Charmageddon

Are you trapped in a dismal relationship, dreading Valentine’s Day even more than usual this year? Well put your mind at ease, because this is your time. Why? In case you forgot, we’re all going to die in some kind of end-of-the world scenario this year, like maybe Chicken Shawarmageddon. What better time to end a relationship than The End of Days? We’ve served up plenty of strange Valentine’s Day gift ideas  before, like Last Minute Valentine Gifts For Romance Impaired Misogynists, and Valentine’s Day Gift Ideas To Win Back Your Ex-Girlfriend. But this year, why worry about your existing ex, when you can make a new one? And if you want to make sure someone gets out of your life forever, what better day than Valentine’s Day? There’s no need to boil someone’s bunny, like in Fatal Attraction, or put a horse head on their bed, as in the famous kiss-off in The Godfather. Besides, in some cultures, the latter was historically considered an expression of love. No, giving someone the pink slip on Valentine’s Day will leave no doubt in their mind about whether it’s just a passing quarrel, and can be accomplished with simple and inexpensive gifts that say it all. So if you’re simply looking to dump someone, or, worse yet, if you’ve settled for an awkward half-baked solution that has left you in a position where the three words you dread hearing most as you make passionate love with the person that truly sets your heart on fire are “Honey, I’m home”, maybe it’s time to make a change. We’re here to help with the perfect gifts to break someone’s heart, instead of melting it.

	One quick, easy and FREE method of beginning the end of things is the by-now-cliched “change your Facebook relationship status” trick. Just be careful. This can get you killed.
	Nothing says “goodbye” like a set of luggage. Except when you add “there’s the door, don’t let it hit your ass on the way out”. The Samsonite 5 Piece Nested Luggage Set is not only affordable, it’ll make him look cheap as he wanders from cheap hotel to cheap hotel, pondering where he went wrong.
	Give them a copy of Mars and Venus Starting Over: A Practical Guide for Finding Love Again After a Painful Breakup, Divorce, or the Loss of a Loved One, right after you re-key all the locks on the house, drain the bank accounts, and hire a lawyer. The existence of this book begs the question though: If John Gray is so good at saving relationships, why did he need to write a breakup book?
	If you’re a woman, the solution may be simpler than you think. First, stop faking orgasms. That’ll mess him up. And once you’ve got him off-balance, give him the creepy and clinical looking Male Extender Penis Enlargement Device. Now only $239.98!
	Or save a lot of money and deliver a more lethal blow with the Size Matters Beginner Pump for only $11.91.
	If you’re a man, you may or may not have figured out by now that the answer to the question “do I need to lose a little weight?” is nothing other than “No, don’t be silly”. In any case, there’s no mistaking the message sent by a common bathroom scale. Especially if you call from the tarmac to tell her it’s gift-wrapped and sitting on the kitchen counter, after boarding your one-way flight to Thailand.
	Whether you plan to take action or not, the sadly under-acknowledged genius of Cynthia Heimel turns the tragedy of romance into side-splitting comedy in her books Get Your Tongue Out of My Mouth, I’m Kissing You Goodbye!, When Your Phone Doesn’t Ring, It’ll Be Me, and If You Can’t Live Without Me, Why Aren’t You Dead Yet?!
	Granny panties. Need we say more? This is of course a gift for yourself, not for your soon-to-be-ex. This tool may be even more effective if you’re a man and start wearing them.
	If you’re a man, you’ve probably already got this covered, and it’s only her blind devotion that has kept her from leaving you already. If you’re a woman, this is an easy and free way to drive him away. Give those pits a rest, and all those other places too. Why is waxing not against the Geneva Convention, anyway?
	Need more ideas? Oh c’mon. There must be fifty ways to leave your lover. Do we have to do all the heavy lifting around here? Okay, one more. Start dressing like Paul Simon.

How can Santa bring you presents,
if you don’t know what you want?

