We quietly discontinued our Monday Demotivators a while back, partly because we figured that with the national unemployment rate hovering around 20%, there was no-one at work to actually avoid it. However, last week we got an e-mail from a regular visitor complaining that now that he’s the only one left in his cubicle farm, he needs time-wasters more than ever. So here are some quick holiday and winter themed time killers for you. Yeah, you could always Elf Yourself, but then you’re just advertising for Office Max without getting paid. Like we just did. Doh! For some reason, I’ve personally always loved Santa Toss. I think maybe it’s the yodeling, but there’s also a strange gratification in throwing Santa around, especially after all the times he’s let me down. And especially after the staff cuts he’s made. Yeah, it seems he fired all the Reindeer and replaced them with a chopper. As revenge, they cut a hole in the floor of it, and now the gifts are all over the arctic. Help him retrieve them with Present Hunter. I didn’t have much luck, but it was kind of fun crashing the helicopter 4 or 5 times. So, moving on…since there’s nobody around the office as a result of that year-end “force reduction”, you probably don’t get as much excitement out of scanning your butt on the copier as you used to. I mean, all the fun is in the excitement of doing it without getting caught, right? Well, bring back the thrills with Butt Scan. Unfortunately all that game does is let you scan your butt ’til you get fired, so it wears thin pretty fast. These holiday Flash games always have something violent or sexist to offer, so if you’re feeling a little cranky about the holidays, don your hockey mask and butcher knife and slaughter some helpless elves with Friday The 24th. And for the inevitable misogeny, touch a woman inappropriately to win imaginary money with Santa Girl. Tip: if you actually want to collect the money, touch her APPROPRIATELY. And if you found that last one especially offensive, don’t piss yourself over it. Pee in the snow instead. Because who doesn’t love peeing in the snow, and now you can even send a Pee-Mail! Here’s our little pee-mail message. We may be back next week with more holiday themed demotivators, so if you have any suggestions, pass them along. I’ll just be playing SnowCraft ’til then.

Send us a pee-mail!

As always, there’s a sexist twist. Tip: touch her appropriately if you want to (ahem) score:

Wanna fight? Just make sure you have the balls:

Although we originally started our Monday Demotivators to add a little dimension to your Monday morning, we’ve fallen a little flat this week; all we have is this simple game in which you guess the shape of a three-dimensional object as it passes through your two-dimensional field of view. This game will be familiar to anyone who’s familiar with the book Flatland: A Romance of Many Dimensions, which Isaac Asimov described as “The best introduction one can find into the manner of perceiving dimensions.” This, by the way, was one of my favorite books when I was young. I was admittedly a rather annoying kid; as a seven or eight year old, I had no idea what the big deal was about Roald Dahl and Dr Seuss books, I was busy designing model rockets and wondering what the fourth dimension was like, and if it ever passed through our dimension like the sphere in Flatland. Don’t get me wrong, I was a pretty dumb kid too. Once, after some “preliminary field tests” using the front porch, I jumped off the chicken coop using a large umbrella as a parachute. This didn’t turn out so well, as you might imagine. But since we’ve got you imagining, imagine this: although any discussion of Möbius Strips will inevitably be one-sided, when you start talking about the fourth dimension, things get a little crazy. Try to imagine that if two-dimensional beings see three-dimensional objects the way the characters in Flatland see them (Carl Sagan does a nice 7 minute explanation in this clip), and we see two-dimensional objects the way we do, then four-dimensional beings can see all six sides of an opaque box simultaneously, and in fact, what is inside the box at the same time! Unfortunately the best look we’ll get at the fourth dimension is an animated diagram of a hypercube, like the clip above. My brain just exploded. Hope yours did too. Your day should shape up nicely from here…

Due to the recent discovery of the tragic and perhaps incurable First-Person Shooter Disease (see the clip at left), we’re taking a break from the mindless Flash games usually highlighted in our weekly Monday morning time-wasters to take a more serious look at the damaging effects of video games and the Internet. While in the west we’re still debating whether or not there’s some kind of addictive disorder related to surfing and gaming, the Chinese have not only decided there is, they’ve set up boot camps to deal with the problem. After doing a little informal research, it becomes clear that they’re on the right track. The three most noteworthy gaming-related deaths were all Asian*; a Chinese gamer who killed someone over an imaginary sword, a Korean man who died after a marathon gaming session at an Internet cafe, and a Vietnamese kid who killed a woman for video game money. So let’s look at alternatives to sitting at the computer. How about self-induced hallucinations without drugs? Or better yet, with drugs? If, like me, you don’t feel like actually doing drugs, the book The Beyond Within is a fascinating look into LSD. The BBC video version is also available on YouTube, but if you don’t have 90 minutes to waste this morning, maybe check out this insightful two-minute video from the Canadia Wildlife Service that explores the dramatic effects of various drugs on spiders. And remember, it’s not just video games and drugs that are bad for you, Facebook causes brain damage too.

Who needs drugs or video games when you have ping pong balls?

*Yes, I’m profiling. And they’re good at math too.

This week’s Monday morning productivity inhibitors will take a (ahem) back seat to the fact that the more clever amongst you have sneaked in a four-day weekend. Which means you already are demotivated. And perhaps facing a day on the freeways to get home. If you have a carload of family or friends on a weekend excursion, the way there might not be so bad, but the way back can be excruciating. That’s when a healthy game of Punchbuggy or Padiddle can come in handy. Hopefully though, you’ll be home long before any Padiddling is required. If you happen to have a carload of kids (or immature adults like myself) on board, maybe some classic road trip games like Highway Bingo or Counting Cows are in order. Okay, maybe not so “classic”. Personally, I’ve never heard of “Counting Cows”. Anyway, those are print-it-yourself games; you could always buy some reusable bingo games, they’re cheap, and according to GasBuddy.com, gas prices are $1.50 lower than a year ago, so you should be able to afford a measly $6.91. And if gas prices still aren’t low enough for your tastes, you can always make your own. And finally, for those of you who come here on Monday morning for the silly Flash games, maybe you’d like to vent your holiday road rage (or frustrations with grandma) by playing a nice game of Mad Monday Road Rage or Squash The Granny. Me, I’ll probably be padiddling well into the night, and asking Are We There Yet? Are We There Yet?