Sure. The Pipedream Products Christmas Tree
looks harmless enough. Until you look
closer and realize Santa has a little secret.

Last year on Cyber Monday , we compiled a list of the weirdest things we could find on Amazon. This year, we thought we’d “push the poor taste envelope” a bit and instead of just rounding up the weirdest things we could find on Amazon, we thought we’d round up the weirdest things we could find on Amazon’s sexual wellness section. For the record, after spending an hour or so “researching”, we’re not so sure about the “wellness” part. So although we’ve spared you the more offensive items, if you’re the least bit prudish and are looking for gift ideas, we recommend maybe checking out Amazon’s regular Cyber Monday specials. But if you’ve never delved into this section of their site – it’s buried under “Health & Personal Care” and items don’t show up in normal searches – then join us for a brief excursion to the real Island of Misfit Toys. And pray that the creepy nerd three cubes over who visits our site isn’t your Secret Santa. For the most amusement, try guessing what the items are before reading the details. Sometimes a flashlight is just a flashlight. Sometimes it isn’t.

	At first glance, you might think this is some kind of…um…dear lord. I dunno. A computer cooling fan? A “Think Pink” ice scraper? But no. It’s a Sliquid Sqweel Oral Sex Simulator. Knowing that, all I can think of when I see this image is a disgusting “luh luh luh” sound.
	Looking for all the world like a pacifier that was left on the dashboard of your car last summer, you may be disturbed to discover that this is in fact a Vibrating Turbo Suction Tongue Stimulator. Look. I don’t care if you use one of these, just promise me you won’t kiss grandma on Christmas with that perverted little mouth of yours.
	Looking for a new harpoon gun for your whaling vessel? Well, look somewhere else, because this is a Caesar 110 Volt Personal Pleasure Machine. I don’t know who would derive pleasure from this, but if this is their idea of pleasure, I’m sure a hundred ten volts will do the trick.
	It’s just a flashlight, right? Please, just be a flashlight. Nope. It’s a Fleshlight Pink Lady Stamina Training Unit. We’ve done you the favor of displaying the less offensive image. This could be a useful “message” gift for the partner who tends to “jump to conclusions”.
	It’s odd how Apple computer design seems to have influenced so many products. No, they’re not swimming goggles, it’s the Luna Balls Pleasure Bead System. I’m at a loss as to why they need any transparent parts, considering their likely destination.
	Form doesn’t always follow function, and this isn’t what you probably think. It’s the FroliCat Interactive Laser Pet Toy. Although I’m sure one could find other uses for it. It’s got a FRICKIN’ LASER in it.
	I know. You’re wondering why we included a high-tech coffee grinder in this round up. We’re not, we’re just continuing the pet theme for a second because I think the the Bionaire Odor Grabber Litter Box somehow fits. I mean, does the person who actually buys this think their cat wants to be an astronaut, or are they some kind of weird “cat scat” voyeur?
	If you read about the item above, the natural reaction would be “Oh for Christ sake! Not a URINAL for pets!” No worries, it’s a Drinkwell Platinum Pet Fountain. Until they figure out how to package bottled water for cats, this will have to do.
	So, back to the origanal theme. In spite of the “Silence of the Lambs” vibe going on here, the Humane Restraint Locking Bed Wrist Restraint set could actually be quite a practical purchase for after the holidays, when the credit card bills start rolling in.
	I feel confident in saying that no normal person – especially a woman – wants to see the words “vaginal”, “speculum”, and “beginner” all in the same sentence. Alas, we bring you the Vaginal Speculum Beginners Speculum Kit. The product description says it “takes playing doctor to a new level”. I think I’ll skip that level.
	Little Willy Condoms are another gift idea that could send a strong message. Look at poor little Willy pondering his little willy. So sad.