So, you did your best to raise your precious snowflakes to be eager little capitalists. You clothed and fed them for eighteen years, then you sent little Justin and Ashley off to the finest schools your burgeoning debt and education loans could buy. And how do they repay you? They major in political science or philosophy, start THINKING and stuff, and before you know it, they RUN OFF TO JOIN THE OCCUPATION. Well, don’t give up the fight. If you disown your precious snowflake NOW, you’re doing two things to help them win their silly war against the fear and consumption driven world we lovingly crafted for them. First, by cutting them off, you’re just encouraging them to embrace their anti-consumer follies even more, running the risk that they’ll discover that money isn’t everything. Yup. Crazy as it sounds, some people ENJOY a modest lifestyle, and this peasant-like “every day’s a gift” attitude can be contagious. Second, by not spending thousands of dollars on them this Christmas like you always do, the OCCUPATION HAS ALREADY WON. Your “punishment” only punishes CAPITALISM ITSELF. So as crazy as it seems, the best way to prevent your youngster from running off and becoming some kind of vagrant, park-dwelling commie is to HELP THEM DO IT. That’s why we’ve rounded up this list of Holiday Gift Ideas for Occupiers.

Israeli Civilian Gas Mask With NATO Filter	If it’s good enough for Israel and NATO, it’s good enough for the Occupation. Although this won’t protect you from tasing, sonic assault tools, or your basic beatdown with a riot stick, it should provide relief from the stench of the camp itself.
Eureka! Apex 2 Two Person Tent	We recommend a two-person tent. You might save a few bucks on a single, but then you’ll be sleeping alone, just like you were before you left your folks’ basement to join the occupation. Anything larger, and you’ll risk having to share. Yuck.
Sex in a Tent: A Wild Couple’s Guide to Getting Naughty in Nature	Must there be a guide for EVERYTHING? These days, yes. It’s one of the perils of having created the over-educated, entitled middle class that got us into this mess in the first place.
Little Hotties Body Warmer	What could be more fun in the Occupy tent than some Little Hotties? Look, we know there’s more going on in there late at night than Marxist reading groups, but when your radical hippy lovefest abruptly ends in some stupid undergrad poli-sci debate, who’s gonna keep you warm? Little Hotties. That’s who.
Occupy – A Grown-Up Coloring Book Novel	Yup. You’re gonna need something to fill the time at the camp, and when you’re stoned out of your mind in a tent 24/7, what could be more appropriate than an Occupy Coloring Book? Crayons not included.
V For Vendetta Complete Costume	Never mind that when an occupier buys the V for Vendetta mask, they’re supporting the evil corporate empire they oppose. It freakin’ LOOKS COOL. Especially if you cough up a few more bucks for the cape and the hat. Oh. And throwing knives. See below.
12 Piece Black & Silver Ninja Throwing Knife Set	This doesn’t seem like the sort of thing a liberal peacenik would need for their Occupy Wall St activities, but this is in fact a vital component of the “V for Vendetta” outfit above. Plus, it’ll probably help you get arrested, which is the whole idea of occupying, right?
Bear Grylls Survival Series Parang	Okay, this isn’t The Congo, and we’re not shooting the movie Blood Diamond, so maybe this is overkill. They just had it listed in the “people who bought Ninja Knives also bought” recommendations, and having a machete is badass. And sounds so much more acceptable when you call it a “Parang“
Kidde Pro 210 Fire Extinguisher	My grandma always said “don’t be startin’ no fire and then puttin’ it out”. Of course she said this as she nudged the bottom of the bourbon bottle if I stopped pouring too soon, but the fact is that although you WANT to fan the flames of revolution, you don’t want to do it right inside your tent.
Pyle-Pro PMP30 Professional Megaphone/Bullhorn with Siren	If you had one of these IF YOU HAD ONE OF THESE you wouldn’t have YOU WOULDN’T HAVE to speak in short phrases TO SPEAK IN SHORT PHRASES using that human mic thing USING THAT HUMAN MIC THING. Also ALSO it would take half as long IT WOULD TAKE HALF AS LONG to say everything TO SAY EVERYTHING.
UTG Tactical Goggles	We’re not sure these serve any purpose other than making you look cool when you’re standing face to face with a cop in riot gear. I mean, if they want to pepper spray you in the eyes or something, they’ll just tase you or bop you with a riot club first to knock these off.
Police Magnum Pepper Spray Now Available in Mild, Medium, Hot, and new Cool Ranch	The year 2011 will probably be most remembered for pepper spray, thanks to the NYPD, UC Davis, and that crazy lady at Walmart. Join the fun with your OWN pepper spray arsenal. And it’s even “police grade”, whatever THAT means. Now available in Mild, Medium, Hot, and Cool Ranch.
Chaos CTR Adrenaline Balaclava	No popular revolt is complete without Balaclavas. Although generally appropriate attire for fascist police forces violating the privacy of average citizens as they throw America’s search and seizure laws out the window, they look just as stylish at the Occupy camp. Not to be confused with the Greek pastry that Greek austerity has made a rare treat in Greece itself.
Potassium Iodate Anti-Radiation Pills	Sooner or later, the US government is bound to resort to DOMESTIC false flag operations, and do something like planting a dirty bomb at an Occupy camp. Be prepared with some Potassium Iodate Anti-Radiation Pills.
Briefcase Solar Generator	No batteries? NO PROBLEM. Power that Bose sound system and iPod dock that was manufactured with the bleeding fingers of Asian children with this slim briefcase-shaped solar unit. Inspector Gadget trenchcoat not included.
The Virtue of Selfishness	A note to parents: sure, Ayn Rand died penniless and collecting government benefits under another name, but that makes this book no less valuable as one of the most effective propaganda pieces in your capitalist arsenal. Plus, they can burn it to keep warm if they like.
Global Protection Night Light Glow in the Dark Condoms	These are handy when the batteries run out and no-one feels like climbing on the bicycle generator to shed some light on things. And while it comes across as a caring gift, promoting safe sex, admit it. The last thing a capitalist parent wants is for these Occupiers to START BREEDING.

