This guy has the right idea. Take the money and ruuuuuuuuuuun!

Unless you’ve been hiding under a rock lately, or unless your mom took away your internet connection because she caught you looking at amateur furry porn, you’ve probably heard about KickStarter.com. And if this goes the way of most other social media trends, within six months, you will have a failed one. A failed “Kickstarter”, that is. It’s apparently already a noun, as in “Got a really stupid idea that no-one in their right mind would fund? Why don’t you just start a Kickstarter?” Having that achievement behind you will fit nicely with that blog you never post on, that tumblr that no-one reads but has been “tumbled” 37 times, and that Twitter feed that has seven followers. But seriously. Is it just me, or have all our friends lost their minds? None of us are any less broke-ass than we were yesterday, but today, damn near every one of my Facebook friends either has a Kickstarter campaign or is pumping their friend’s like it’s a goddamn “Feed The Children” campaign. Aside from the simple math involved, which immediately makes it evident that if we all give each other twenty five dollars, we may have well have just kept it in the first place, Kickstarter does two other terrible things that will probably contribute in a significant way to the demise of modern capitalism. First, much like a kindergarten teacher or senior citizen’s crafts group, it encourages us all to believe we have something brilliant to create and share. We’ve seen the tragic impact on literature due to the availability of self-publishing; imagine if everyone in the world could create their pet PRODUCT too. And this is all sadly enabled by allowing people who have absolutely zero money or investment savvy to fund everything in five dollar increments! It’s a thing that’s actually otherwise quite difficult to engineer in life; it’s a LOSE-LOSE SITUATION.

So knowing all this, I thought I’d run a clever piece about alternatives to Kickstarter. But I didn’t actually have any ideas, so what did I do? I headed over to ShtickStarter.com of course. That’s the hot new humor crowdsourcing site for people like me that don’t have any joke ideas of their own. So if you don’t see the humor in all this, BLAME THE CROWD. I had absolutely no hand in writing this piece. Here’s what the “wisdom of the crowd” came up with. Because as the old saying goes, NONE of us are as dumb as ALL of us”.

Lemonade Stand

The trick here is in the margins. All those stupid kids with their five and ten cent lemonades?  HOW DUMB. They probably barely break even! Charge $1,000 per lemonade, and you can raise that fifty grand in NO TIME. Why didn’t you think of this yourself? Oh. Right. You don’t have any ideas of your own, I forgot. Just don’t do other stupid things that kids do, like that kid in Portland that got busted for not pulling the proper permits. This is the REAL reason they abolished child labor. KIDS ARE TOO DUMB TO JOIN THE WORKFORCE.

Get a Goddamn Job

Oh. I forgot that not only is real unemployment still around 20% in much of America, you’re probably from one of the three laziest generations since the one that discovered marijuana and campfires.

Indiegogo

You may think we’re getting serious here for a moment, but we’re not. People who use Indiegogo instead of Kickstarter are like people who use Vimeo instead of YouTube, or Bing instead of Google. There may actually be some sound rationale behind their choice, but no one cares what it is, and the results are the same or inferior in the end.

Bake Sale

Only this time, use your head and make HASH BROWNIES, and charge like, a hundred bucks each. I guarantee the whole process will be a lot more fun for everyone involved, and not only will your supporters come back to “donate” more, in the end, they’ll be so stoned they won’t actually care what you do with the money. As with the lemonade stand, make sure to check local, state, and federal guidelines though. You’re also going to need a cookbook. Don’t think so? Obviously you’ve never made pot brownies. The only reason we forget how badly they always turn out is because of how stoned we get. If you’re too cheap to buy a copy of Stoners Delight, you can snag How To Make Marijuana Brownies for just $2.99.

Garage Sale

Right. You’re the broke-ass that can’t even come up with two grand to make your new CD. What in the name of God could you possibly have worth selling? I mean, aside from your gaming PC, and we KNOW you’re not parting with that. Another possible negative side effect of a yard sale is that people may just mistake your house for white trash. Oh, and you’ll need some signs. They’re only $6.99. Do you want us to donate for THOSE TOO?

Rob A Bank

Again, you’ll want to check local and state guidelines regarding the legality, but for the cost of a few ex-presidents masks, you may be able to secure enough funds to retire altogether, which presumably was the goal behind your brilliant venture anyway. C’mon. Banks do nothing but rob US, why shouldn’t we return the favor? Be sure to pick up a copy of the movie Point Blank for pointers. Guns and ammunition extra.