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Presidential Campaign 2012 – Bachmann Swingrich Overdrive

admin — Sun, 27 Mar 2011 00:22:41 +0000

Gingrich eats his words so he can spit
them out with a new preposition this fall.

I’ve always felt that politicians embody the most vile manifestation of celebrity, with newscasters hot on their tails. We like “real” celebrities – movie stars and music artists – because they’re pretty, or funny, or put a song in our heart. Newscasting has always seemed to draw people who want to be admired in this way, but fall a little short of silver screen level “star quality” or “It Factor”. But politicians? Dear God. They’re often not very attractive, they talk about things you don’t understand, care about, and exactly 50% of the time don’t agree with, and then they want you to LIKE them so much you actually have to trudge out and SAY SO in a voting booth. Since they’re generally so unattractive and disagreeable, that means that in order to secure this love and admiration they so desperately need, they have to lie and cheat almost constantly. Which is why I was so excited about the idea of the Newt Swingrich 2012 campaign. As such a despicable spouse cheat and hypocrite, he’s well on the way to winning our 2011 Best Politician award. Let’s not forget that Newt was not only cheating on his wife while engineering the Clinton/Lewisnky impeachment circus, he also was one of the key architects of the Contract with America. An interestingly titled document, since the only Americans that actually signed it were all GOP politicians. A document that was also interesting in that it is often credited with giving the GOP a congressional majority for the first time in decades, when this was in fact already well on the way to happening. It was sort of like Reagan shouting “tear down that wall” at a time when this was almost certain to happen anyway. Good timing and good politics, but not really “good leadership” in the conventional sense. In any case, I have much more to be excited about this week than last week regarding the 2012 presidential race. If historians record this era in America with any accuracy, it will be remembered as the era that turned politics into the DC version of “American Idol”, and Frank Luntz – GOP pollster, strategist, and author of the brilliant Words That Work: It’s Not What You Say, It’s What People Hear – will be remembered as its kingmaker. And he’s at it again. You may have read or heard about his survey work with 26 Iowa Republicans last month. The results were interesting, and could easily be spun in two distinctly different ways. While on the surface, Gingrich seemed to be the surprise winner, the inclusion of undeclared candidates like Michele Bachmann shifted the feel of things quite a bit. Suggesting that Bachmann may in fact be capable of more than just the Tancredo Effect. Just the other day CNN reported that she’ll be forming an exploratory committee by June. This would create a pretty volatile field, with the strongest contenders so far being Huckabee, Gingrich, Palin, and Bachmann. But can a teabagger candidate like Palin or Bachmann do anything but divide the party? Especially if there are two of them? And if they get enough media spin (as Andrew Breitbart says, Sarah’s really too good for the White House and should take her throne as the next Oprah) can the old-school white guys learn to work with them? Because they’d probably have to sign on to the teabagger remix of the Contract with America called the Contract FROM America . And then we have Trump to consider, and hell who knows, maybe even Hillary. As outlandish as THAT sounds, it was James Carville himself who not too long ago said “If Hillary gave [Obama] one of her balls, they’d both have two”. He also hilariously called Romney the “Designated White Guy”. Wherever this heads, you can trust we’ll have more fun than a tornado in a trailer park with the 2012 campaign trail. The Swingrich campaign is just the beginning. We’ll probably have to fine-tune our Donner Party platform, and give the Palyn/Quail ticket a re-think.