There’s a tense homo-eroticism when Rudov is on Bill O’Reilly’s show, and we think we know why:

Today I was searching for Valentine gift ideas on the web. Not that I have anyone to give them to this year or anything, I do this for YOU, because obviously, if you’re reading this, you’re someone who’s so unimaginative that you search the web for Valentine gifts. You NEED me. Which is why we have so many gift ideas for Valentine’s Day on the site. Anyway, you know how there are always those little suggestions at the bottom of the search results? Of course you do. I forgot. You’re the kind of person who searches the web for gift ideas. So two really caught my eye this year. One was “Valentine gift ideas for teacher”. At first I was all like “Oh. My. God. This whole thing with the sexy teacher love is really getting out of hand!”, imagining some 17 year old guy shopping for red teddies for his history teacher. Then it dawned on me that I’m a really sick person, and that it was actually pretty normal in grade school to give the teacher a Valentine, and that the current generation of soccer moms probably did this a lot as part of greasing the grade machine for their exhausted mommy-track children. The other search suggestion was intriguing though. It was “Personalized Valentine Gift”. Because you know, nothing says “personalized” like setting up a slave labor manufacturing facility in China and mass-producing cheap gifts with customized messages on them. So that’s what we’re bringing you today. Some money and labor saving tips for finding the perfect personalized Valentine gift. As opposed to those not personalized Valentine gifts that we’re always giving the only person we’ll ever love. Below are some strategies and gift ideas to get you going this Valentine’s Day.

