It all begins around the first of November, when you’re at the market staring at piles of deeply discounted mini chocolate bars left over from Halloween, and suddenly, like some sonic message from the dark side, “Santa Claus Is Comin’ To Town” pokes through the ambient shopping noise. By mid-December, you’ve probably subliminally absorbed so many Christmas songs that you find yourself spontaneously whistling “Walkin’ In A Winter Wonderland” while making love. So it’s natural that so many people groan at the idea of listening to Christmas music on purpose. Which is a shame, because thanks to the thousands of crassly opportunistic attempts to cash in on the Christmas spirit, there are literally thousands of tunes to choose from, in every genre, from several decades. We’ve previously tried to cover all the bases; over the past couple of years we Jewished you a merry Christmas with Oye To The World, suggested some Santastic mashups with Generation Xmas, and with Generation Triple X-Mas we got on Santa’s naughty list. So this year, we thought we’d try to get back on the “nice” list with some actually sane Christmas music ideas, and a few oddities thrown in for fun. If you’ve ever gone searching on the web for some new holiday music ideas, you may have had that Wikiphilia-like experience of suddenly realizing you just wasted three hours of your life mindlessly YouTubing weird Christmas tunes like we did. So we have to give considerable thanks to MistleTunes, Falalalala.com, and Check The Cool Wax for their passion and devotion to compiling and organizing thousands of offbeat and obscure holiday songs. They bring a lot of the spirit back to what should be one of the best parts of the holidays. The music! Hope you enjoy, and feel free to share your own playlist ideas.

Multi-Generational

First up, if you put these three collections on shuffle, you can pretty much relax and enjoy your company for a couple of hours. This combination pacifies several generations at once: The old geezers, the jazz & crooner snobs, and the almost-thirty hipsters who still think listening to the rat pack makes you cool. It’s also good to expose the even younger crowd to this stuff; by the time they’re fifty this will literally be classical music from a century long gone. Christmas Belles is awesome because almost all the ladies singing on it are instantly recognizable with just last names : Garland, Fitzgerald, Horne, Clooney, Vaughan, Kitt. Great stuff that puts Davis, Sinatra, and Martin in their place.

Lifetime Intimate Portraits: Christmas Belles	Christmas With The Rat Pack	A Merry Christmas With Bing Crosby & The Andrews Sisters

Christmas Contemporary 2009

This is a personal mix of mine from last year. It’s a little less broad in appeal, but I think I did a pretty good job of moving through some moods on a single CD-length mix. The inclusion of Paul McCartney’s nauseating “Wonderful Christmastime” seemed the only way to break up the genuineness of the John Lennon so things could move on to the syrup of “Father Christmas”. All the tunes are available on Amazon for $0.99USD, except the two mashups which you can download for FREE. Little preview widgets below too:

01 Brenda Lee – Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree 02 Beach Boys – Little Saint Nick 03 Bobby Helms – Jingle Bell Rock 04 Temptations – Little Drummer Boy 05 Ray Charles – Christmas Time 06 Ventures – Jingle Bells 07 John & Yoko – Happy Christmas 08 Paul McCartney – Wonderful Christmastime 09 Greg Lake – I Believe In Father Christmas 10 Vince Guaraldi Trio – Christmas Time Is Here 11 Tom Jones With Cerys From Catatonia – Baby It’s Cold Outside 12 Jackson Five – Santa Claus Is Coming To Town 13 Waitresses – Christmas Wrapping 14 A plus D – Give Da Jew Girl Toys (Direct MP3 Link) 15 Lenlow ¿Dónde Está Santa Claus (Direct MP3 Link)

A plus D – Give Da Jew Girl Toys Lenlow – ¿Dónde Está Santa Claus

Okay, call me a sap, but Hurts’ All I Want For Christmas Is New Year’s Day got me all weepy and sentimental, maybe because I’m so good at having crappy Christmases. Some people just want it all to be over with as soon as possible.

But not Julian Casablancas, who wishes it were Christmas every day

It’s The Little Things- Voicedude

The miraculous marriage of Trans Siberian Orchestra’s Christmas Canon and Blink 182′s All The Small Things, ordained with some classic Christmas film clips.

Pee Wee’s Sleigh House

Pee Wee Herman always brings a special magic to the holidays, especially when he wishes you “Feliz Blah Blah Blah” with Charo or Grace Jones pops out of his package.