Newt Gingrich 2012 – The “Swingrich” Campaign

admin — Thu, 17 Mar 2011 03:58:38 +0000

I can’t even begin to express how excited I am about the possibility of Newt Gingrich running for president in 2012. This is an even more exciting possibility than the Palyn/Quail ticket we’ve been petitioning for. See? I’m so excited I’m using prepositional endings! Unless you’ve been living under a rock like some kind of (ahem) newt or something, you’ve probably heard about Mr. Gingrich’s exploratory website* for the 2012 election. You know, the one that used the stock photo from an old Ted Kennedy site, instantly spawning a new internet meme based on putting the “awkward prom couple” photo in front of stock photos. If you’re wondering why Newt and Callista – the brittle porcelain princess by his side – look so awkward, it’s probably in part due to the fact that they’re worried about falling off the box they’re standing on. But let’s not be so superficial here. It’s more likely that they’re worried about falling from the massive pile of hypocrisy that their relationship is built upon. You may remember that Newt was leading the morality brigade that tried to destroy the Clinton presidency with a multimillion dollar impeachment travesty that was based on accusing Clinton of two things that are fundamental to political life: cheating on your wife, and lying about it. What never got much press was the fact that Gingrich himself was cheating on his wife while leading the charge. In fact, of the three wives he’s had, the only one he hasn’t been caught cheating on is the current one, who is herself the fling that ended his last marriage. In a compelling display of the Jungian Shadow at work, Newt explains in this interview on the Christian Broadcasting Newtwork that “there’s no question at times of my life, partially driven by how passionately I felt about this country, that I worked far too hard and things happened in my life that were not appropriate.” Note that unlike Richard Nixon or Bob Dole, who would at least use their own names to put themselves in the second person, Gingrich absolves himself of all responsibility for his actions with the phrase “things happened in my life“. Which is generally how he discusses the topic. Add to this hypocrisy and exemption of self from moral repercussion the fact that the guy is a compulsive liar who fabricates fiction faster than Steven King, and you have what should be considered a consummate politician, i.e.: a two timing, hypocritical liar. If Gingrich and Palin are even remote contenders in the 2012 primaries, stock up on the popcorn. This should be more entertaining than watching Fox News. Oh. Wait. It practically will be Fox News.

*Don’t mix up that address. Newt’s site is newtexplore2012.com. If you go to ExploreNewt2012.com, it currently redirects to a YouTube video about newts. Don’t know what a “newt” is?

newt
–noun
1.) a stupid person; a dull and uninteresting person.
2.) small, lizard-like amphibian

Origin – M.E.evete, O.E. efte, efeta “small lizard-like animal”

By the way, Newt has reviewed a heck of a lot of books on Amazon, but apparently hasn’t read anything since 2008.

Sarah Palin’s Political Hyperbole In The Crosshairs

admin — Sun, 09 Jan 2011 03:06:56 +0000

Okay liberals. Put on your indoor voices and your thinking caps. Sarah Palin did not issue orders for Jared Lee Loughner to shoot Gabrielle Giffords in Arizona today by putting Gifford’s name in the cross-hairs on her political hit list. If you take that stance, you’re resorting to the same deranged logical fallacies that both Loughner and Palin rely on; in Loughner’s case to presumably later justify his violent actions, in Palin’s case, to further her self-obsessed and delusional pursuit of political credibility. And don’t go getting all excited about how this is the end of Palin’s career; my only hope in the midst of this tragic event was that it might put a damper on the retarded and infantile rhetoric that infects American politics, and those hopes are quickly being dashed. If you look at both conservative and liberal blogs and their commenters today, you see the same old debates, only escalated to new levels. We don’t yet – and may never – know what Loughner’s motivation was, but it seems safe to say that in the current environment of irrationally polarized debate fueled by prominent figures like Palin calling for executions without trial , using rifle crosshairs to identify political opponents, and constantly posing with guns while fomenting rebellion, you’re going to see more events like the one that occurred today in Arizona. Unfortunately, that’s not what anyone’s talking about so far. Liberals are pointing fingers and creating direct causal connections where there are none, and tea party conservatives are rising in passionate defense of Palin. The weirdest of these two lots can be found on Palin’s Facebook page, where literally thousands of comments were posted today, with an alarming number of her supporters referring to her as “my Sarah”. No joke. If you haven’t taken the time to learn a little about Jared Lee Loughner, take a look at his YouTube account . Which links to another account which is probably also his. There are three videos with text and background music. They all utilize peculiar logical fallacies to talk about “controlling your currency”, the government “controlling grammar”, and weird rambling definitions of terrorism and brainwashing. He often refers to himself in the second person and the past tense, and makes very little useful sense. We’ve included the videos below, with a transcript from the first one, and his reading list, which is fairly predictable for a brainwashed, “Mel Gibson in Conspiracy Theory” style assassin, except that The Catcher in the Rye is mysteriously absent. We’ve also included Sarah Palin’s exhortations to violence, to demonstrate how much a deranged egomaniac in politics can come across like a deranged egomaniac who’s not in politics.