Save Money By Cleverly Combining Events	Every time you meet someone, ask them straight up what their birthday is. If it isn’t close to Christmas or Valentine’s day, ditch them and keep looking. I have a friend whose ex-husband proposed on Valentine’s day. Not because he was romantic, but because he was a cheap bastard. He also tried to get married on Valentine’s Day or Christmas, but she didn’t fall for it. He didn’t give up though. They got married within a week of her birthday, and it took them several years to have a child, because he would only have sex with her in March and October so the kid would either be born close to Christmas or, again, her birthday. He estimated he saved several hundred dollars a year by combining gift-related events this way. So if you want to be sure that someday you have a happy ex-wife with a friend who mentions you in Valentine humor articles, this is the way to go. And if you don’t plan to get married, just make sure every woman you date has the same name. Then you can buy personalized gifts in bulk, and save even MORE money.
Use your imagination. And some scissors and glue.	I know this one is going to be hard for you, because if you HAD any imagination, you’d be leaving a trail of rose petals leading to the candlight and champagne next to the bed with the diamond ring in it in the hotel room in the carribean you booked just for this purpose. But you don’t, and you’re cheap to boot, so here’s an idea: MAKE A CARD WITH YOUR OWN HANDS. And if you’re honestly too lame to go buy some colored paper and a glue stick to do it yourself, try the Make Your Own Cards by Made By Hands craft kit. Not recommended for ages three or under. Still have brain freeze, and can’t come up with a theme? Try some cheesy book like 18 Romantic Ideas For Her Most Memorable Valentine’s Day. The Kindle edition is only $9.97. Scratch that. If you’re going to buy a book to make sure she has her “most memorable Valentine’s Day” ever, she probably won’t. Get the 101 Romantic Ideas eBook instead. It has 101 ideas for just 99 cents! That’s less than a penny an idea versus almost FIFTY SIX CENTS. And if even THAT is too expensive, here’s a link to a google search for valentine craft ideas.
Valentine’s Day Personalized Missing Piece Puzzle	On one hand, giving someone a gift like this may finally offer the answer to at least ONE puzzle, which is why they love you at all. This may just cinch the deal if they’re expecting diamonds, chocolates, or lingerie, especially if the only reward for all their hard work is a stupid statement like the one made in the example. On the other hand, this could be a lot of fun if the personalized message offered directions to pick up the plane tickets that led to the island getaway, that led to the trail-of-rose-petals cliche that we mentioned above.
BoldLoft “Say I Love You” Pillowcases	This one isn’t personalized, but the beauty of a gift like this one and the one below is that when they inevitably dump you, at least you can legitimately keep half of the gift! In the case of these pillows, make sure you swap them often enough that you’ve drooled on both and they won’t want either.
Engravable Split Heart Keychain	If you live long enough, you’ll eventually find that you can’t look at gifts like the Engravable Split Heart Keychain without seeing the dark future that they actually foreshadow. If you’re still naive and dopey enough though, they’re quite sweet. And on top of having the same benefit as the pillow gift above, if you follow our advice about always dating women with the same name, they’re recyclable!
Pretty in Pink Engravable Flask	Given what I said above, I thought I’d look for his and hers matching crack pipes, but this is the best I could come up with. I’m afraid alcohol will have to suffice in your quest to remain oblivious to your plight.

	Because nothing says “I’m a freakin’ dweeb who will never understand women” like rose-shaped USB hubs. On the bright side, after she dumps you, you’ll have that spare USB hub you’ve been needing.
	A back hair shaver sends a very special message of love, and the message is “hey ape man, your back really grosses me out, why don’t you do something about it” and somehow sort of implies “When you’re done, take out the trash, will ya?”
	For many men, the person they love most isn’t a person at all, but a car. If this is you, let it and everyone else you know just how much you love it. And what a dork you are. With a Valentine Vehicle Costume from Mystic Industries.
	Cupid Kit With Bow, Arrow, And Wings kind of wreaks havoc with the whole Cupid motif, suggesting that you either wanna get it on with an infantile angel, or kill them. Or on the other hand, is the perfect reward for the partner who’s earned their (don’t click the following link) red wings. No really. We told you not to click it.
	Why not buy her the Shelf Bra With Satin Ribbon Halter Straps And G-String? Because you know, sometimes, you don’t want to just say “I love you”, you want to say “I would love you. If you were a trashy stripper”.
	The Two Heart Headphone Splitter is perfect for when you want to say “I love you, but not enough to listen to your crappy music or buy you your own damn iPhone, so let’s share mine”
	There IS a woman out there who would love the Bad to the Bone Singing Chopper Dog for Valenitine’s Day. And at this very moment, she’s smoking a Basic Menthol 100, sipping a PBR, and taking off that stripper outfit above after a long hard day at work.
	If your lover loves chocolate, and loves roses, these Chocolate Long Stem Roseswill probably forever turn them off to both, and to you too. The concept here is interesting, but the execution just looks nasty.
	If you have the hots for the road manager of a struggling indy band, he’ll either love you for giving him these Abernook Duct Tape Roses, or hate you for wasting perfectly good duct tape.
	Yeah, that’ll win her heart. A golf ball. Right. A GODDAMN GOLFBALL.
	At first we thought the ‘Til Death Do We Part…and We Part Tonight phrase was the perfect breakup card for the sociopath who’s getting ready to kill their lover that never loved them in the first place. Then we realized it was just a dumb party game. Don’t let that stop any of you sociopaths from stealing the image and printing your own card in silent rage.
	This is perfect if you’re so full of yourself that you think your partner is going to be overjoyed at just having you, and not an actual gift of lasting value. Alternately, it could come in handy for the sociopath mentioned above. We’re still trying to figure out why it’s called the Orgasm Service Station Surprise I Am The Presentthough.
	The Hallmark talking El Toro of Love says “Hello my name is El Toro of Love and my love for you burns with the heat of a million jalapeños peppers”, which should set off some warning signs. Trip to STD clinic not included.

