A couple of years ago, a Russian friend of mine asked me if I wanted to make some money. Since he said “vould you like to make some money” instead of “I have a job you might be eenterested een“, I raised an eyebrow. He said ” I know vaht you are theenking. There eez no-thing eelegal eenvolved“. He explained that all we had to do was travel around the country going to small retailers that stocked cell phones and offer to buy their entire inventories for cash at very low prices. I suddenly realized why I was a hot prospect; imagine a Russian guy walking into a gadget shop in WTF, California or someplace, and saying “I vant to buy all zee cellphones you have for cash“. A few months later, a different Russian friend asked me the same original question, only in this case, the “opportunity” involved getting a free cell phone and envelopes of cash to buy large numbers of tickets to concerts and sporting events. I said I’d take the job if he could get me a date with t.A.T.u., and he laughed. Whenever someone says “there eez no-thing eelegal eenvolved” when telling you about a great new opportunity, the assumption of course is that “something eleegal eez eenvolved“. Although I knew that in both cases my friends were operating at a relatively safe level, somewhere a little further up the chain was some guy named Boris the Blade. Which didn’t scare me; the real issue was that I have a strict policy of not entering gang organizations at the thug level. With hindsight, I’m happy with my decision. I probably would’ve had to work with these guys. Which on further reflection, might be better than joining the Scissor Gang Mafia.

Which gangsta wannabe do you find scarier, the Russian:

..or the American?

If you’re already a member of the Scissor Gang Mafia, here are some gang signs to avoid if you don’t want to get randomly gunned down because of your MySpace profile pic:

This was article brought to you by Kremlin Fried Chicken

UPDATE: We uploaded this image to Cafe Press as a bumper sticker, and they blocked its usage for products within thirty minutes. You can still get the WTF, California mug while we set up an account with another service. And on a related note, did you know there really IS a WTF, California?

Feel free to share this image as long as you properly attribute the origin:

Note to self: if you ever go into politics, remember the law of unintended consequences. I recently received an e-mail from the ACLU in which Executive Director Anthony D. Romero shared the sad story of the results of his outing himself with his parents. He then went on to explain why I should be concerned about California’s Proposition 8, and the rights of gay people to get married in general. I was surprised (as I found myself seriously pondering this topic in-depth for the first time) what my more complicated thoughts on the subject really are. First, I want to say that I ADAMANTLY believe in an individual’s right to have whatever kind of relationship they like with whatever gender or species they desire, so long as both are consenting and in agreement. And although none of my friends do the interspecies thing, easily half of my friends are gay, be they men or women (and half of them will want to kill me when we get around to discussing this). What Romero’s plea highlighted for me is that I don’t think I really care if the government sanctions gay marriage, because, once I really pondered my feelings on the topic, I realized I also don’t think people should get tax breaks for being married in the first place, and I don’t think the government has any place putting their stamp of approval on such agreements. For one, what if your spiritual beliefs preclude seeking government sanction? Must you live the same life as another “married” person and not receive tax and other societal benefits? And almost as important: was this concept of tax breaks for the married not simply a way for the government to endorse a lifestyle choice in the first place? Sorry Anthony, you actually helped turn a moderate liberal slightly against your cause with one e-mail. And now, in fact, I’m a little angry that the focus on this topic (which I think falls a little lower on the “issues list”, given the state of education, health care, employment, and the impact of war) has made it a cakewalk for Republican strategists to turn “values voters” into rabid neo-cons on a single topic that isn’t even officially part of the party platform.