Hello (Transcript Below)

Transcript

Hello, my name is Jared Lee Loughner.

This video is my introduction to you! My favorite activity is conscience dreaming; the greatest inspiration for my political business information. Some of you don’t dream — sadly.

Firstly, the current government officials are in power for their currency, but I’m informing you for your new currency! If you’re treasurer of a new money system, then you’re responsible for the distributing of a new currency. We now know — the treasurer for a new money system, is the distributor of the new currency. As a result, the people approve a new money system which is promising new information that’s accurate, and we truly believe in a new currency. Above all, you have your new currency, listener?

Secondly, my hope — is for you to be literate! If you’re literate in English grammar, then you comprehend English grammar. The majority of people, who reside in District-8, are illiterate — hilarious. I don’t control your English grammar structure, but you control your English grammar structure.

Thirdly, I know who’s listening: Government Officials, and the People. Nearly all the people, who don’t know this accurate information of a new currency, aren’t aware of mind control and brainwash methods. If I have my civil rights, then this message wouldn’t have happen.

In conclusion, my ambition — is for informing literate dreamers about a new currency; in a few days, you know I’m conscience dreaming! Thank you!

Introduction: Jared Loughner

How To: Mind Controller

Loughner’s reading list, which curiously doesn’t include “Catcher in the Rye”

Animal Farm
Brave New World
The Wizard Of OZ
Aesop Fables
The Odyssey
Alice Adventures Into Wonderland
Fahrenheit 451
Peter Pan
To Kill A Mockingbird
We The Living
Phantom Toll Booth
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest
Pulp
Through The Looking Glass
The Communist Manifesto
Siddhartha
The Old Man And The Sea
Gulliver’s Travels
Mein Kampf
The Republic
and Meno

Palin’s famous Twee:

And her cross-hairs themed political hit list featuring Gabrielle Giffords

Sick Of Hearing About Julian Assange & WikiLeaks?

admin — Tue, 14 Dec 2010 22:01:23 +0000

Kudos to Time magazine for featuring Julian Assange on their cover with an American flag gagging him. And kudos to their readers for voting Assange person of the year. Not because I think he’s some kind of hero. Hell, I don’t know; under various countries’ laws he’s probably a criminal of some kind or another. In fact, early on, I jokingly suggested that WikiLeaks was a disinformation machine set up by the US government. But if Assange gets thrown under the bus by the British and Swedish legal systems and ends up being “extraordinarily rendered” by US intelligence, the greatest tragedy would not be Assange’s personal demise, it would be if we all forgot about the principle behind what he was doing and returned to pointlessly quibbling about the latest partisan political folly of the week. So I hope conservatives everywhere smolder about Michael Moore’s self-satisfied support of Assange. And I hope liberals have hernias about Sarah Palin suggesting he should be hunted down like Osama Bin Laden. And I hope Vladimir Putin keeps making jabs at our sham democracy with barbs like “So, you know, as they say in the countryside, some people’s cows can moo, but yours should keep quiet“. And I hope women like Sady Doyle keep convicting him without a trial. And I hope pseudonymous misogynist bloggers like “Ferdinand Bardamu” keep dialing up the outrage on the other side by revealing the identities and addresses of the accusers. And I hope the former WikiLeakers who are organizing OpenLeaks keep dissing Assange to get press for their new venture. And I hope bloggers like Gene Lalor keep fretting that Bradley Manning is a homosexual traitor. And I hope that bleeding heart liberal intellectuals in Berkeley erect a statue in his honor. And I hope Daniel Ellsberg keeps pointing out that his experience with the Pentagon Papers was identical to the WikiLeaks debacle. Because in the end, there’s some nebulous hope that by keeping the dialog about the broader issue alive, more people will realize that the real issue is truth, and possessing the integrity to speak it. It may have taken some personally flawed personalities to do it, but the big filthy satchel of lies has been dumped on the ground. Let’s look at the contents before we decide whom to lynch.