Some Mood Music While You Shop

Celebrate three holidays in one with a sexy santa
outfit (cap not included) and a pole dancing kit.

The last few days before Christmas can be hectic, and for some, even depressing. Like for those folks who try to throw a party for Global Orgasm Day every year. The results may be premature, but if the visitor counter on their site is accurate, it looks like nobody came. Then of course we have Festivus on the 23rd. Which is why we pointed out last year that you may as well roll the two together. This year, as you can see in the image on the left, we’re suggesting you roll all three holidays together with a sexy santa outfit (cap not included) and a pole dancing kit. We’re not being sexist here; we think that combo is suitable for either women or men. If the military doesn’t ask, why would we? So speaking of hectic, we have some last minute Christmas shopping to do ourselves, and since we like to think that we give you a little gift almost 365 days a year, we may take a day or two off. If you have last minute shopping to do and you’re stuck for gift ideas, check out some of our offbeat Christmas gift suggestions. They’re probably more entertaining than useful, but range from the inexpensive to the insanely expensive, to the downright perverse. And if the holiday music that’s been subliminally filtering into your brain since the day after Halloween hasn’t left you feeling like the victim of some kind of merchandising psy-ops, we’ve also rounded up a ton of both classic and quirky Christmas music ideas. Anything special you’d like for Christmas this year? Tell us in a comment. There’s nothing we’d love more than to stuff your stockings.

It all begins around the first of November, when you’re at the market staring at piles of deeply discounted mini chocolate bars left over from Halloween, and suddenly, like some sonic message from the dark side, “Santa Claus Is Comin’ To Town” pokes through the ambient shopping noise. By mid-December, you’ve probably subliminally absorbed so many Christmas songs that you find yourself spontaneously whistling “Walkin’ In A Winter Wonderland” while making love. So it’s natural that so many people groan at the idea of listening to Christmas music on purpose. Which is a shame, because thanks to the thousands of crassly opportunistic attempts to cash in on the Christmas spirit, there are literally thousands of tunes to choose from, in every genre, from several decades. We’ve previously tried to cover all the bases; over the past couple of years we Jewished you a merry Christmas with Oye To The World, suggested some Santastic mashups with Generation Xmas, and with Generation Triple X-Mas we got on Santa’s naughty list. So this year, we thought we’d try to get back on the “nice” list with some actually sane Christmas music ideas, and a few oddities thrown in for fun. If you’ve ever gone searching on the web for some new holiday music ideas, you may have had that Wikiphilia-like experience of suddenly realizing you just wasted three hours of your life mindlessly YouTubing weird Christmas tunes like we did. So we have to give considerable thanks to MistleTunes, Falalalala.com, and Check The Cool Wax for their passion and devotion to compiling and organizing thousands of offbeat and obscure holiday songs. They bring a lot of the spirit back to what should be one of the best parts of the holidays. The music! Hope you enjoy, and feel free to share your own playlist ideas.

Multi-Generational

First up, if you put these three collections on shuffle, you can pretty much relax and enjoy your company for a couple of hours. This combination pacifies several generations at once: The old geezers, the jazz & crooner snobs, and the almost-thirty hipsters who still think listening to the rat pack makes you cool. It’s also good to expose the even younger crowd to this stuff; by the time they’re fifty this will literally be classical music from a century long gone. Christmas Belles is awesome because almost all the ladies singing on it are instantly recognizable with just last names : Garland, Fitzgerald, Horne, Clooney, Vaughan, Kitt. Great stuff that puts Davis, Sinatra, and Martin in their place.

