Check out those implants. No, not THOSE implants, the ones in her cheeks and shoulders.

I was really looking forward to Lady Gaga’s new video for the song Born This Way. And then, well, I saw it. I guess it’s pretty hard to follow up videos featuring your crucifix-clad vagina and jail time with Beyoncé. After a while, even sparkly unicorns in triangles, skullface dancers, uterine galaxies, and zippered nipples don’t have the impact they once did. On the bright side, we have a new word. “Zipple”. Say it. It’s fun. Zipple! But does this sound like criticism? It’s really not. It’s just mild disappointment. When an artist has millions of dollars to spend, and nearly unlimited resources at their disposal, you just expect more. Sort of like the movie Avatar. Come to think of it, Lady Gaga does look kind of like a Na’vi with those cheekbone implants in the video. Anyway, we said we had some alternatives to the new Lady Gaga video, and we do. If you’re looking for videos with cool music and skullfaced dancers, look no further than this dubstep-driven dance clip (also below) by French dance crew La Preuve par 4. Even Lady GaGa’s font of inspiration Madonna was willing to acknowledge her debt to dance moves from the club and the street, so why not go closer to the source? The music is more interesting, the moves are more compelling, and the whole thing costs us all a lot less. More vids below.

This is the La Preuve par 4 clip mentioned above. This rough handheld version frankly works better than the slick one by YAK FILMS (more on YAK below). This style of performance is meant to be viewed from the front, and in its entirety. It doesn’t really benefit from multiple angles and edits. This group is AMAZING. And the music is a trip. Someone please fill me in if you know who the artists are.

We weren’t harshing on YAK’s mellow by the way. They do some awesome stuff. You may already be familiar with TURF FEINZ “RIP Rich D” from when it made the rounds a few months ago:

But you may not have seen their work with “Les Twins” and others. Check out “Phone Home”:

Even in the world of street-influenced dance styles, there’s a mainstream. Check out RAF Crew from the 2009 World Hip Hop dance competition:

And by the way. We think Lady Gaga may have been borrowing a bit from Die Antwoord. Check out “Evil Boy”. Yo-Landi Vi$$er has much nicer zipples. Or whatever you call it when someone has eyes for nipples. We really need some new terminology here.

ZIPPLES!

Want to learn to dance like this? Maybe you should start with something simple, like the Hammer Dance or the Booty Shake by picking up a copy of the Learn To Groove DVD. Or maybe not:

How to do the MC HAMMER DANCE

How to do the BOOTY SHAKE

Even if the backa you looks like the fronta me.

C’mown now. If this dude can’t teach you to dance nobody can. He promises to teach you everything from New Jack Swing to Breaking, Wacking, Punking, Locking, Popping, House, and Atl Crank: