occupier buys the V for Vendetta mask, they’re supporting the evil corporate empire they oppose. It freakin’ LOOKS COOL. Especially if you cough up a few more bucks for the cape and the hat. Oh. And throwing knives. See below.
12 Piece Black & Silver Ninja Throwing Knife Set	This doesn’t seem like the sort of thing a liberal peacenik would need for their Occupy Wall St activities, but this is in fact a vital component of the “V for Vendetta” outfit above. Plus, it’ll probably help you get arrested, which is the whole idea of occupying, right?
Bear Grylls Survival Series Parang	Okay, this isn’t The Congo, and we’re not shooting the movie Blood Diamond, so maybe this is overkill. They just had it listed in the “people who bought Ninja Knives also bought” recommendations, and having a machete is badass. And sounds so much more acceptable when you call it a “Parang“
Kidde Pro 210 Fire Extinguisher	My grandma always said “don’t be startin’ no fire and then puttin’ it out”. Of course she said this as she nudged the bottom of the bourbon bottle if I stopped pouring too soon, but the fact is that although you WANT to fan the flames of revolution, you don’t want to do it right inside your tent.
Pyle-Pro PMP30 Professional Megaphone/Bullhorn with Siren	If you had one of these IF YOU HAD ONE OF THESE you wouldn’t have YOU WOULDN’T HAVE to speak in short phrases TO SPEAK IN SHORT PHRASES using that human mic thing USING THAT HUMAN MIC THING. Also ALSO it would take half as long IT WOULD TAKE HALF AS LONG to say everything TO SAY EVERYTHING.
UTG Tactical Goggles	We’re not sure these serve any purpose other than making you look cool when you’re standing face to face with a cop in riot gear. I mean, if they want to pepper spray you in the eyes or something, they’ll just tase you or bop you with a riot club first to knock these off.
Police Magnum Pepper Spray Now Available in Mild, Medium, Hot, and new Cool Ranch	The year 2011 will probably be most remembered for pepper spray, thanks to the NYPD, UC Davis, and that crazy lady at Walmart. Join the fun with your OWN pepper spray arsenal. And it’s even “police grade”, whatever THAT means. Now available in Mild, Medium, Hot, and Cool Ranch.
Chaos CTR Adrenaline Balaclava	No popular revolt is complete without Balaclavas. Although generally appropriate attire for fascist police forces violating the privacy of average citizens as they throw America’s search and seizure laws out the window, they look just as stylish at the Occupy camp. Not to be confused with the Greek pastry that Greek austerity has made a rare treat in Greece itself.
Potassium Iodate Anti-Radiation Pills	Sooner or later, the US government is bound to resort to DOMESTIC false flag operations, and do something like planting a dirty bomb at an Occupy camp. Be prepared with some Potassium Iodate Anti-Radiation Pills.
Briefcase Solar Generator	No batteries? NO PROBLEM. Power that Bose sound system and iPod dock that was manufactured with the bleeding fingers of Asian children with this slim briefcase-shaped solar unit. Inspector Gadget trenchcoat not included.
The Virtue of Selfishness	A note to parents: sure, Ayn Rand died penniless and collecting government benefits under another name, but that makes this book no less valuable as one of the most effective propaganda pieces in your capitalist arsenal. Plus, they can burn it to keep warm if they like.
Global Protection Night Light Glow in the Dark Condoms	These are handy when the batteries run out and no-one feels like climbing on the bicycle generator to shed some light on things. And while it comes across as a caring gift, promoting safe sex, admit it. The last thing a capitalist parent wants is for these Occupiers to START BREEDING.

Source

What could be more fun than building bonfires while basking under the biggest full moon in decades, and the next day hittin’ the bhang, and splashing bright colors all over your friends in the sunshine? With American capitalism’s gift for commercializing just about any holiday – I mean, this is the country that turns Jesus into a fat guy in a red suit or a bunny, and Christian saints into babies with love darts or leprechauns swilling green beer – I’m AMAZED that no-one has brought the Indian festival of Holi into the mix. I must confess to my own utter ignorance until just yesterday; for years I had seen images on the web of Indian people partying in the street, doused in vivid color, and had no idea what they were doing. Well, now I know that it’s Holi, a celebration at the first full moon of Spring that also commemorates the survival of Prince Prahlada who, in defiance of his father’s wishes, worshiped Lord Vishnu, for which his father sent him to burn in a bonfire on his sister Holika’s lap. Or something like that. You can learn more on Wikipedia or one of the many sites devoted to the festival of Holi. Me, I’m calling Crayola and the makers of Super Soakers to get a licensing deal going. Might as well call a patent lawyer too, Holi is going to need some official Pantone Holi Colors™ as well.

By the way, if these are typical Pichkaris (spray guns for the colored paint) we’re gonna need a serious re-think for the American market:

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Sarah Palin would make one mother
of a founding father, don’tcha think?

It’s interesting that Presidents Day, in spite of indicating a plurality, only specifically acknowledges one president, i.e. George Washington. To add to the fun, please note that the Uniform Monday Holiday Act did not officially call Washington’s birthday “Presidents Day”, it just placed the official holiday between February 15 and 21, which means it never actually falls on his birthday! In spite of these easily researched facts, the holiday is often inaccurately described in the mainstream, multi-million dollar a year press as a combined celebration of Washington’s and Lincoln’s birthday, as in this AOL piece. But that’s okay. As George himself said: “If the freedom of speech is taken away then dumb and silent we may be led, like sheep to the slaughter”. And in this case AOL is only leading us dumb and silent to ignorance, not slaughter or anything. And ignorance is pretty hip these days. Especially when it comes to George Washington and the other founding fathers, who have sort of become the idealized heroes of the teabaggers and Sarah Palin. A phenomena that this USFCA piece observes is probably because they imagine that the founding fathers were “a composite of Atticus Finch, John the Baptist, and Ronald Reagan”. Let’s be clear though, Sarah isn’t partial to George or anything; much like newspapers and magazines, when it comes to founding fathers, she likes “all of ‘em”. Bill Maher gets a little harsher on this topic in the clip below. Enjoy, and Happy Presidents Day!

Careful, that Love Gun is loaded, ’cause even
Outkast knows that Every Day Is Valentine’s Day

Happy Valentine’s day everybody. Especially you angry guys that were spreading your anti-romance propaganda all over the comments on our recent piece Last Minute Valentine Gifts For Romance Impaired Misogynists. You probably need some lovin’ more than anybody. Some people feel that Valentine’s Day has become a hollow Hallmark holiday, commercialized into meaninglessness just like Christmas. Which is partly true; I mean, why else would we spend so much time putting together clever but opportunistic Amazon product linkfests like our suggestions for personalized Valentine’s gifts (because you know, nothing says “personalized” like setting up a slave labor manufacturing facility in China and mass producing cheap gifts with customized messages on them). Or Valentines Day & Love Is Like Christmas At The Mall & Jesus . Or Valentine’s Day 2009: Is That Love Gun Loaded? Because nothing says “I Love You” like a $40,000 watch. Or any of our other offbeat Valentine gift ideas . If you really loved us, you’d buy something through those darn product links. Because nothing says “I love you” like a monthly commission check, right? But this crass commercialization of Valentine’s day is only a small part of the fun. If you’ve got your undies in a bunch about the whole thing, you’re doing it wrong. Or wait. I guess that depends on where your undies are in a bunch, and how they got there. The thing is, any holiday can suck, if you try hard enough. You can let external forces make you miserable, pondering things like whether or not edible panties are too intimate a gift for a third date, or whether you got the great table at the right restaurant, or – like those angry men we referenced earlier – sitting around bitching about why SHE isn’t doing all the spending. As we pointed out last year in Love Me, Love My Dog, men outspend women almost two to one. But if you do these things, you’re missing the point, and missing the fun. If you strip Valentine’s Day down to its essential meaning, it’s about expressing LOVE. And there’s nothin’ wrong with love. So do yourself and everybody else a favor. Chill out, and spread a little. If you spent ten bucks on those cheap grade-school Valentine cards for everybody at the office instead of grudgingly buying someone a bunch of roses or a pricey dinner, you’d be surprised at how many more smiles you see today, and how much better you feel. Personally, I think Outkast has it right with the idea that EVERY day is Valentine’s Day, which is why I think I think I’ll give Happy Valentine’s Day a spin right now. Play it yourself with the vid below. Which – looked at one way – is a crappy fan video. Or looked at another way, a fan’s loving tribute to a song about love. So go ahead and spread some love today. It won’t hurt nobody. Oh, and if you’re stuck at a computer and really don’t like Outkast, someone went crazy and put together a playlist of 200 love songs on YouTube. That’s twelve hours of non-stop love!