Lifetime Intimate Portraits: Christmas Belles	Christmas With The Rat Pack	A Merry Christmas With Bing Crosby & The Andrews Sisters

Christmas Contemporary 2009

This is a personal mix of mine from last year. It’s a little less broad in appeal, but I think I did a pretty good job of moving through some moods on a single CD-length mix. The inclusion of Paul McCartney’s nauseating “Wonderful Christmastime” seemed the only way to break up the genuineness of the John Lennon so things could move on to the syrup of “Father Christmas”. All the tunes are available on Amazon for $0.99USD, except the two mashups which you can download for FREE. Little preview widgets below too:

01 Brenda Lee – Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree 02 Beach Boys – Little Saint Nick 03 Bobby Helms – Jingle Bell Rock 04 Temptations – Little Drummer Boy 05 Ray Charles – Christmas Time 06 Ventures – Jingle Bells 07 John & Yoko – Happy Christmas 08 Paul McCartney – Wonderful Christmastime 09 Greg Lake – I Believe In Father Christmas 10 Vince Guaraldi Trio – Christmas Time Is Here 11 Tom Jones With Cerys From Catatonia – Baby It’s Cold Outside 12 Jackson Five – Santa Claus Is Coming To Town 13 Waitresses – Christmas Wrapping 14 A plus D – Give Da Jew Girl Toys (Direct MP3 Link) 15 Lenlow ¿Dónde Está Santa Claus (Direct MP3 Link)

A plus D – Give Da Jew Girl Toys Lenlow – ¿Dónde Está Santa Claus

Okay, call me a sap, but Hurts’ All I Want For Christmas Is New Year’s Day got me all weepy and sentimental, maybe because I’m so good at having crappy Christmases. Some people just want it all to be over with as soon as possible.

But not Julian Casablancas, who wishes it were Christmas every day

It’s The Little Things- Voicedude

The miraculous marriage of Trans Siberian Orchestra’s Christmas Canon and Blink 182′s All The Small Things, ordained with some classic Christmas film clips.

Pee Wee’s Sleigh House

Pee Wee Herman always brings a special magic to the holidays, especially when he wishes you “Feliz Blah Blah Blah” with Charo or Grace Jones pops out of his package.