Grace Jones – Little Drummer Boy

Charo – Feliz Navidad

	New York oldies station WCBS FM 101.1 put together The Ultimate Christmas Album in 1994. And again in 1995, 1996, and so on. In spite of their apparent failure to understand the meaning of “ultimate”, we still benefit, because these are in fact pretty decent Christmas oldies collections, and even if you’re not thrilled with each complete compilation they’re still great starting points for your own playlist.
WCBS FM Ultimate Christmas Album Volume 1	WCBS FM Ultimate Christmas Album Volume II
1. Rockin’ Around The Christmas Tree – Brenda Lee2. Jingle Bell Rock – Bobby Helms 3. What Christmas Means To Me – Stevie Wonder 4. You’re My Christmas Present – Jimmy Beaumont & The Skyliners 5. White Christmas – The Drifters 6. Merry Merry Christmas Baby – Margo Sylvia & The Tune Weavers 7. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus – Jimmy Boyd 8. Baby’s First Christmas – Connie Francis 9. Silver Bells – Diana Ross & The Supremes 10. It’s Christmas Once Again – Frankie Lymon 11. Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer – Gene Autry 12. Run Rudolph Run – Chuck Berry 13. Please Come Home For Christmas – Dion 14. The Chipmunk Song ( Christmas Don’t Be Late ) – Alvin & the Chipmunks 15. This Time Of The Year – Brook Benton 16. Christmas Ain’t Christmas (Without The One You Love) – The O’Jays 17. The Little Drummer Boy – Harry Simeone Chorale 18. I’ll Be Home For Christmas – Fats Domino 19. Santa Claus Is Coming To Town – The Four Seasons 20. This Christmas – Donny Hathaway 21. Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer – The Cadillacs 22. Christmas Serenade – Johnny Maestro & The Brooklyn Bridge 23. Silent Night – The Temptations 24. Christmas Auld Lang Syne – Bobby Darin 25. Another Lonely New Year’s Eve – Jimmy Beaumont & The Skyliners	1. Little Saint Nick – The Beach Boys2. White Christmas – Diana Ross & The Supremes 3. Here Comes Santa Claus – Gene Autry 4. Sleigh Ride – Johnny Mathis 5. Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer – Elmo & Patsy 6. A Christmas Long Ago (Jingle Jingle) – THE ECHELONS 7. Merry Christmas Darling – The Carpenters 8. Donde Esta Santa Claus – AUGIE RIOS 9. Merry Christmas Baby – Dion 10. Give Love On Christmas Day – The Jackson Five 11. Holly Jolly Christmas – Burl Ives 12. Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas – Johnny Maestro & The Brooklyn Bridge 13. Frosty The Snowman – The Beach Boys 14. Nuttin’ For Christmas – Barry Gordon 15. The Christmas Song – The Duprees 16. Pretty Paper – Roy Orbison 17. It’s Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas – Bing Crosby 18. Merry Christmas All – Denise Montana & The Salsoul Orch 19. Dominick The Donkey – Lou Monte 20. Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer – THE MELODEERS 21. Someday At Christmas – Stevie Wonder 22. It’s The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year – Andy Williams 23. Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow! – Dean Martin 24. Happy New Year Baby – JO ANN CAMPBELL 25. After New Year’s Eve – The Heartbeats
WCBS FM Ultimate Christmas Album Volume III	WCBS FM Ultimate Christmas Album Volume IV
1. The Christmas Song – Nat King Cole2. All Alone On Christmas – Darlene Love 3. I’ll Be Home For Christmas – Larry Chance & The Earls 4. Santa Claus Is Coming To Town – Bobby Vinton 5. Jingle Bells – THE SINGING DOGS 6. Twinkle Twinkle Little Me – The Supremes 7. Winter Wonderland – Johnny Mathis 8. Sleigh Ride – The Ventures 9. Home For The Holidays – Perry Como 10. Christmas Vacation – Mavis Staples 11. The Bell That Couldn’t Jingle – Burt Bacharach 12. Feliz Navidad – Jose Feliciano 13. O Holy Night – Lou Christie/University Of Pittsburgh’s Men’s Glee Club 14. White Christmas – Bing Crosby 15. It’s Christmas Everywhere – Paul Anka 16. Chrissy The Christmas Mouse – Donald O’Connor/Debbie Reynolds 17. Rockin’ Around The Christmas Tree – Dion 18. Happy