If your dad was anything like my dad, he walked 17 miles to work every day in 6 feet of snow, barefoot, with a headwind both ways, and ate boot broth soup for lunch, so he could make 13 cents a week. He also might look at you funny when you used a calculator to do some multiplication and say “Puh! We didn’t have them things in MY day“, and prove it by asking for some big numbers and then piss you off by easily multiplying pairs of two-digit numbers in his head. My dad could do pairs of three-digit numbers, but would have to stare off into space for a second mouthing and moving his finger in the air. My generation – on the whole – couldn’t do this, but seems to me to be a little more in possession of average intelligence across the board. But when I meet today’s kids, I don’t meet many “average” kids, they all seem to be vidiot savants who can’t spell but can ace you on any video game known to man or fix your wireless network, or Einsteinian freaks who get Montessori training, business and accounting tutoring, and therapy twice a week. I personally think this can all be explained by the toys we had or have. And I have to add that if you ever want to take control of my mind, set me loose in a toy store for about an hour, and after the spontaneous hypnotic age regression that occurs, I will be a pliable drooling zombie drone that will do anything you say. The same thing happens when I browse the doodads on Amazon, which I made the mistake of doing yesterday, and which led to this roundup of high tech toys I wish I had when I was a kid.

I’ll just be picking this “toy” up for myself, thank you very much.

Nerf toys got tired pretty fast when I was little, but that’s because we didn’t have a Nerf N-Strike Raider Rapid Fire CS-35 Dart Blaster. Although on reflection, Nerf toys that got boring really fast might get boring even faster if someone is machine gunning you with one of them. Along the same lines we have Wild Planet Dodge Discs, which at least have a bit a rethink of the idea, and with melon candy pastel colors! And speaking of a rethink of the “violent assault with spongey objects” idea, you can also piss off your overly-PC friends by shooting FOOD around with a Cheetah Marshmallow Shooter. It’s hip, it’s pink, it’s in a cheetah pattern. Lady Gaga could wear it as an accessory. Just you watch, marshmallow will be the new black. And speaking of shooting people, I have a theory that the recent generation of school shooting teens was the result of boomers not letting kids play with guns like previous generations did. I mean, most of my family and friends had guns all over the place, we shot them, I had all the toy guns a boy could want, and as an adult, I really don’t like them around, and I know why. So we have two more ideas for introducing war and violence into your kid’s life. First up: Battleship. In grade school, my best friend and I were MENSA wannabes, so although Battleship was one of our favorite games, we always wished there was another layer of action. We would have, er, killed for something like Electronic Battleship Advanced Mission. And since we live in a more cynical, more globally connected era, you might as well get the kids used to the horror of frag grenades and cluster bombs with toys like the Wild Planet Spy Gear Roll-In Blaster. I have to say, the company that makes that toy (Wild Planet Spy Gear) must be run by the NSA or something. They make some “questionable” toys, but they’re all also toys that my generation would’ve loved; I mean, who wouldn’t have died for a Spy Gear Motion Alarm or Spy Gear Lazer Tripwire to keep the siblings out of your room, an Educational Insights Sonic Sleuth to spy on your older sister or brother, or a Spy Gear Voice Scrambler for prank calling. I think my favorite of these Wild Planet “toys” is the Spy Safe Cracker, which includes in the main review the observation that “Parents may wish to consider the philosophical implications of a toy that teaches kids how to commit felonies, but even youngsters who are not preparing for a life of crime are likely to be entertained and challenged by this set“. Awesome. They also have Spy Gear Handcuffs, but I’ll just be picking a pair of those up for myself, thank you very much.

This is the kind of old geezer that always blocked the counter at the hobby shop when I was a kid

I was going to include something about how the crappy walkie-talkies in my day weighed two pounds and had a range of twenty feet, and how they now have wristwatch walkie talkies, but as I started typing, my seven-year-old nephew called me on his cellphone and I realized it was kind of a dead issue. I will say though, that as a kid, I would have been thrilled to have even a broken modern flip phone to “play Star Trek” with. I hate you children of today. I hate you. I also got sort of gypped the other way around; when I was a kid, radio controlled planes were the domain of adolescent old men who could dish out the several hundred bucks to buy one. The memory of these old geezers blocking the counter at the hobby shop to buy toys that were rightfully MINE is still fresh in my memory. I shake my now adult fist at you bastards! I hope all of your planes crashed, costing you thousands of dollars! But today we not only have radio controlled airplanes, we have freakin’ radio-controlled helicopters. And things that would’ve been AWESOME when “playing Godzilla” with our Hot Wheels and Matchbox cars, like radio control dinosaurs and tarantulas.