Grace Jones – Little Drummer Boy

Charo – Feliz Navidad

	New York oldies station WCBS FM 101.1 put together The Ultimate Christmas Album in 1994. And again in 1995, 1996, and so on. In spite of their apparent failure to understand the meaning of “ultimate”, we still benefit, because these are in fact pretty decent Christmas oldies collections, and even if you’re not thrilled with each complete compilation they’re still great starting points for your own playlist.
WCBS FM Ultimate Christmas Album Volume 1	WCBS FM Ultimate Christmas Album Volume II
1. Rockin’ Around The Christmas Tree – Brenda Lee2. Jingle Bell Rock – Bobby Helms 3. What Christmas Means To Me – Stevie Wonder 4. You’re My Christmas Present – Jimmy Beaumont & The Skyliners 5. White Christmas – The Drifters 6. Merry Merry Christmas Baby – Margo Sylvia & The Tune Weavers 7. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus – Jimmy Boyd 8. Baby’s First Christmas – Connie Francis 9. Silver Bells – Diana Ross & The Supremes 10. It’s Christmas Once Again – Frankie Lymon 11. Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer – Gene Autry 12. Run Rudolph Run – Chuck Berry 13. Please Come Home For Christmas – Dion 14. The Chipmunk Song ( Christmas Don’t Be Late ) – Alvin & the Chipmunks 15. This Time Of The Year – Brook Benton 16. Christmas Ain’t Christmas (Without The One You Love) – The O’Jays 17. The Little Drummer Boy – Harry Simeone Chorale 18. I’ll Be Home For Christmas – Fats Domino 19. Santa Claus Is Coming To Town – The Four Seasons 20. This Christmas – Donny Hathaway 21. Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer – The Cadillacs 22. Christmas Serenade – Johnny Maestro & The Brooklyn Bridge 23. Silent Night – The Temptations 24. Christmas Auld Lang Syne – Bobby Darin 25. Another Lonely New Year’s Eve – Jimmy Beaumont & The Skyliners	1. Little Saint Nick – The Beach Boys2. White Christmas – Diana Ross & The Supremes 3. Here Comes Santa Claus – Gene Autry 4. Sleigh Ride – Johnny Mathis 5. Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer – Elmo & Patsy 6. A Christmas Long Ago (Jingle Jingle) – THE ECHELONS 7. Merry Christmas Darling – The Carpenters 8. Donde Esta Santa Claus – AUGIE RIOS 9. Merry Christmas Baby – Dion 10. Give Love On Christmas Day – The Jackson Five 11. Holly Jolly Christmas – Burl Ives 12. Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas – Johnny Maestro & The Brooklyn Bridge 13. Frosty The Snowman – The Beach Boys 14. Nuttin’ For Christmas – Barry Gordon 15. The Christmas Song – The Duprees 16. Pretty Paper – Roy Orbison 17. It’s Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas – Bing Crosby 18. Merry Christmas All – Denise Montana & The Salsoul Orch 19. Dominick The Donkey – Lou Monte 20. Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer – THE MELODEERS 21. Someday At Christmas – Stevie Wonder 22. It’s The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year – Andy Williams 23. Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow! – Dean Martin 24. Happy New Year Baby – JO ANN CAMPBELL 25. After New Year’s Eve – The Heartbeats
WCBS FM Ultimate Christmas Album Volume III	WCBS FM Ultimate Christmas Album Volume IV
1. The Christmas Song – Nat King Cole2. All Alone On Christmas – Darlene Love 3. I’ll Be Home For Christmas – Larry Chance & The Earls 4. Santa Claus Is Coming To Town – Bobby Vinton 5. Jingle Bells – THE SINGING DOGS 6. Twinkle Twinkle Little Me – The Supremes 7. Winter Wonderland – Johnny Mathis 8. Sleigh Ride – The Ventures 9. Home For The Holidays – Perry Como 10. Christmas Vacation – Mavis Staples 11. The Bell That Couldn’t Jingle – Burt Bacharach 12. Feliz Navidad – Jose Feliciano 13. O Holy Night – Lou Christie/University Of Pittsburgh’s Men’s Glee Club 14. White Christmas – Bing Crosby 15. It’s Christmas Everywhere – Paul Anka 16. Chrissy The Christmas Mouse – Donald O’Connor/Debbie Reynolds 17. Rockin’ Around The Christmas Tree – Dion 18. Happy Holidays – Andy Williams 19. Amen – The Impressions 20. We Need A Little Christmas – Percy Faith 21. Santa Baby – Eartha Kitt 22. All I Want For Christmas Is You – Larry Chance/Johnny Maestro/Bobby Jay/Joel Katz 23. All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth – Spike Jones 24. Christmas Time – Ray Charles 25. The Night Before Christmas – Fred Waring	1. Blue Christmas – Elvis Presley2. The Man With All The Toys – The Beach Boys 3. Merry Christmas Baby – Otis Redding 4. Peace On Earth/Little Drummer Boy – David Bowie And Bing Crosby 5. Christmas Is – Johnny Maestro & The Brooklyn Bridge 6. Twistin’ Bells – Santo & Johnny 7. Merry, Merry Christmas Baby – Dodie Stevens 8. The Twelve Days Of Christmas – Ray Conniff 9. White Christmas – Patti LaBelle & The Bluebelles 10. If It Doesn’t Snow On Christmas Day – Gene Autry 11. Santa Claus Is Comin’ To Town – Brenda Lee 12. A Baby Just Like You – John Denver 13. Gee Whiz, It’s Christmas – Carla Thomas 14. Christmas Eve In My Home Town – Bobby Vinton 15. You’re All I Want For Christmas – Brook Benton 16. Sleigh Ride – Leroy Anderson 17. Winter Wonderland – The Platters 18. What Can I Give You This Christmas – The Lettermen 19. Jingle Bell Rock – Larry Chance & The Earls 20. It’s Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas – Perry Como 21. O Holy Night – Johnny Maestro & The Brooklyn Bridge 22. Christmas Is – Percy Faith 23. Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas – Lou Rawls 24. Silent Night – Frankie Lymon 25. Christmas Dragnet – Stan Freberg
WCBS FM Ultimate Christmas Album Volume V	WCBS FM Ultimate Christmas Album Volume VI
1. Wonderful Christmas – Paul McCartney & Wings2. Little Drummer Boy – The Tokens 3. Silver Bells – Elvis Presley 4. Santa Claus Is Coming To Town – Pointer Sisters 5. Christmas Time Is Here (Vocal Version) – The Vince Guaraldi Trio 6. The Christmas Song (Merry Christmas To You) – Johnny Mathis 7. Jingle Bell Rock – Hall & Oates 8. Blue Holiday – The Shirelles 9. Sleigh Ride – Andy Williams 10. A Christmas Love Song – The Manhattan Transfer 11. Mary’s Boy Child – Harry Belafonte 12. Christmas Wrapping – The Waitresses 13. There Is No Christmas Like A Home Christmas – Perry Como 14. I’ll Be Home For Christmas – The Beach Boys 15. Christmas Delight – The Four Tops 16. Deck The Hall – Nat King Cole 17. If Every Day Was Like Christmas – Elvis Presley 18. Silver Bells – Bing Crosby 19. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus – The Jackson 5 20. White Christmas – The Temptations 21. A Marshmallow World – Dean Martin 22. Silent Night – Gladys Knight & The Pips 23. Santa Claus Is Watching You – Ray Stevens 24. What Are You Doing New Year’s Eve? – The Orioles 25. It’s Just Another New Year’s Eve (Live) – Barry Manilow	1. Last Christmas – Wham2. Santa Claus Is Coming To Town – The Beach Boys 3. Winter Wonderland – Aretha Franklin 4. White Christmas – Tony Bennett 5. Frosty The Snowman – The Jackson Five 6. Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow! – Andy Williams 7. Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas – The O’Jays 8. Hark! The Herald Angels Sing – America 9. The Christmas Song – Barry Manilow 10. The Children’s Christmas Song – Diana Ross And The Supremes 11. I’ll Be Home For Christmas – Johnny Mathis 12. Doo Wop Christmas – Kenny Vance And The Planotones 13. The Christmas Waltz – Doris Day 14. I Believe In Father Christmas – Greg Lake 15. A Night To Remember – Engelbert Humperdinck 16. It Came Upon A Midnight Clear – Tony Orlando 17. Happy Holiday/The Holiday Season – The Manhattan Transfer 18. Kissin’ By The Mistletoe – Aretha Franklin 19. Silver Bells – Any Williams 20. Frosty The Snowman – Jimmy Durante 21. White Christmas – Connie Francis 22. Come On A Sleigh Ride With Me… – Brian Hyland 23. Santa Claus Is Coming To Town – Perry Como 24. Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas – Linda Ronstadt 25. May You Always – Harry Harrison

