As you struggle with the rude and poverty-stricken masses at Wal-Mart, using the new credit card you won’t be able to pay off to buy your kids enough presents that they won’t confuse your life with the one the Cratchits are living in the Disney 3D movie they’re watching (in 2D) with no sitter while you shop, you’ll be glad to know that Wall Street bankers and DC politicians will have their own struggles. Like the annoying peon staff they have to endure when they buy their kids $15,000 gingerbread houses at Neiman Marcus or life-size stuffed ponies at FAO Schwarz. Below are just a few of the gifts bailed out bankers will be buying their kids with your tax dollars. (By the way, if you think we’re rushing this whole Christmas thing, maybe you should check out our weird and alternative thanksgiving ideas.

Burberry Quilted Diaper Bag $1,095.00	When you’re a Wall Street billionaire, your kid shits gold bricks, so nothing less than Burberry will suffice for toting around your precious little one’s latest “accident”. Bonus: it’s imported, so you can rest assured that it was made by starving children overseas, not those assholes that are always tapping on your limo windows trying to make a buck by washing them.
BUGABOO RED Complete Cameleon Stroller $1,029.00	The description says “The BUGABOO RED Cameleon is a multi-terrain, infant-to-toddler stroller that features a reversible and height-adjustable handlebar and swivel wheel suspension, allowing for easy navigation and maximum comfort for parent and child“. Like anyone’s gonna be pushing this thing around besides the help. Part of the high price presumably covers the production work for the included instructional DVD.
Burberry Medium Check Backpack, Dusty Blossom $295.00	It’s amazing that a kid’s backpack that costs this much could also be so ugly. They must have done this to minimize the chances of  the kid getting mugged on the way to the butler’s car. They really should’ve made it out of Kevlar though. Any kid carrying this is more likely to get shot just for being the pompous brat they inevitably are.
Hansa Buffalo – Life Size $2499.99	This life sized (six feet tall) Buffalo comes with a teaching tag which describes the animal’s habitat, lifestyle, care of young and eating habits. Presumably to help rich little climate change deniers know what animals were like, because they’ll all be extinct by the time they’re grownups. Partly thanks to that Burberry diaper bag above. Will support riders up to 150 lbs, which unfortunately excludes most of the fat little brats who would actually want it.
Hansa Husky Dog – Life Size $389.99	The great thing about a gift like this is that it helps the kid to avoid building emotional bonds in preparation for things like “trophy wives” and “getting your MRS” at Swarthmore or wherever. Husky Dog comes with HANSA’s “Toys that Teach” tag so you can learn about its life in the wilds of the Arctic. Which of course (like the buffalo above) won’t exist by the time the kid’s a grownup.
FAO Schwarz 54 inch Jumbo Two Tone Bear $799.99	The description says “A huggable new buddy is ready to be your friend!” Which is good, because you won’t have any others. Someone should think about hiring the homeless for this job. The kid’ll be tired of this thing in a week or two, and 800 bucks would feed a homeless guy for like, 60 days, even factoring in the half-pints of booze.
Hansa Black Beauty – Life Size $877.99 ($790.00 on Amazon)	So, you want a pony? I got yer freakin’ pony right here. Except it’s not a cute little pony, it’s a goddamn “horse replica”. I thought rich people rode REAL horses.
Snow White’s Cottage Playhouse – $5999.00	The perfect place for your precious princess to hitch her $900 stuffed horse. Until her jerkoff brother pulls up in his Mini-Hummer (below) to bust up the tea party. No word on whether the price includes servants; I’d check the fine print and also get an appraiser in on things too. This thing will probably depreciate rapidly in today’s real estate market.
Polaris Ranger RZR Sport – $699.99	It’s amazing how the kid in the picture already has that “my dad could buy your dad” smug bastard look at such a young age. The only drawback with this mini SUV is that it uses no petroleum products, except in the plastic body parts. Make sure to buy your kid a noisy, oil-burning dirt bike as an adjunct to this gift, lest he starts finding the idea of a Prius appealing before he even has a license.
Ferrari FXX Exclusive Pedal Go-kart from Berg Toys – $2,564.05	If you’re gonna throw down so much money for this kind of thing, you might as well get something with a more prestigious brand attached to it. Besides, this Ferrari-branded go cart has double disc-brakes, a dashboard computer, and a 5-Year Performance Guarantee.
InStep Pink Lady Pedal Car $105.00	Might as well face the facts though. At best your kid’s getting one of these. With some practice they could probably pull off a hit and run and snag the Burberry backpack from the rich kid though. It would be a nice match.
Striker Pro Soccer Simulator $15,509.95	Given the ostracized precious snowflake existence your little brat is going to live, at least let them get some exercise once in a while without getting their ass kicked by regular kids. This Soccer Simulator has the added benefit of tuning your kid into an international sport and attitude, further assuring they won’t get distracted by lowbrow pursuits like baseball and football.
Tractor Time Crane $3,125.00	This is the perfect gift for a budding young entrpeneur to be. He can fill it with all the crap gifts he swiped from his folks’ PR-driven gift drive at the corporation they own, and laugh while his middle class friends spend all their money trying to get a normal sized teddy bear.