Besides, it all makes for some good SNL skits:

WikiLeaks’ Julian Assange: Suicide By Spook?

admin — Wed, 01 Dec 2010 04:43:36 +0000

Rumor has it that there’s a movie in the
works, with another Julian starring as Assange

Earlier today I joked with a friend that if Julian Assange wants to live, he should get in touch with Osama Bin Laden’s people; they seem to do a pretty good job of keeping the US government off their tails. So it was with a certain glee that I read that Sarah Palin went all fuzzy in the head again, demanding we hunt Assange down like Bin Laden. I guess meaning “in a fashion that never leads to his capture”. Assange is often referred to as being in an “undisclosed location”, a place made famous by another narcissistic freak, Dick Cheney. Although in Dick’s case, he had the benefit of a global superpower’s intelligence agencies to undisclose him. Assange’s undisclosed location is England, which I personally wouldn’t refer to as particularly undisclosed. The fact that Interpol is gunning for him doesn’t bode well for his future either. Although some would argue that Assange and the Swedish legal system deserve each other, the fact that the case was brought forth once, dropped, and then brought forth again to coincide with the release of more documents smacks of the kind of spy-novel intrigue one would expect in a situation like this. In an era when White House staff members out our own spies for domestic political revenge, it would be naive to assume for certain that the rape allegations are legit. Unfortunately, in spite of the many possible virtues of what Assange is doing, many – including a co-founder that has run a “purer” version of what WikiLeaks is doing at Cryptome.org – agree that he’s going about it all wrong, letting money and his own celebrity damage the integrity of the information. Even his key tech people left en masse just a couple of months ago. I personally believe that the essence of what Assange is doing is crucial at this point in history; the age of nation states with their legacy of smiling mutual deceit and spy vs. spy charades is approaching its obsolescence. A new world order probably is in the works, and I don’t think we want it defined by the likes of any of the people being exposed in the recent diplomatic cables. I honestly just wonder how long Assange will remain free, or even alive. I hope long enough to take down a few banks. I also think it’s about time someone got to work on the movie; given Julian Assange’s foppish dislikeableness, it could easily be a career-reviving role for Julian Sands.

The Death & Rebirth Of Political Meta-Satire As Quantum Comedy

admin — Sun, 26 Sep 2010 02:45:44 +0000

The confusion almost makes one
nostalgic for the campy satire of
Pat Paulsen’s presidential campaigns

Recently I was going to write about the laws in Brazil that prohibit satirical political candidates during election time, criticizing such laws for denying free speech, which many of us would view as a cornerstone of modern democracy. I mean, sure. This can lead to odd results, like porn star Ciccolina being elected to parliament in Italy, but as we long ago pointed out, it’s hard to tell a prostitute from a politician in the first place. But a confluence of recent events has caused me to rethink things a bit. It started when I received an e-mail from a reader referencing my attempt at meta-satire of the Stephen Colbert/Jon Stewart events sheduled to take place in DC at the end of October. The reader – an obvious teabagger – actually said “I’m happy to see that someone in the mainstream media is calling out these socialist Obamanation jokesters for what they are doing, which is obviously ramming there [sic] liberal agenda down America’s throat right before the elections“. Never mind how much it hurt my feelings when they called Dissociated Press “mainstream”, what really was worrying was the fact that they were regurgitating satirist/comedian Glenn Beck’s humorous spin on political commentator Stephen Colbert’s rally in Washington. Oh. Wait. I think I reversed something there. This inability to distinguish the comedians from the commentators and the candidates wasn’t helped any by Colbert’s recent appearance at a congressional hearing. Although you could reasonably argue that Colbert was wasting taxpayer money somehow, or blew a great opportunity to use his clout to make progress on an important issue, I think he did something even more reckless: he not only highlighted how easily the public can be confused and misled, he exposed how easily a politician can be confused and misled. And in the process exposed the American public to something they should NEVER be allowed to see, i.e., the arcane and out-of-touch legislative process in action. It was hard to decide which was more surreal – Colbert’s presence, or the committee’s response. You’ve taken us into dangerous territory Mr. Colbert, the world of “quantum comedy”, in which the frame of observation can completely determine whether an individual is a comedian or a politician. Which now has me thinking that maybe the Brazilians had it right all along. Leave the comedy to the politicians, Mr. Colbert. They do just fine on their own.