You have to dig pretty deep to dig up weirder Christmas music ideas than we did over the last couple of years with Generation Triple Xmas – Holiday Songs For Millennials, last holiday season’s Oye To The World, our tribute to the non-Christian menorah-ty , and our mashup roundup of 2008, Generation X-Mas, but this year we’re digging deeper. Or lower, as the case may be. Yeah, yeah. Christmas is a time of joy and celebration, blah blah blah. Face it. For much of the world, Christmas is only a few days after the longest night of the year, and unless you live in southern climes, there’s a good chance it’s cold and dreary during those few hours of daylight that do exist. No wonder we string lights all over the place, eat ourselves into oblivion, and try to cheer each other up with presents wrapped in shiny paper. So this year, why not just roll with it, and ball your eyes out with some awesomely depressing Christmas music. We’ve rounded up a few tunes below to help bring you down, but got so depressed in the process that we couldn’t go on. Feel free to share some suggestions. We’ll post them in a followup, that is, if we can read your comments through the tears that are freezing our eyes shut

We’ll ease you in gently. Low’s Just Like Christmas teases you with glimmers of hope as it meanders through the melancholy and minor chords. From the album inspiringly called Christmas

Somehow Roy Orbison songs are even more depressing when you watch him sing them. Here’s Roy wrapping the holidays in blue with Pretty Paper from 1963.

Sometimes it’s a bunch of snow that gets dumped around Christmas time. Sometimes it’s you. Joni Mitchell’s River is the perfect song for when the only gift you got for Christmas was your freedom.

If you think of John Lennon’s Happy Xmas (War Is Over) as a cheerful song of hope, don’t watch this slightly graphic fan-generated video.

Only Sufjan Stevens could make “Riding a sled down the hillside, hillside” sound like an integral part of The Worst Christmas Ever

However you’re feeling, it could always be worse. Because as Harvey Danger points out, Sometimes You Have to Work on Christmas