I miss the good old days, when polite people had a silent agreement that there were certain things you just didn’t talk about except amongst close friends. The lists vary, but amongst the affluent, it was generally religion, income, and personal health. For hairdressers, it was religion and politics. For British friends of mine, the rule was no jokes about the Queen, the Pope, or Jesus. Well, ever since someone opened that whole can, I’ve given up and been gleefully pulling out more worms whenever I’m able, in the hope that the conversations will burn themselves up so we can get back to talking about fun stuff, like sports and movies and food and books. Or advanced lovemaking techniques. Or whatever. So prepare to be offended here. But a little preface, lest you think you have any insight into the details of my stance on various topics as a result of reading my capricious trolling. I love science, and I believe in a consciousness greater than the individual mind. And those frameworks are compatible in my world. But in spite of my confidence in science, I feel we should add it to the “off-limits” list, should we ever return to old-school conversational etiquette, because thanks to rabid creationists, a lot of atheist scientists were goaded outside their legitimate territory, and into trying to apply science to topics it knows nothing about. Like the origin of the universe. Or lots of other things that are more like philosophy than science. So. On with the trolling! First up: religion. I had a belly laugh yesterday when I read that the Pope said that religion was being marginalized around the world. Yes, Mr God’s Representative on Earth, it is. Maybe it would help if the cost of one of your papal robes weren’t equal to the GDP of many starving countries, or if you’d be a little more proactive about addressing that whole pedophile priest business. Apologies are nice, but many think that maybe you should look into your own church’s history for a more fitting punishment for your errant and perverted clerics. Because you really should have your terrestrial affairs in order before you start baptizing aliens, right? And Islam? Although I find myself defending you a lot lately, I’m not too fond of the bits where you stone people (this article blames the practice on the Torah), subjugate women in a nearly neanderthal fashion, and generally let your heavily paternal secular culture poison any hope of popular spiritual enlightenment. I hesitate to mention Judaism, because there’s danger of talking about Palestine, and to discuss this topic in certain circles will certainly lead down a really bad rabbit hole. Oops. I just did it. But did I leave anybody out? Of course I did, the “big three” are Christianity, Islam, and Hinduism. I’m too ignorant to talk about Hinduism, I only mentioned Judaism because in spite of comprising less than 1% of the world’s population, it gets a tremendous amount of press, and Buddhists not only by nature aren’t an organization, but their estimated number varies from 100 million to 1 billion, largely because political oppression in the countries that might be most Buddhist prevents accurate information gathering. So we don’t even know who the big three really are. I imagine if there were more oil where there are people of other faiths, we’d know all about them, so we could irrationally fear them. But there isn’t, so we don’t. So, on to science. I’ve been amused for a while about about the whole “Intelligent Design” debate. Somehow, modern people have taken one of the central mysteries of our existence – one that has little hope of being explained with absolute certainty with any system – and decided that one side or the other (i.e.: atheist scientists or religious creationists) has the answer. Which is why I’ve decided I’m a little at odds with both when it comes to the creation of the universe and evolution. I mean, face it. No one can say with certainty what was going on in the universe in early human history (say, ten thousand years ago), let alone FOURTEEN BILLION YEARS AGO. And all the fun and usefulness of Darwinian thought is shot to hell as soon as it becomes DOGMA. So for some real fun in these areas, one of my favorite points of view to toss into casual philosophical conversation is Geocentrism. Because in the anthropocentric universe in which we live, how could the Earth be anything BUT the center of the universe, right? Read some interesting (if a bit carelessly assembled) points of view here. One of my faves is the one in which astrophysicist George F. R. Ellis points out that science relies on philosophical criteria to select its models for astrophysics, which makes the arguments intrinsically undisprovable. Just ignore the vintage web design if you can. And Darwin? That’s like shootin’ fish in a barrel. Just start with the simple factual statement that IT’S ONLY A THEORY. That gives the creationists fodder, and puts the hardcore science types immediately on the defensive. If things get off to a slow start, just mention nuts who write stuff like The Origin of Specious Nonsense. My apologies in advance for that site if you visit it, but the guy’s material is excellent fodder. Just watch him talk about sperm for 5 minutes in the clip below if you have any doubts. So “what”, you may ask, “is the purpose of this trolling?” I find that in most social settings, this is the easiest way to ferret out the know-it-alls and extremists so I can have a good time with the normal people. Plus, it generates page views. Any suggestions of your own for trolling topics?

Listen to nutjob John J May talk about “tousands of sparm” for five minutes.