Cool, but it just doesn’t smell right.

One last item actually got me thinking about the realities of our petroleum-addicted culture: the Razor MX350 Dirt Rocket Electric Motocross Bike. As cool as it may have been to have one as a youngster, and as much as I love the idea of alternative energy vehicles, I also had flashbacks thinking about the dirt bikes that I had as a youngster. I can’t begin to imagine riding trails as a teen without the grit, petrol smells, and raucous noise of those things. I can see how that must have plugged into a lot of the boomer generation’s obsession with fuel inefficient monstrosities like Harleys and Hummers. But enough of my reminiscing and bellyaching…any toys you wish they’d had when you were a kid?

I’m not really sure what’s so stealthy about the EyeClops Night Vision Infrared Stealth Goggles, except that you’d be using them in the dark:

There’s something vaguely disturbing about the sausage-fingered yet effeminate hand model used for this spycam product shot….

…and something equally disturbing about this “Frequently Bought Together” suggestion:

I have what might be described as a poorly-manifested watch fetish. In the 90′s, I probably had two dozen watches. Fossils, Swatches, or any clever design that was in the discount bin near the checkout at stores like TJ Maxx. They all died slow, painful nightclub deaths of course though, and since 2001 I’ve only had one watch; the classic Museum Movado. Its simple functional beauty and reliability is unparalleled. I laugh every time I dodge the $80.00 “Movado Authorized” battery replacement fee and void the warranty at a nearby jeweler that does it for the cost of the battery: six bucks. But even though I’m not likely to go on another watch-buying bender any time soon, I love a cool design, and the right watch is a superb gift, so we’re rounding up some interesting watches to give you some holiday gift ideas. If you really want to impress that special someone, and money is truly no object, you might consider one of the watches from this selection, which is topped off by the Patek Caliber 89 at $5,120,000. In these lean times though, even the most affluent might consider gold, silver, or real estate before a $5.1 Million watch, so let’s think a little more reasonably. Amazon, for instance, offers the Breguet Classique Complications Tourbillon Messidor for a mere $131,669.99, which – before you complain – is $8230.01 lower than retail. But honestly let’s get just a little more real now. Personally, I’ve never been much of a Rolex fan; not even of the simple and classic Oyster Perpetual Explorer (only $4,545!). Somehow, it’s the very message of quality and stability that the watch conveys that kind of turns me off. However, this gorgeous collection of Rolex Explorers designed by Hiroshi Fujiwara for Bamford Watch Department might make me rethink things. While the original is a little over $4500.00, these redesigns are priceless. Literally. I couldn’t find pricing info anywhere. Moving from the outrageously expensive to the unique and peculiar, there are flat-out goofy choices out there like the Nooka Zub Zot SpongeBamo, the Flud Tableturns DJ-inspired model, or the Pac-Man Limited Edition Pellet-Time Watch (only 500 made, and it comes with the game for your PC). And then there’s the nerdishly intriguing but ultimately absurd, like the “let’s watch TV on your wrist” Ultimate Style 8GB Steel MP4 Player Watch with 1.8 Inch Screen or the Super Cool Mobile Phone Wrist Watch. I think we can rest assured that anything with the words “Super Cool” in the name probably isn’t. If you’re more of a do-it-yourself type, there’s the Pong Watch concept by John Maushammer. It may actually be in production at some point, but for now, he’s just sharing how he made it. If you’re a little compulsive about dates, you might consider the Everyday Special by Mr Jones Watches. At $210, the full year will only set you back about $76,650. Which of course was not their intention; Mr Jones actually does some cool watches (the Cyclops is pretty fun, for instance), and the idea of course, is to pick a date that means something to you, not cover the whole year. But enough silliness, if you’ve seen the kinds of hip and unique watch designs that pop up on gadget blogs or sites like BoingBoing, they’re almost always from shops like TokyoFlash, Nooka, or trendy lines like Diesel. And if you’re looking for the TRULY innovative, Trendhunter has a roundup that includes things like the Pierced Wrist Watch and the Seiko E-Ink Watch for women. Below are more interesting timepieces available on Amazon.

Tokyo Flash Men’s Pimpin Black Strap Watch	01TheOne Kerala Trance Binary	Nooka Zub Zenv Sponginvader
01TheOne Razor Block Binary	S+arck- Palindrome Too Watch	Diesel Men’s Blue Enamel Accented Stainless Steel

Everybody knows that the shopping that we do on Black Friday is really just a desperate attempt to get along with annoying relatives that are visiting for the holiday, which partly explains why per-shopper sales were down 8% from last year. The other reason those Friday sales were down is because everyone is slowly learning that the Monday after a holiday isn’t for getting back to work, it’s for shopping on line while getting paid. As a borderline socialist, I of course have mixed feelings about how much you shop today, but as an Amazon affiliate, I have a keen interest in helping you shop to your heart’s content. As long as you do it through our product links and search tools. To that end, I want to help you realize that Amazon sells more than books. Maybe you need some Liquid Ass Fart Spray, or have been looking for that perfect product to help you Stop Eating Poop. Or maybe you’ve been meaning to out yourself for a while, but haven’t had the nerve. Try some Man to Man Gay Attraction Body Mist to get things rolling, and if it is your first time, consider pulling out all the stops and picking up a Dr.J Anal Dilator Kit. Yes, Amazon has it all. Thinking of starting a war, or a business? Why not order up a Badonkadonk Land Cruiser/Tank or a NorTrac Bulldozer? The bulldozer will be handy for clearing the lot for your Self-Contained Branded Drive-Thru Kit. No more waiting in line at McDonald’s, and it’s only $89,000.00! Speaking of McDonald’s: as an American, you probably already know what fat looks like, but don’t let that stop you from picking up a Five-Pound Fat Replica. Interestingly, the “Frequently Bought Together” suggestion on that page lists “Five-Pound Fat Replica, One-Pound Fat Replica, One-pound Muscle Replica“, which is probably pretty close to the average American’s fat-to-muscle ratio. Moving along, if you’re looking for a gift for the nutjob conspiracy theorist in you life, give them a little peace of mind with a professional UFO Detector. As one customer shared in the reviews: “I purchased this item and am blown away by its effectiveness. I started this device up and immediately detected not one, not two, but five seperate UFOs in my immediate area. I am currently working on a way to communicate with what I assume is an intelligent species visiting our planet, but so far, I have been unsuccessful. I am waiting to see if this company will be selling a UFO communications device in the near future. If it is anything like this detector, I will be extremely happy. Thank you for a great product !” This same friend of yours may be interested in a copy of People Who Don’t Know They’re Dead: How They Attach Themselves to Unsuspecting Bystanders and What to Do About It , or perhaps Children of the Matrix: How an Interdimensional Race has Controlled the World for Thousands of Years-and Still Does. You think that books like these and How Green Were the Nazis?: Nature, Environment, and Nation in the Third Reich don’t make it onto Oprah’s book club lists because of the content, but it’s really just because the titles are too bloody long. And speaking of bloody, if you’re British, we’d just like to point out that the Cunt Coloring Book (maybe NSFW, unless you work in a gynecologist’s office) isn’t a book of pictures of your pals that you can color. And on that note, if you don’t speak English at all (and in keeping with the theme of ridiculously long titles) consider a copy of English as a Second F*cking Language: How to Swear Effectively, Explained in Detail with Numerous Examples Taken From Everyday Life. So you see, Amazon really does sell much more than books. And I defy you not only to come up with stranger items than I have, but to BUY THEM.

They also sell really BIG books. Bhutan: A Visual Odyssey Across the Last Himalayan Kingdom is 5 feet by 7 feet. And only $30,000.00!

