Archive for December, 2008

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Maybe 2008 Wasn’t So Great, But 2009 Is Looking Just Fine

[ 4 Comments ]Posted on December 31, 2008 by admin in Holidays

Wednesday, December 31st, 2008

Happy New Year!

If you’re planning to reverse your normal blood/alcohol ratio this evening, be sure to check out our New Year’s drinking tips. Whatever you do tonight, I wish you all the best for 2009. 2008 wasn’t so bad for me, but for many, it will probably go down in history as one of the worst years since 1348, which always puts things in perspective. Now THAT was a bad year. A quick Google search though, tells us that 2008 was the worst year ever for Wall Street, a bad year for restaurants, the second worst year on record for weather-related disasters a “terrible” year for the number of disaster victims worldwide, the worst year for ad revenue so far, the worst¬† year ever for the global economy, that home sales were the worst in a decade,¬† and also that some feel it was the worst movie year ever, although they say that every year. Like I always say: “NOTHING IN THE UNIVERSE is worse than hyperbole!” So let’s get on with life. 2008 was a cakewalk. Just wait until 2012, which, ironically, may end up being the worst movie of 2009…So tell me, how was YOUR 2008?

New Years: I’m Not As Think As You Drunk I Am

[ 2 Comments ]Posted on December 30, 2008 by admin in Holidays

Tuesday, December 30th, 2008

“Champagne for me real friends, real pain for my sham friends!” – Francis Bacon

I’ve always found it somehow telling that our traditional method for celebrating the new year was to drink the old one into oblivion. Personally, my new holiday tradition is carefully cueing up the Coen Brothers’ movie The The Hudsucker Proxy so that Tim Robbins jumps at exactly midnight. But since so many of us will engage in the more traditional celebration, here are some thoughts for you. First of all, the BBC has a nifty tool (pictured) for showing, for example, how many glasses of Perrier-Jouet 2000 Belle Epoque equals a pile of doughnuts. This alone may make you quit drinking. If you do end up over-imbibing though, be aware many states are getting tougher on drinking and driving. Illinois, for instance, has a new first-time offender law that gives you 14 days to get a breath-alcohol ignition-interlock device if you receive a DUI (Note: Don’t try using that thing to radio for help if you get pulled over a second time). In the U.K., they have much more experience with this sort of thing. See if, for instance, you think you might pass the Scottish DUI Test. In Suffolk, the police are implementing new methods which include a poster of phrases that drunks find impossible to say, like “Thanks, but I don’t want to sleep with you” or “Where is the nearest toilet? I can’t possibly vomit in the street“. If you DO plan to get plastered New Year’s Eve, here are some simple suggestions 1.) Try not to end up like these people. 2.) When you get home, don’t start e-mailing the drunken flirt from work that didn’t come home with you. If you do, make sure you use Google’s Mail Goggles, and 3.) Practice doesn’t make perfect with getting drunk, but this flash game will at least help you practice staying on the bar stool. And on a slightly serious note: if you or someone you know finds scenarios like these too familiar, the new year might be a perfect time to ask oneself if they may be an alcoholic.

Monday Monkeying

[ 2 Comments ]Posted on December 29, 2008 by admin in Editorial & Opinion

Monday, December 29th, 2008

Lives for the weekend

You’re a monkey. You have darts.
There are balloons. Any questions?

For all you poor souls whose jerk of a boss is making you work during the least productive week of the year, this is our last Monday Demotivator of 2008. Jeez. Just call in sick, will ya? Here’s some stuff to at least help make you late. A perfect brainless warmup is Bloons. You’re a monkey, you have darts, there are balloons. Should be manageable even before you finish the first cup of coffee. After you realize that you’re not even very good at being a dart-toting monkey, check out Superfollow. It acts sort of like a game, but then isn’t one. While your coffee kicks in, ponder what kind of job that guy must have that enables him to sit around all day designing Flash-powered gizmos that serve no conceivable purpose. Now that you’re finally awake, try your hand at Fancypants, fancypants. My pants must not be fancy enough. I killed a few spiders and became overwhelmed with a sort of nebulous sense of futility. Someone please let me know what happens after all the spider killing. And lastly, if you’re still hell-bent on this “going to work on Monday” thing, here’s a list of words you can’t use at the office next week when the rest of the staff is back, but you might be able to get away with this week. It’s amazing the words they come up with for things like “large European beetle with larvae that destroy trees and other plants”.

It All Comes Out In The End…

[ Comments Off ]Posted on December 28, 2008 by admin in Comics

Sunday, December 28th, 2008

…at least Dick Cheney hope so.

Celibacy: The Abridged Virgin

[ Comments Off ]Posted on December 28, 2008 by admin in Lifestyle & Culture

Sunday, December 28th, 2008

The Miracle Of Virgin Rebirth

Maintaining celibacy is probably easier
for some people than for others.

Recently I was joking with a couple of friends about the age old question “How long do you have to go without sex before you’re a virgin again?” There was a consensus that women were more capable of being themselves without a man, so there was a significant gender imbalance. We agreed on something like about a year for men and maybe three years for women. We were kidding around of course; I had no idea people actually took the concept seriously. Although the poor soul who asked Yahoo Answers the question “Can u get virgin again??” was probably a little disheartened by the responses, apparently there are people out there who are serious about reclaiming their virginity through faith. Go ahead and laugh, but remember that (while science may dispute the claims) more than one world religion owes their entire history to the existence of a virgin who actually gave birth! So although it used to be true that virginity was the one thing you’d never find once you lost it, technology is changing all of that. For a mere USD 14.90 you can purchase an Artificial Hymen (for a more in-depth look at this topic see this piece on the surgical re-virgining business in China). There’s even software designed specifically to help you recover your long-lost purity. If, on the other hand you still have your virginity and are trying to get rid of it, there is again a gender imbalance. If you’re a man, this graph quickly sums up your dilemma. But if you’re a woman, your virginity might even help pay for college. And all this obsession with virginity finally makes clear to me why my otherwise hip friends were so happy to take their daughters to Jonas Brothers concerts…

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