12 hours of non-stop love songs:

There’s a tense homo-eroticism when Rudov is on Bill O’Reilly’s show, and we think we know why:

If – like many Americans – you’re ignorant of even the most basic aspects of other cultures, what better time to learn something about them than Chinese New Year? Especially since if things keep going the way they have been, there’s a good chance that you’ll be providing the cheap labor for their foreign manufacturing instead of the other way around, as you’re accustomed. To paraphrase Yakov Schmirnoff: “In capitalist China, cheap labor utilizes YOU“. So why not prepare to impress your future employer now? My first experience with Chinese New Year was kind of interesting; I once managed a Chinese restaurant for several years. Each year, about a month after the western new year, I created my own tradition by granting myself a kind of amnesty for my failed new year’s resolutions. This seemed totally acceptable at the time; as far as I could ascertain, even after working side by side with Chinese people every day for three years, all Chinese New Year meant was a nice bonus from the boss, eating a huge dinner, playing a lot more Mah Jong than usual, and maybe receiving a brightly-colored tin of Moon Cakes (not to be confused with Moon Pies, of course). Whenever I asked about the traditions of Chinese New Year and the whole “Year of the [Insert Animal]” thing, I got the same kind of answer you’d get from an American when you ask them about their holidays. A sort of muttering “well, I think maybe it’s because, um….” followed by a round of speculative discussion amongst a bunch of people who had no idea what they were talking about, with a stealthy transition back to the partying at hand. For some reason though, this year I couldn’t tolerate my own ignorance any more, and decided to do some research. You should pay attention here too. It’s always good to learn about other cultures, right? Even if it doesn’t promote global harmony and understanding, at least you end up knowing exactly why you fear or hate an entire race of people you’ve never met face to face. So first of all, you need to understand that the reason the date of Chinese New Year is never the same on the western calendar is that the Chinese calendar is Lunisolar, rather than Solar, like the western calendar. Which sounds technical, but it’s actually quite simple. The Chinese calendar has twelve months, just like ours, and every second or third year it has an intercalary month to make things work out. Wikipedia breaks it down for us: “The sun always passes the winter solstice during month 11. If there are 12 months between two successive occurrences of month 11, not counting either month 11, at least one of these 12 months must be a month during which the sun remains within the same zodiac sign throughout (no principal term or cusp occurs within it). If only one such month occurs, it is designated intercalary, but if two such months occur…..” OKAY, OKAY! Never mind that. All you need to do to know what Chinese year it is and when to celebrate the new year is look it up on the internets! For a little background though, you might find it interesting to read a little about the Chinese Zodiac, which explains why the year 4078 (2011 in the west) is the Year of the Rabbit, and what that really means. And if you really want to chase this down the rabbit hole, it happens to be the year of the Metal Rabbit, which according to Feng Shui investment experts is going to be volatile.