Valentine’s Day 2012 – It’s Not The End of the World
[ Comments Off ]Posted on February 13, 2012 by admin in Holidays
Monday, February 13th, 2012But it COULD be the end of a relationship. If you play your cards right. Ten easy ways to help get rid of that special unwanted someone in your life.
 Charmageddon |
Are you trapped in a dismal relationship, dreading Valentine’s Day even more than usual this year? Well put your mind at ease, because this is your time. Why? In case you forgot, we’re all going to die in some kind of end-of-the world scenario this year, like maybe Chicken Shawarmageddon. What better time to end a relationship than The End of Days? We’ve served up plenty of strange Valentine’s Day gift ideas before, like Last Minute Valentine Gifts For Romance Impaired Misogynists, and Valentine’s Day Gift Ideas To Win Back Your Ex-Girlfriend. But this year, why worry about your existing ex, when you can make a new one? And if you want to make sure someone gets out of your life forever, what better day than Valentine’s Day? There’s no need to boil someone’s bunny, like in Fatal Attraction, or put a horse head on their bed, as in the famous kiss-off in The Godfather. Besides, in some cultures, the latter was historically considered an expression of love. No, giving someone the pink slip on Valentine’s Day will leave no doubt in their mind about whether it’s just a passing quarrel, and can be accomplished with simple and inexpensive gifts that say it all. So if you’re simply looking to dump someone, or, worse yet, if you’ve settled for an awkward half-baked solution that has left you in a position where the three words you dread hearing most as you make passionate love with the person that truly sets your heart on fire are “Honey, I’m home”, maybe it’s time to make a change. We’re here to help with the perfect gifts to break someone’s heart, instead of melting it. Read the rest of this entry »
Occupy Christmas – 15 Gift Ideas For The Young Occupier In Your Life
[ Comments Off ]Posted on November 29, 2011 by admin in Holidays
Tuesday, November 29th, 2011Parents, face it. If you cut off your good-for-nothing radical kid this Christmas, you’re only punishing CAPITALISM ITSELF.
 How can Santa bring you presents, if you don’t know what you want? |
So, you did your best to raise your precious snowflakes to be eager little capitalists. You clothed and fed them for eighteen years, then you sent little Justin and Ashley off to the finest schools your burgeoning debt and education loans could buy. And how do they repay you? They major in political science or philosophy, start THINKING and stuff, and before you know it, they RUN OFF TO JOIN THE OCCUPATION. Well, don’t give up the fight. If you disown your precious snowflake NOW, you’re doing two things to help them win their silly war against the fear and consumption driven world we lovingly crafted for them. First, by cutting them off, you’re just encouraging them to embrace their anti-consumer follies even more, running the risk that they’ll discover that money isn’t everything. Yup. Crazy as it sounds, some people ENJOY a modest lifestyle, and this peasant-like “every day’s a gift” attitude can be contagious. Second, by not spending thousands of dollars on them this Christmas like you always do, the OCCUPATION HAS ALREADY WON. Your “punishment” only punishes CAPITALISM ITSELF. So as crazy as it seems, the best way to prevent your youngster from running off and becoming some kind of vagrant, park-dwelling commie is to HELP THEM DO IT. That’s why we’ve rounded up this list of Holiday Gift Ideas for Occupiers. Read the rest of this entry »
Last Minute Valentine Gifts For Romance Impaired Misogynists
[ 21 Comments ]Posted on February 5, 2011 by admin in Holidays
Saturday, February 5th, 2011The very words “Last Minute Valentine Gifts” kind of suggest a problem. Why not just own up to your misogyny and buy a copy of Marc Rudov’s “Under the Clitoral Hood: How to Crank Her Engine Without Cash, Booze or Jumper Cables”
We’ve already shared a lot of other Valentine Gift Ideas, but are you a man who is sick and tired of these sexist, gender-lopsided traditions of Valentine’s Day? Or perhaps a woman who is sick and tired of the man in your life, who claims he’s sick and tired of the sexist, gender-lopsided traditions of Valentine’s Day, so he can get out of buying you Valentine’s gifts? Well, I think we’ve found the perfect gift for both of you. If you’re the woman in this scenario, you can buy it for the man, to help make him go away. And if you’re the man, you can maintain your thinly-veiled misogynistic pride by buying yourself a copy. And after you’ve validated all your bogus values of equality based on anti-feminism, you can start a bromance with Marc Rudov, and enjoy an endless string of chick-bashing man dates together. I’m referring, of course, to any of the “books” by Mark Rudov, including The Man’s No-Nonsense Guide to Women: How to Succeed in Romance on Planet Earth
Personalized Valentine’s Day Gift Ideas
[ 1 Comment ]Posted on January 27, 2011 by admin in Holidays
Thursday, January 27th, 2011Because you know, nothing says “personalized” like setting up a slave labor manufacturing facility in China and mass producing cheap gifts with customized messages on them.