In his opening statement to the congressional committee Colbert said “I don’t want a tomato picked by a Mexican. I want it picked by an American, then sliced by a Guatemalan and served by a Venezuelan in a spa where a Chilean gives me a Brazilian.”

Here are TWO Brazilians for you, Stephen. These are a couple of the candidates recently campaigning in Brazil

Like many candidates, Pat Paulsen often spoke from both sides of his mouth:

Palin-Quayle 2012: Everybody’s GOP Dream Ticket

admin — Thu, 26 Aug 2010 02:34:44 +0000

Get the insanely overpriced
bumper sticker while supplies last

One thing we can all probably agree on is that Washington could use some fresh blood. That’s why we’re so excited about the new GOP superstar Ben Quayle’s recent win in the Arizona congressional primaries. We think the brilliant 33 year old was spot-on with his observation that aging Washington insider Barack Obama is the worst president in history, a fact that so-called “scholars” absurdly try to refudiate. We think Ben’s platform based on “that guy’s the WORST” and “I’m gonna knock the hell out of Washington” is exactly what America needs, and that his recent victory points in only one direction: The White House. In spite of our confidence that when he’s old enough, he’ll be prepared to be the leader of the free world, the sad fact is that in 2012, he won’t be. Old enough, that is. Which is why the obvious choice to head the ticket is the seasoned political hand of Sarah Palin. We think citizens and legislators on both sides of the aisle agree that this is an absolute dream ticket for the GOP in 2012. Frankly, the only problem with the GOP ticket in 2008 was that John was too old, and everyone’s fantasy was for Sarah to be on top. To show our support for the 2012 GOP dream we can all believe in, we’ll be rolling out a line of promotional items, but for now all we have is a bumper sticker . Which at the insane price of six bucks even WE can’t afford. But grab these limited edition Cafe Press items while you can, because we’ll be looking for a service that gives us a wholesale price that isn’t 300% of normal retail, and then these items will be collectibles. Feel free to share any clever slogans of your own; we won’t share the profits of course, but you’ll have the personal satisfaction of helping bring this country the leadership it desperately needs.

Perfect for your stretch Hummer!

Get the bumper sticker while supplies last.

Well, now that you mention it, maybe I did.