Here’s a handy search tool to help you get started:

During the holidays, we probably all have moments in which we wish we could use some kind of Jedi mind control to alter the course of events. Well, now you can! It’s funny that while many of us struggle with the remote control, there are games for kids that are based on using neural impulses as controllers. For the low budget (and the perhaps the low expectations) we have Star Wars Star Wars Force Trainer. While it’s pretty cool, you might get bored with making a ball go up and down with your mind. You might as well drop the extra loot for Mattel’s Mindflex Game, which adds excitement to your balls by letting you build an obstacle course for them. And for the yuppie snob version of mind-control gaming, check out the OCZ Neural Impulse Actuator, which is designed to complement your mouse as a game controller. If you’d rather your game controlled you (and if you’re a little mentally impaired) you might enjoy Bop It!, which is a “modern-day, handheld Simon Says”, as the maker puts it. And if on top of your game telling you what to do, you like it to do all the thinking as well, check out the Radica 20 Questions Artificial Intelligence Game. This has been around for a while, but if you haven’t seen it in action, you’ll be disturbed by its accuracy, and probably wonder if the game has microphones in it and is connected to a remote answer-generating center run by humans. It’s pretty freaky. Sophisticated technology is being put to use in a lot of kids’ games; toys like Xtractaurs help brainwash your kids to accept genetic engineering by letting them do it themselves! If they hone their skills enough, maybe they can alter some hamsters and explore urban planning with the iMac-esque Zhu Zhu Hamster Funhouse(Hamsters Not Included, although for a hundred bucks more, they they can be*). Along those lines, if you fancy your kids to be more like media producers than consumers (and want them to actually use their brain a bit), there are toys like Ucreate Games & Artimationand Ucreate Music that let your kids mash up their own sound samples, images, and ideas to create games and music. If you think about it, raising a game developer might actually be a good retirement plan. For the kid (or nerdy adult) that has no friends (or maybe no arms), you could always pick up a Darth Vader Robotic Arm and a couple of Force Action Lightsabers. And lastly, since no game roundup is complete without something getting shot, we have the Duck Hunter Infrared Indoor Flying Duck Hunt Game. By the way, if you enjoy shooting ducks, check out this post from a few weeks ago. In any case, I’m hoping my Jedi mind control has induced you to buy something with those Amazon links; we need the revenue. Know of any cool high-tech games we should look at? Feel free to share in the comments.

Why wait ’til New Years for the ball to drop, when there’s the Star Wars Force Trainer

Much like the Hamster Funhouse featured below, the OCZ Neural Impulse Actuator doesn’t come with the hot chick in the picture.

The Radica 20 Questions Artificial Intelligence Game knows that whatever the question was, the answer is dissociatedpress.com

The iMac-esque Zhu Zhu Hamster Funhouse will look great with your kids’ genetically altered hamsters

The Darth Vader Robotic Arm is the perfect gift for the guy with no friends. Or no arms.

Duck Hunter Infrared Indoor Flying Duck Hunt Game would really benefit from a duck. That thing looks like a flying frogfish.

The Pew Internet & American life project says that about 30% of you are here for no real reason, so I’m here to give your Internet time some purpose. You know that nice feeling you get when you’ve decided you can afford something for yourself, you take a little time comparison shopping, and finally make the purchase? Isn’t it fun to take the item home, and if it’s clothing – try it on again – without the tags, or if it’s a new gizmo, mutter profanities about the bubble pack and maybe draw blood opening it, but then get down to playing with your new toy? It’s really a good feeling isn’t it? It can actually be very calming and gratifying. Well, it may just be the dopamine talking, but who cares? It feels good. And thanks to the wonders of the Internet, you don’t even need to move from exactly where you are right now to get this wonderful set of feelings. That little search tool below? It lets you explore all sorts of products, without leaving this page, and when you see something you like, just click on it, give the invisible Amazon Elves some magic numbers, and within a few days, voila! It’s delivered right to your door. Of course, before you engage in this kind of behavior (continued below)

you should make sure you’re not some kind of Oniomaniac. You can take a quiz to measure your Oniomania , and there’s support if it turns out you are indeed afflicted. I personally scored 13 out of 15, but the quiz had tricky questions like “Are you unable to resist a sale or bargain?” or “Do you get a high from shopping?”. I mean c’mon. Who can, and who doesn’t, right? This doesn’t mean we have a problem. Except the one that any shopper has at the beginning of the buying cycle, i.e.: Problem Recognition. And we recognize the problem, which is that we need to buy something. So go ahead. Do a little “Retail Therapy” right here and now. You’ll feel better.

Where are you in the buying cycle at this very moment?