Holidays – Andy Williams 19. Amen – The Impressions 20. We Need A Little Christmas – Percy Faith 21. Santa Baby – Eartha Kitt 22. All I Want For Christmas Is You – Larry Chance/Johnny Maestro/Bobby Jay/Joel Katz 23. All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth – Spike Jones 24. Christmas Time – Ray Charles 25. The Night Before Christmas – Fred Waring	1. Blue Christmas – Elvis Presley2. The Man With All The Toys – The Beach Boys 3. Merry Christmas Baby – Otis Redding 4. Peace On Earth/Little Drummer Boy – David Bowie And Bing Crosby 5. Christmas Is – Johnny Maestro & The Brooklyn Bridge 6. Twistin’ Bells – Santo & Johnny 7. Merry, Merry Christmas Baby – Dodie Stevens 8. The Twelve Days Of Christmas – Ray Conniff 9. White Christmas – Patti LaBelle & The Bluebelles 10. If It Doesn’t Snow On Christmas Day – Gene Autry 11. Santa Claus Is Comin’ To Town – Brenda Lee 12. A Baby Just Like You – John Denver 13. Gee Whiz, It’s Christmas – Carla Thomas 14. Christmas Eve In My Home Town – Bobby Vinton 15. You’re All I Want For Christmas – Brook Benton 16. Sleigh Ride – Leroy Anderson 17. Winter Wonderland – The Platters 18. What Can I Give You This Christmas – The Lettermen 19. Jingle Bell Rock – Larry Chance & The Earls 20. It’s Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas – Perry Como 21. O Holy Night – Johnny Maestro & The Brooklyn Bridge 22. Christmas Is – Percy Faith 23. Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas – Lou Rawls 24. Silent Night – Frankie Lymon 25. Christmas Dragnet – Stan Freberg
WCBS FM Ultimate Christmas Album Volume V	WCBS FM Ultimate Christmas Album Volume VI
1. Wonderful Christmas – Paul McCartney & Wings2. Little Drummer Boy – The Tokens 3. Silver Bells – Elvis Presley 4. Santa Claus Is Coming To Town – Pointer Sisters 5. Christmas Time Is Here (Vocal Version) – The Vince Guaraldi Trio 6. The Christmas Song (Merry Christmas To You) – Johnny Mathis 7. Jingle Bell Rock – Hall & Oates 8. Blue Holiday – The Shirelles 9. Sleigh Ride – Andy Williams 10. A Christmas Love Song – The Manhattan Transfer 11. Mary’s Boy Child – Harry Belafonte 12. Christmas Wrapping – The Waitresses 13. There Is No Christmas Like A Home Christmas – Perry Como 14. I’ll Be Home For Christmas – The Beach Boys 15. Christmas Delight – The Four Tops 16. Deck The Hall – Nat King Cole 17. If Every Day Was Like Christmas – Elvis Presley 18. Silver Bells – Bing Crosby 19. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus – The Jackson 5 20. White Christmas – The Temptations 21. A Marshmallow World – Dean Martin 22. Silent Night – Gladys Knight & The Pips 23. Santa Claus Is Watching You – Ray Stevens 24. What Are You Doing New Year’s Eve? – The Orioles 25. It’s Just Another New Year’s Eve (Live) – Barry Manilow	1. Last Christmas – Wham2. Santa Claus Is Coming To Town – The Beach Boys 3. Winter Wonderland – Aretha Franklin 4. White Christmas – Tony Bennett 5. Frosty The Snowman – The Jackson Five 6. Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow! – Andy Williams 7. Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas – The O’Jays 8. Hark! The Herald Angels Sing – America 9. The Christmas Song – Barry Manilow 10. The Children’s Christmas Song – Diana Ross And The Supremes 11. I’ll Be Home For Christmas – Johnny Mathis 12. Doo Wop Christmas – Kenny Vance And The Planotones 13. The Christmas Waltz – Doris Day 14. I Believe In Father Christmas – Greg Lake 15. A Night To Remember – Engelbert Humperdinck 16. It Came Upon A Midnight Clear – Tony Orlando 17. Happy Holiday/The Holiday Season – The Manhattan Transfer 18. Kissin’ By The Mistletoe – Aretha Franklin 19. Silver Bells – Any Williams 20. Frosty The Snowman – Jimmy Durante 21. White Christmas – Connie Francis 22. Come On A Sleigh Ride With Me… – Brian Hyland 23. Santa Claus Is Coming To Town – Perry Como 24. Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas – Linda Ronstadt 25. May You Always – Harry Harrison