Facebook Politics – I Only Like You So I Can Hate You

admin — Fri, 13 Aug 2010 01:34:37 +0000

I’ve discovered a new approach to political action that seems to confuse my friends, but which I’m confident will afford me endless hours of glee, and may lead to me never getting credit for creating the soon-to-be-popular phrase “I Only Like You So I Can Hate You”. I’ve joked a number of times recently that I’m drifting back toward the apolitical stance of my twenties, but somewhere inside, I knew that I was too addicted to America’s political shenanigans to be satisfied with simple satirical observation. So I’m doing the next best thing to voting: “LIKING”. One ironic side effect of the popularity of Facebook and their omnipresent “Like” button is that if, for instance, you find yourself for some ungodly reason looking at Sarah Palin’s Facebook page, you’ll notice you can’t make a comment on any of her surreal ramblings unless you “Like” her. So today, I did. Prompting a concerned friend to immediately comment with the astute observation that – and I quote – “in spite of appearances Ian, she’s not satire“. A short while later, I coincidentally saw Ben Quayle’s campaign video (also below) that’s been getting so much press today, and immediately “liked” him too, so I could misspell his name as I asked in the comments of his campaign page what a “Tax Cartel” was. Then, as I watched the clip again to make sure it wasn’t actually a Saturday Night Live clip like this one or some viral campaign, it hit me. The solution to all of America’s political woes. The Palin/Quayle campaign of 2012. My theory being that if they don’t win, they’ll at least siphon off enough “real” republican votes to give Obama another four years to figure out what the hell he’s doing before Newt Gingrich or somebody really scary runs. And if they do win, that’s a win for America too. As the nutjob teabagging Washington outsiders that they are, it’ll take them four years to even begin to figure out how to actually get anything done, and by then the global economic collapse caused by the Reagan/Bush/Clinton/Bush/Obama corporatocracy will have fully played out, and THEY’LL get the blame. Then we can all make a fresh start in 2016. So get on board the “I Only Like You So I Can Hate You” movement and help run the hugest campaign of subterfuge and disinformation in the history of politics.

Ben Quayle’s Gonna “Knock The Hell Out Of” Washington

Unlike his dad Dan, who got the “hell knocked out of him” with one line from Lloyd Bentsen*

*Of course, there was that little matter involving a “potatoe”, but…

Welcome To The United States Of Earth

admin — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 12:22:03 +0000

Why aren’t the snobbish, intellectual liberals of America more outraged by the racist overtones of things like the Barack the Barbarian comics and the on line game United States of Earth, in which Obama has taken over the country in an Islamic revolution? Well, probably because they’re smart enough to see it as the satire that it is, and just chuckle about it. Unlike their Republican counterparts with that teabag thing, for instance. You Democrats know what I mean. Just keep laughing inside. You Republicans don’t worry about what I’m referring to, just keep teabagging. If you haven’t heard about the comic or the game to which I’m referring, “Barack The Barbarian” is a comic in which Barack Obama is portrayed as an heroic leader of the future clad only in a fur loincloth and armed with an axe. “United States of Earth” is an on line game with a little more depth. Given the surreal state of American politics over the past several years, it wouldn’t surprise me if in the near future there were a battle in DC in which Sarah Palin’s militia attacked Rahm Emanuel’s Hamas guards to seize control of the country. Which is what the site’s creators are counting on; it turns out they’re a group of Ron Paul Libertarians with their own agenda, not some Fox-News-fed kneejerk Republicans as one might at first think. The best in depth look at the site and its creators can be found in this Mother Jones piece by David Corn. I must confess that as someone who’s drifting toward the apolitical myself, I find their strategy pretty amusing, but think it may be too amusing to intellectual liberals and too complicated for lowbrow conservatives to achieve much more than being a temporarily popular game. Don’t let that stop you from signing up though; who couldn’t love the idea of assaulting Rahm Emanuel?

Never mind 2012, America has 2011 to contend with first…

Sarah Palin as she appears in Barack the Barbarian…

Admit it. You want her.

Post-Palin Depression

admin — Fri, 28 Nov 2008 01:58:32 +0000

Like a lot of pseudo-intellectuals, I’ve been submerged in a deep depression since the election. How are we going to talk about fixing the world’s problems if one of us is actually working on them? How could life be worth living without Sarah Palin to make fun of, and nut-jobs (okay, let’s show a little sensitivity, she has a disorder,after all) like Ann Coulter to whine about? And although some suggest only science fiction could save us from our economic woes, this Obama guy might surprise us. Fortunately, just when I thought my liberal intellectual angst had been rendered a relic, Ann Coulter did something we’ve all prayed for for ages, and got her mouth wired shut. And just in time for the holidays, the grizzly, Thanksgiving-themed Sarah Palin clip featured here showed up. Watch the guy in the background while she calmly rambles on in her repetitious, sound-bitey, youbetcha way.