As a health precaution, a turkey chef should always wear the appropriate head gear as well.

Thanksgiving, as we all know, is a day of family, feasting, joy, celebration and thanks. Unless you’re a turkey, of course. I don’t know why we have it in so bad for flightless birds. Years ago, when KFC’s slogan was “We Do Chicken Right”, they opened a new location in San Francisco, and while the sidewalk cement was still wet, a friend of mine engraved it with “You done them chickens wrong“. Which kind of sums it up. Our national guilt about the annual turkey slaughter runs so deep that the president is obligated to pardon one each year. But that doesn’t stop us from turning them into lowfat cat food, deep-frying them, stuffing them with twinkies, or turning them into Teriyaki Jurkey . We’ve already shared a few ideas for alternative thanksgiving turkey recipes, but we think this time we’ve found some ideas that are even weirder.

Finally, you can have your cake and meat it too.	There’s turkey cake, and then there’s turkey cake. We mentioned the former previously, but that thing on the left transcends the milder horror of a turkey-shaped dessert. I’ve always joked that German cuisine is potatoes stuffed with meat wrapped in meat, served on a bed of potatoes with a side of meat, so I’m convinced that only a German could have dreamt this one up. Yes, the cake is meat. And the frosting is mashed potatoes. All we need to complete this is some bacon ice cream.
Guajolote Guacamole (Avocado Gelatin Turkey)	It was difficult to select an image from Danielle Spencer’s annual Turkey-shaped Jell-O® Mold Competition , with entries like Turkey Twinkie Pumpkin Pie, Matzoh Turkey, Hard-boiled-eggs Turkey, Kimchi Turkey, Chewing Gum Turkey, and a couple dozen others. So we just picked one of the more visually compelling ones, a turkey made of (vurp) avocado Jell-O. I personally think this might have been more effective with the red peppers suspended in the gelatin, but it’s inspiring nonetheless. Though I’m not sure what it’s inspiring. In any case, there are entries going back to 2005. Enjoy.
Turkey Bento	The idea of eating a big dead bird sure is a lot more more appealing when you make it look like a cartoon and stick it in a little box! Actually, I don’t think that turkey is made of turkey. Which makes it odd that they put some kind of un-named meat in the box with it. This is just one of many alternative turkey ideas over at Adventures in Bento. They even have a cute Pilgrim Bento .
Nutter Butter Candy Corn Cupake Turkeys	If you liked that turkey cake idea above, you’ll love this. We all know what a delicious and natural combination Nutter Butters, fruit roll-ups, vanilla wafers, and candy corn are. Especially on a cupcake, shaped like a turkey. I wonder if there’s some way to work Jell-O into this concept? Don’t like Nutter Butters, or don’t feel like baking cupcakes? There’s an easier Double Stuffed Oreo option.
Turtle Island Tofurky Jurky	I’m pretty sure that Turtle Island Tofurky Jurky is about as far as you can get from turkey and still reference it somehow. I think I just like the word “Jurky”.
Honorable Mention: Jiggly Wrap	I don’t think that’s actually supposed to be a turkey. I’m just so impressed with the artist’s ability to make Jell-O look like food wrap. This is an entry from the Jell-O Mold Competition at Gowanus Studio featured in this piece on Eat Me Daily.

Bonus Recipe: Swedish Chef & His Uncle (Danny Kaye) Prepare Thanksgiving Turkey

I don’t know if anyone really knows how turkey became the traditional Thanksgiving dinner meat in America. My guess is that it’s either because the bird presents such a large target when hunting, or it was revenge for all the humans that had been maimed in wild turkey attacks. Whatever the reason, we’re stuck with it. But if you’re looking for an alternative, you’re in luck. Thankfully, we’ve seen some turkey innovation in the last few years; we’ve all heard of the deep-fried turkey, and perhaps you’ve heard of Turducken. However, an impasse was reached a couple of years ago with that meat-stuffed-meat-stuffed-meat idea with the Bacon Turgooduccochiqua. The only way to go from there would be to put live Ortolan in the quail and stuff the whole thing in a goat, and that’s where I draw the line. So I thought we’d look into some new alternative Thanksgiving turkey recipes this year. We’ve rounded up a few below. Feel free to share any other weird turkey ideas we missed.

Beer Can Turkey	There are those who believe that everything you cook will benefit from a little beer. In my experience, this sort of person also has a gun rack in their dualie, and refers to most of their relatives with odd hyphenated constructions like “brother-daddy”. Although the beer can turkey may have been invented in this kind of environment, it requires a little engineering, so maybe there’s more validity to this method than is immediately apparent. After years of suffering through Thanksgiving dinners featuring stuffing that’s either too dry, or a slimy raw egg mess, you can’t go wrong here – the stuffing is made of metal.
Dr Pepper Turkey	When I was a kid, I loved Dr Pepper. Then, when I was in my teens, a science teacher let me smell a cyanide compound that smelled remarkably like the mysteriously popular soft drink. I could never really enjoy Dr Pepper after that, but then, I’ve never tried it as a baste for turkey, either. Maybe it would rekindle the love. Or maybe it would make me physically ill. I’ll never know. But don’t let that stop you from trying a Dr Pepper Turkey this year. It probably beats the beercan stuffing above.
Kalua Turkey	A Kahlua Turkey sounded kind of interesting. Then I realized it was KALUA turkey, and although I’ve enjoyed pork prepared with this traditional Hawaiian method, I’m just not motivated enough to dig a hole in the back yard and then cook Thanksgiving dinner. But if you go this route, maybe you could expand on the theme and serve Kimchi, or any other dishes you can think of that require a burial. Or cheat and use one of the oven methods, which rely on “liquid smoke”. Which to me sounds scarier than the hole in the ground method.
Vegan Turkey	To me the term “tofurkey” is almost – but not quite – as disturbing as the term “tofu tube steak”. I’m still trying to figure out who thought this was a good idea, and how they pitched it in the product development meeting: “Listen up everybody, I’ve got a great idea! Let’s take this food for people who hate meat, and shape it into…. a big piece of meat! ” To me this idea rates right up there with non-alcohol vodka. Or flightless birds. Which I guess is what started this whole thing, so maybe it works.
Turkey Cake	After the gut-busting, tryptohan and blood-sugar induced coma brought on by the consumption of a huge bird and waaaay too many carbs, what could be more appetizing for dessert than a huge shiny cake, loaded with more carbs and shaped like the huge bird you just ate? I think the only way you could improve on this would be to drizzle it with Dr Pepper and soak it in Kahlua. Or bury it in the hole left over from that Kalua turkey above.