The Kindness Economy and The Economy of Kindness
©2009 Ian Gray

I need your help. I recently wrote about Five Effective Habits Of Highly Annoying People, which reminded me that for a long time I’ve wanted to develop a new guide to etiquette, one that uses a little humor to address manners and how new technologies have evolved with no courtesy guidelines to go with them. A typical example being cell phone manners. One of my favorite books of all time on the topic of etiquette is probably P.J. O’Rourke’s Modern Manners: An Etiquette Book for Rude People. With advice like “Guns are always the best method for private suicide. Drugs are too chancy. You might miscalculate the dosage and just have a good time” and “Never refuse wine. It is an odd but universally held opinion that anyone who doesn’t drink must be an alcoholic“, O’Rourke touched on a lot of issues of contemporary etiquette that weren’t being addressed anywhere else. Especially the “Taking Drugs” chapter, which includes this handy chart (also below) for proper social behavior under the influence of drugs. Although the book is still an hilarious read within certain circles, it has finally started to show its age; a lot of the humor is based on old money culture, and the typical nouveau riche bobo or fauxhemian just doesn’t have the class or sophistication to get it. So help me out. What are your biggest pet peeves about modern manners and courtesy, whether humorous or not?

I’d love to! But I’m just buried with these spreadsheets!

How many times a week does someone tell you how busy they are? I mean, you yourself are probably busy, right? Admit it. At least once in the last two weeks, when someone asked you if you want to have lunch or coffee, you’ve probably hesitated, and said something like “I’d love to, but I’m SO BUSY lately. Can I get back to you?” Well. Where the hell did you find time to read this crap I’m typing right now? I mean, I’M busy. I’m writing crap for YOU to read, so you can tell people you’re too busy to have coffee with them.

And what about the people telling you that THEY’RE too busy? Well, they’re lying. I caught them on Facebook. They really should ponder the fact that when they take a “What Kind Of Intestinal Microbe Am I?” quiz, it shows up on everybody’s newsfeed, even if their status says “Off Line”. I also saw them on their laptop at a cafe. They had a pile of papers sitting next to the laptop that they riffled through and occasionally made notes on. They had on a headset, and mumbled something every so often. I figured they were shuffling their stock folio around, making millions in the recent volatile markets. Curious, I walked up to say hi, and sneaked a look. They had two browser tabs open, one was Pandora.com, the other was lyricsmania.com. The “paperwork” was a coffee-stained stack of Sudoku puzzles, cell phone bills, and packing lists from Amazon.

2.) Cell Phone Manners

This guy is excused. Back when only 50 people worldwide had them, manners were irrelevant.

Or, thanks for getting a cell phone so I have TWO ways to not reach you. One of the things keeping people so busy is the exhausting task of not answering their cell phone. It takes a lot of time to pull the phone out of your pocket, see who’s calling, not answer, and call them back when you’re in a public place looking like your life is pointless because you’re not talking on your cell phone. Since the other person won’t pick up when you call them, and you don’t want to seem desparate by leaving a message, you’ll be forced to call your voicemail, only to find it was a five-minute “butt dial” message. Which is totally worth calling them back and leaving a message about.

So hey. I’m talking to you. So why the hell are you answering your goddamn cell phone? Just a minute ago you were happy to not answer it so you could seem cool. And for the record, it’s no cooler to leave it sitting on the table in vibrate mode while we have lunch. Not only do we both know your agent isn’t calling, I keep thinking there’s a dildo strapped to the table or that you just broke wind. Oh, and which do you think is more fun: 1.) Talking to you while you check out at the grocery store or 2.) Ringing up your shit and waiting for you fumbling to pay ’cause you’re on the phone?

3.) Talking About Reality Shows

Even Suppernanny’s telling you to shut up about it.

So. You live in this place called reality. What could possibly be more entertaining than making a TV show about it? Frankly, for me, that list wouldn’t include LISTENING TO YOU TALK ABOUT IT. Just get your own damn pompous, judgmental nanny, and see how fun that is. Then, make a reality show about what it’s like being on a reality show. Just don’t tell me about it. Okay?





4.) Finding Their Bliss

Yes. This is a product link. Will it make me rich?

If I have to listen to either one more seventh-generation rich person talking about how pursuing your dream is the key to wealth and happiness, or one more person sticking up for their lame-ass MBA spouse who’s holding out for the right position while they default on their mortgage, I’m going to explore my own personal bliss, which will be strangling them. Next time you ponder the concept of “do what you love, and the money will follow“, take a moment to ponder that “if you go to work, a PAYCHECK will follow“. The only thing sadder than millions of people hating their job because they’re not pursuing their dream, is the fact that a select few are getting rich telling them to pursue their dream.



5.) Talking About Food

That’s really cute. I know about a million people who’d have been very happy to EAT it.

C’mon. Half the planet is starving, and all you want to talk about is the organic, hand fed Emu meat you picked up at Whole Foods today? I mean, it’s really awesome that you’re carefully selecting your menu for this evening, but do you maybe have anything else to talk about today? Like how many people die starving every day while you talk about being too fat? I’ll give you a clue: someone dies of starvation every 5 seconds. I’ll assume you read at a normal speed. That means they just died while reading this paragraph. You see, if you would shut up about the food already, I wouldn’t waste the time writing this, and you wouldn’t have to take the time to read it. See? It’s all your fault.