You have to dig pretty deep to dig up weirder Christmas music ideas than we did over the last couple of years with Generation Triple Xmas – Holiday Songs For Millennials, last holiday season’s Oye To The World, our tribute to the non-Christian menorah-ty , and our mashup roundup of 2008, Generation X-Mas, but this year we’re digging deeper. Or lower, as the case may be. Yeah, yeah. Christmas is a time of joy and celebration, blah blah blah. Face it. For much of the world, Christmas is only a few days after the longest night of the year, and unless you live in southern climes, there’s a good chance it’s cold and dreary during those few hours of daylight that do exist. No wonder we string lights all over the place, eat ourselves into oblivion, and try to cheer each other up with presents wrapped in shiny paper. So this year, why not just roll with it, and ball your eyes out with some awesomely depressing Christmas music. We’ve rounded up a few tunes below to help bring you down, but got so depressed in the process that we couldn’t go on. Feel free to share some suggestions. We’ll post them in a followup, that is, if we can read your comments through the tears that are freezing our eyes shut

We’ll ease you in gently. Low’s Just Like Christmas teases you with glimmers of hope as it meanders through the melancholy and minor chords. From the album inspiringly called Christmas

Somehow Roy Orbison songs are even more depressing when you watch him sing them. Here’s Roy wrapping the holidays in blue with Pretty Paper from 1963.

Sometimes it’s a bunch of snow that gets dumped around Christmas time. Sometimes it’s you. Joni Mitchell’s River is the perfect song for when the only gift you got for Christmas was your freedom.

If you think of John Lennon’s Happy Xmas (War Is Over) as a cheerful song of hope, don’t watch this slightly graphic fan-generated video.

Only Sufjan Stevens could make “Riding a sled down the hillside, hillside” sound like an integral part of The Worst Christmas Ever

However you’re feeling, it could always be worse. Because as Harvey Danger points out, Sometimes You Have to Work on Christmas

I couldn’t help noticing this year that we seem to have killed Santa once and for all. As a generation raised by the miscreants we call baby boomers come of age, and millennials become the new target consumer demographic, the spirit of poor Santa is doing its final death dance in the brutal daylight of rationality and cynical realism. Always on the lookout for an audience to pander to, we’ve therefore rounded up the naughtiest, bitterest, and most disturbing Christmas music and videos we could find. First of all, to highlight the generational difference we’re referring to, check out the two clips below. The first is the sentimental and totally out-of-touch-with-reality 80′s song “Do They Know It’s Christmas”. To address two of the burning issues in the song: 1.) No, they don’t fucking know it’s Christmas, most of them aren’t Christian, and it’s Africa, for cryin’ out loud, and 2.) No, you’re right. There won’t be snow in Africa this Christmas, except of course in places like Mount Kilimanjaro. Duh. Anyway, enjoy the bad hair and slightly bloated rockers:

Now, check out the 21st century version by Fucked Up. It’s also a benefit recording, but with a more practical focus than “Let’s Bring Christmas To Africa”. It’s to benefit some Canadian NGO’s, specifically Justice for Missing and Murdered Indigenous Women (Montreal), DTES Power of Women Group (Vancouver) and Sisters in Spirit (Ottawa). Also note that not only did they not waste a bunch of money on a video, they don’t appear to have flown in a bunch of glammed up narcissistic British pop stars and catered to their party needs, either. Learn more here. Apparently you can buy the song on iTunes.

Speaking of bloated 80′s pop stars and holiday music, you probably know by now that Billy Idol did a Christmas album, but have you seen any of the videos? The main reason he doesn’t look like a bloated British pop star in the video is that I’m pretty sure – based both on his appearance and his performance – that he’s either an animatronic device or has had so many facelifts that he can no longer move his face without splitting some skin. Creepy.

Getting away from the creepy 80′s, but not too far away, we have Gunther’s “Do You Want My Père Noel”. Merry Christmas, Merry KissMyAss indeed. I think Gunther was thinking more of Le Père Fouettard than Père Noel when he wrote this….

Keeping in the spirit of XXXmas carols, we have the now-classic “Fist Me This Christmas”, by the Wet Spots:

In a slightly cheerier vein, we have the happy-go-lucky “Santa’s Laughter Mocks The Poor” by the Attery Squash:

And the obligatory “Merry F&*#ing Christmas” by Mr. Garrison from South Park’s Mr. Hankey’s Christmas Classics:

And while its destruction of the holiday spirit is obviously unintentional, for sheer holiday horror, you probably can’t top a heartfelt Hawaiian “quiver singing” version of “Silent Night”. Watching this will make you wish it were. A silent night, that is:

And to wrap up all the bitterness, humor, and cynicism, we have a special Christmas message from Beardyman: