Charmageddon

Are you trapped in a dismal relationship, dreading Valentine’s Day even more than usual this year? Well put your mind at ease, because this is your time. Why? In case you forgot, we’re all going to die in some kind of end-of-the world scenario this year, like maybe Chicken Shawarmageddon. What better time to end a relationship than The End of Days? We’ve served up plenty of strange Valentine’s Day gift ideas  before, like Last Minute Valentine Gifts For Romance Impaired Misogynists, and Valentine’s Day Gift Ideas To Win Back Your Ex-Girlfriend. But this year, why worry about your existing ex, when you can make a new one? And if you want to make sure someone gets out of your life forever, what better day than Valentine’s Day? There’s no need to boil someone’s bunny, like in Fatal Attraction, or put a horse head on their bed, as in the famous kiss-off in The Godfather. Besides, in some cultures, the latter was historically considered an expression of love. No, giving someone the pink slip on Valentine’s Day will leave no doubt in their mind about whether it’s just a passing quarrel, and can be accomplished with simple and inexpensive gifts that say it all. So if you’re simply looking to dump someone, or, worse yet, if you’ve settled for an awkward half-baked solution that has left you in a position where the three words you dread hearing most as you make passionate love with the person that truly sets your heart on fire are “Honey, I’m home”, maybe it’s time to make a change. We’re here to help with the perfect gifts to break someone’s heart, instead of melting it.

	One quick, easy and FREE method of beginning the end of things is the by-now-cliched “change your Facebook relationship status” trick. Just be careful. This can get you killed.
	Nothing says “goodbye” like a set of luggage. Except when you add “there’s the door, don’t let it hit your ass on the way out”. The Samsonite 5 Piece Nested Luggage Set is not only affordable, it’ll make him look cheap as he wanders from cheap hotel to cheap hotel, pondering where he went wrong.
	Give them a copy of Mars and Venus Starting Over: A Practical Guide for Finding Love Again After a Painful Breakup, Divorce, or the Loss of a Loved One, right after you re-key all the locks on the house, drain the bank accounts, and hire a lawyer. The existence of this book begs the question though: If John Gray is so good at saving relationships, why did he need to write a breakup book?
	If you’re a woman, the solution may be simpler than you think. First, stop faking orgasms. That’ll mess him up. And once you’ve got him off-balance, give him the creepy and clinical looking Male Extender Penis Enlargement Device. Now only $239.98!
	Or save a lot of money and deliver a more lethal blow with the Size Matters Beginner Pump for only $11.91.
	If you’re a man, you may or may not have figured out by now that the answer to the question “do I need to lose a little weight?” is nothing other than “No, don’t be silly”. In any case, there’s no mistaking the message sent by a common bathroom scale. Especially if you call from the tarmac to tell her it’s gift-wrapped and sitting on the kitchen counter, after boarding your one-way flight to Thailand.
	Whether you plan to take action or not, the sadly under-acknowledged genius of Cynthia Heimel turns the tragedy of romance into side-splitting comedy in her books Get Your Tongue Out of My Mouth, I’m Kissing You Goodbye!, When Your Phone Doesn’t Ring, It’ll Be Me, and If You Can’t Live Without Me, Why Aren’t You Dead Yet?!
	Granny panties. Need we say more? This is of course a gift for yourself, not for your soon-to-be-ex. This tool may be even more effective if you’re a man and start wearing them.
	If you’re a man, you’ve probably already got this covered, and it’s only her blind devotion that has kept her from leaving you already. If you’re a woman, this is an easy and free way to drive him away. Give those pits a rest, and all those other places too. Why is waxing not against the Geneva Convention, anyway?
	Need more ideas? Oh c’mon. There must be fifty ways to leave your lover. Do we have to do all the heavy lifting around here? Okay, one more. Start dressing like Paul Simon.

Today I was searching for Valentine gift ideas on the web. Not that I have anyone to give them to this year or anything, I do this for YOU, because obviously, if you’re reading this, you’re someone who’s so unimaginative that you search the web for Valentine gifts. You NEED me. Which is why we have so many gift ideas for Valentine’s Day on the site. Anyway, you know how there are always those little suggestions at the bottom of the search results? Of course you do. I forgot. You’re the kind of person who searches the web for gift ideas. So two really caught my eye this year. One was “Valentine gift ideas for teacher”. At first I was all like “Oh. My. God. This whole thing with the sexy teacher love is really getting out of hand!”, imagining some 17 year old guy shopping for red teddies for his history teacher. Then it dawned on me that I’m a really sick person, and that it was actually pretty normal in grade school to give the teacher a Valentine, and that the current generation of soccer moms probably did this a lot as part of greasing the grade machine for their exhausted mommy-track children. The other search suggestion was intriguing though. It was “Personalized Valentine Gift”. Because you know, nothing says “personalized” like setting up a slave labor manufacturing facility in China and mass-producing cheap gifts with customized messages on them. So that’s what we’re bringing you today. Some money and labor saving tips for finding the perfect personalized Valentine gift. As opposed to those not personalized Valentine gifts that we’re always giving the only person we’ll ever love. Below are some strategies and gift ideas to get you going this Valentine’s Day.

Save Money By Cleverly Combining Events	Every time you meet someone, ask them straight up what their birthday is. If it isn’t close to Christmas or Valentine’s day, ditch them and keep looking. I have a friend whose ex-husband proposed on Valentine’s day. Not because he was romantic, but because he was a cheap bastard. He also tried to get married on Valentine’s Day or Christmas, but she didn’t fall for it. He didn’t give up though. They got married within a week of her birthday, and it took them several years to have a child, because he would only have sex with her in March and October so the kid would either be born close to Christmas or, again, her birthday. He estimated he saved several hundred dollars a year by combining gift-related events this way. So if you want to be sure that someday you have a happy ex-wife with a friend who mentions you in Valentine humor articles, this is the way to go. And if you don’t plan to get married, just make sure every woman you date has the same name. Then you can buy personalized gifts in bulk, and save even MORE money.
Use your imagination. And some scissors and glue.	I know this one is going to be hard for you, because if you HAD any imagination, you’d be leaving a trail of rose petals leading to the candlight and champagne next to the bed with the diamond ring in it in the hotel room in the carribean you booked just for this purpose. But you don’t, and you’re cheap to boot, so here’s an idea: MAKE A CARD WITH YOUR OWN HANDS. And if you’re honestly too lame to go buy some colored paper and a glue stick to do it yourself, try the Make Your Own Cards by Made By Hands craft kit. Not recommended for ages three or under. Still have brain freeze, and can’t come up with a theme? Try some cheesy book like 18 Romantic Ideas For Her Most Memorable Valentine’s Day. The Kindle edition is only $9.97. Scratch that. If you’re going to buy a book to make sure she has her “most memorable Valentine’s Day” ever, she probably won’t. Get the 101 Romantic Ideas eBook instead. It has 101 ideas for just 99 cents! That’s less than a penny an idea versus almost FIFTY SIX CENTS. And if even THAT is too expensive, here’s a link to a google search for valentine craft ideas.
Valentine’s Day Personalized Missing Piece Puzzle	On one hand, giving someone a gift like this may finally offer the answer to at least ONE puzzle, which is why they love you at all. This may just cinch the deal if they’re expecting diamonds, chocolates, or lingerie, especially if the only reward for all their hard work is a stupid statement like the one made in the example. On the other hand, this could be a lot of fun if the personalized message offered directions to pick up the plane tickets that led to the island getaway, that led to the trail-of-rose-petals cliche that we mentioned above.
BoldLoft “Say I Love You” Pillowcases	This one isn’t personalized, but the beauty of a gift like this one and the one below is that when they inevitably dump you, at least you can legitimately keep half of the gift! In the case of these pillows, make sure you swap them often enough that you’ve drooled on both and they won’t want either.
Engravable Split Heart Keychain	If you live long enough, you’ll eventually find that you can’t look at gifts like the Engravable Split Heart Keychain without seeing the dark future that they actually foreshadow. If you’re still naive and dopey enough though, they’re quite sweet. And on top of having the same benefit as the pillow gift above, if you follow our advice about always dating women with the same name, they’re recyclable!
Pretty in Pink Engravable Flask	Given what I said above, I thought I’d look for his and hers matching crack pipes, but this is the best I could come up with. I’m afraid alcohol will have to suffice in your quest to remain oblivious to your plight.

For many of us, Valentine’s Day is a time for candlelight dinners, champagne, and romantic gifts to express our undying passion for our loved ones. But for some of us, Valentine’s Day is a time of composing and re-composing bizarre love letters to people who had no idea we were stalking them, or obsessing about the one who left us over a year ago,  by pounding a 12 pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon while playing video games with our dorky friends who are still virgins at twenty-six. We’ve previously shared lots of off the wall Valentine’s Day gift ideas, but this year, we thought we’d take a look at the still suffering love-a-holic, and offer suggestions for how to win back that ex-girlfriend who was probably your last hope for any kind of healthy connection with humanity and a normal social life. First up, if you want to keep it classy and send roses, don’t send red or white ones. The traditional color for “unrequited love” is pink. I think I finally figured out the reason for this tradition. First of all, although roses are a beautiful flower, pink ones are somehow just, I don’t know, PINK. Their beauty pales in comparison to a bold red or crisp white. Pink was probably established for this purpose for two reasons. First, they prove that a guy really means it. Unless you’re a classic romantic, buying pink flowers are a sure sign that you’re GAY. And second, the second rate beauty of a pink roses makes it MUCH easier for a woman to chuck over a hundred dollars’ worth of flowers in the wastebin, which is almost certainly where the majority of pink roses end up. So you’ll probably want to skip the whole “unrequited love” thing. It’s pricey, and probably ineffective. Below are a few gift ideas to really help you win back that lost love. Strangely, most of them are gifts for you, because probably the only way you’ll win her back is by being the man you aren’t.

Five Valentine Gift Ideas For Loser Boyfriends To Win Back Their Ex

Your Only Hope (and only $97,000!)	Put up or shut up. You know all those conversations you had where she said “money doesn’t matter” and “it doesn’t have to be a HUGE ring”? Don’t be stupid. It does. And she meant “it does have to be SEMI huge though”. Also, get a job. She would love it if your band actually made enough money to buy beachfront property in LA, but she’s really tired of hanging out in smelly dive bars in Wisconsin listening to the same 10 songs. We chose the $150, 000 thirteen carat version because anything less probably won’t work in your case.
Change Your Underwear	Or at least wash them once in awhile. It’s amazing how something that so few people see can have such an impact on life. But she had to see them. Laying around in all their dingy, skidmarked glory. If you can’t get the hang of how that “washing machine” thing works, just consider them a disposable commodity. The classic old man tighty-whiteys pictured here are only about a dollar a piece, which is cheaper than having a beer.
Quit Drinking	In college she thought it was cute that you could smash a Budweiser can on your forehead and still assemble reasonably coherent sentences afterwards, but she didn’t think you’d still be doing it at thirty. And lines like “it’s always cocktail hour somewhere” stopped being funny the first time you threw up on the cop’s shoes when the two of you got pulled over.
Quit Playing Games	When we say “quit playing games”, it probably sounds like advice on how to communicate, but we literally mean quit playing games. And while you’re at it, sell the comic book collection. And shave those godawful sideburns. She was lying when she said she thought it was cute that you were trying to look like Wolverine from X-Men. Besides. There’s something just plain WRONG about choosing a PlayStation over sex with a woman.
Accept Your Fate	Give up. She was probably a skank anyway. What do all your friends (who universally agree that you’re a total freakin’ loser whose lost one of your only hopes for salvation) know about it, right? Amazon doesn’t sell the authentic Real Doll (that’s a Wikipedia link), besides, after all the money you spend on beer and video games, you can’t afford one. Which is why we’re recommending the California Exotics Sophia’s Inked Love Doll. We’re not sure how you tattoo a love doll, but we’re sure that will add the touch of realism you need. The product description also points out that “she” has “Orbital Jointed Arms”, holds 300 pounds, and comes with a repair kit, just in case.

	Because nothing says “I’m a freakin’ dweeb who will never understand women” like rose-shaped USB hubs. On the bright side, after she dumps you, you’ll have that spare USB hub you’ve been needing.
	A back hair shaver sends a very special message of love, and the message is “hey ape man, your back really grosses me out, why don’t you do something about it” and somehow sort of implies “When you’re done, take out the trash, will ya?”
	For many men, the person they love most isn’t a person at all, but a car. If this is you, let it and everyone else you know just how much you love it. And what a dork you are. With a Valentine Vehicle Costume from Mystic Industries.
	Cupid Kit With Bow, Arrow, And Wings kind of wreaks havoc with the whole Cupid motif, suggesting that you either wanna get it on with an infantile angel, or kill them. Or on the other hand, is the perfect reward for the partner who’s earned their (don’t click the following link) red wings. No really. We told you not to click it.
	Why not buy her the Shelf Bra With Satin Ribbon Halter Straps And G-String? Because you know, sometimes, you don’t want to just say “I love you”, you want to say “I would love you. If you were a trashy stripper”.
	The Two Heart Headphone Splitter is perfect for when you want to say “I love you, but not enough to listen to your crappy music or buy you your own damn iPhone, so let’s share mine”
	There IS a woman out there who would love the Bad to the Bone Singing Chopper Dog for Valenitine’s Day. And at this very moment, she’s smoking a Basic Menthol 100, sipping a PBR, and taking off that stripper outfit above after a long hard day at work.
	If your lover loves chocolate, and loves roses, these Chocolate Long Stem Roseswill probably forever turn them off to both, and to you too. The concept here is interesting, but the execution just looks nasty.
	If you have the hots for the road manager of a struggling indy band, he’ll either love you for giving him these Abernook Duct Tape Roses, or hate you for wasting perfectly good duct tape.
	Yeah, that’ll win her heart. A golf ball. Right. A GODDAMN GOLFBALL.
	At first we thought the ‘Til Death Do We Part…and We Part Tonight phrase was the perfect breakup card for the sociopath who’s getting ready to kill their lover that never loved them in the first place. Then we realized it was just a dumb party game. Don’t let that stop any of you sociopaths from stealing the image and printing your own card in silent rage.
	This is perfect if you’re so full of yourself that you think your partner is going to be overjoyed at just having you, and not an actual gift of lasting value. Alternately, it could come in handy for the sociopath mentioned above. We’re still trying to figure out why it’s called the Orgasm Service Station Surprise I Am The Presentthough.
	The Hallmark talking El Toro of Love says “Hello my name is El Toro of Love and my love for you burns with the heat of a million jalapeños peppers”, which should set off some warning signs. Trip to STD clinic not included.

Some Mood Music While You Shop