  If the passion is still there, the message in the boxers should be loud and clear without personalizing them. |
Today I was searching for Valentine gift ideas on the web. Not that I have anyone to give them to this year or anything, I do this for YOU, because obviously, if you’re reading this, you’re someone who’s so unimaginative that you search the web for Valentine gifts. You NEED me. Which is why we have so many gift ideas for Valentine’s Day on the site. Anyway, you know how there are always those little suggestions at the bottom of the search results? Of course you do. I forgot. You’re the kind of person who searches the web for gift ideas. So two really caught my eye this year. One was “Valentine gift ideas for teacher”. At first I was all like “Oh. My. God. This whole thing with the sexy teacher love is really getting out of hand!”, imagining some 17 year old guy shopping for red teddies for his history teacher. Then it dawned on me that I’m a really sick person, and that it was actually pretty normal in grade school to give the teacher a Valentine, and that the current generation of soccer moms probably did this a lot as part of greasing the grade machine for their exhausted mommy-track children. The other search suggestion was intriguing though. It was “Personalized Valentine Gift”. Because you know, nothing says “personalized” like setting up a slave labor manufacturing facility in China and mass-producing cheap gifts with customized messages on them. So that’s what we’re bringing you today. Some money and labor saving tips for finding the perfect personalized Valentine gift. As opposed to those not personalized Valentine gifts that we’re always giving the only person we’ll ever love. Below are some strategies and gift ideas to get you going this Valentine’s Day. Read the rest of this entry »
Unusual Valentine Gift Ideas For 2011
[ Comments Off ]Posted on January 6, 2011 by admin in Holidays
Thursday, January 6th, 2011Didn’t I hear you cry this mornin’? Didn’t I feel you weep? I imagine it was because someone either made you listen to Firefall’s “That’s a Strange Way To Tell Me You Love Me”, or because that special someone in your life took our advice for Valentine gifts this year.
Just not feeling the magic about your romantic partner this year? Don’t feel like shopping for that special Valentine gift to show them how much you love them? Well, you could always move to Iran; apparently they’ve banned Valentine gifts this year. Or, you could rely on our trusty guides to unusual Valentine’s Day gifts that can help you show your love in ways you probably would have never thought of. And that your partner may wish you hadn’t. There are lots of creative things you can do for the one you love without buying them the classic heart-shaped box of chocolate and dozen roses. For example, nothing says “I love you” like a half-mile-wide heart made out of manure. But the fact is you don’t need a tractor and ten acres of poop to show someone you love them, you can just buy them weird crappy gifts on Amazon. And that’s where we come in. In previous years’ Valentine gift guides, we brought you the humorous, the expensive, and the slightly offbeat, but this year we’ve dug a little deeper into our heart – or at least the pages of Amazon, anyway – to bring you the truly peculiar. And this is just the teaser. We’ll have more unusual Valentine gift ideas in the weeks to come. Gift ideas below. Read the rest of this entry »