Reindeer Games Rudolph Wouldn’t WANT To Join In

[ 1 Comment ]Posted on December 22, 2009 by admin in Holidays

Tuesday, December 22nd, 2009

For some, the holidays can be a bitter time. Especially for Flash game developers, I guess. Help Rudolph get revenge, and see how many employees Santa can slay with this weeks holiday-themed games of violence and vengeance. And what is it with game developers and spelling, anyway?

Finally, a reindeer game even Rudolph can
get behind. Or in this case, in front of.

Sadly, for some people the holiday season is a time of frustration, anxiety and resentment. And apparently, this is especially true for Flash game developers, who probably all grew up as misunderstood misanthropes who never got what they wanted at Christmas because their parents didn’t understand their genius. Well, they’re silently eeking out their revenge; we went looking for fun and happy holiday-themed games to keep you amused this week, but were surprised by how many were based instead on violence and vengeance. We could understand Rudolphs Kick n’ Fly, in which Rudolph kicks elves into the air (much like Kitty Cannon), because no one really gets hurt, and Rudolph has every right to be upset after the abuse he received as a child. But Rudolph’s Revenge is downright ruthless, with a scrappy, gun-toting Rudolph that looks like he’s been working at the North Pole meth lab for too long. And why does Santa need a gun? The truth is, both Serious Santa and Santa’s Vegneance tease your inner psycho with sinister Santas who look like they’re out for blood in intense first person shooters, and then the games actually serve up silly little pixelated Santas that only move in two dimensions. Jingle Ballistics is doubly misleading; there are no bullets, and not much jingle, just a choice of a snowman, an elf, or a sullen Santa for one-on-one boxing matches. In the continued mind-numbing search (I say mind-numbing because I for one really am not a gamer) for something a little chippier to keep you amused, we thought maybe we’d find a clever or cute snowball game like Snowcraft, and ran across a little journey into psychosis misleadingly called Snowball Holiday Flash Game. It took a minute to realize that the the weird things hanging in the viewframe weren’t curtains, but an anime girl’s hair, and the little penises that kept popping up Read the rest of this entry »

Holiday Time Killers

[ Comments Off ]Posted on December 14, 2009 by admin in Holidays

Monday, December 14th, 2009

Scanning your butt on the office copier just isn’t as much fun since all the layoffs, is it.

Scanning your butt on the
copier just isn’t as much fun
since all the year-end layoffs.

We quietly discontinued our Monday Demotivators a while back, partly because we figured that with the national unemployment rate hovering around 20%, there was no-one at work to actually avoid it. However, last week we got an e-mail from a regular visitor complaining that now that he’s the only one left in his cubicle farm, he needs time-wasters more than ever. So here are some quick holiday and winter themed time killers for you. Yeah, you could always Elf Yourself, but then you’re just advertising for Office Max without getting paid. Like we just did. Doh! For some reason, I’ve personally always loved Santa Toss. I think maybe it’s the yodeling, but there’s also a strange gratification in throwing Santa around, especially after all the times he’s let me down. And especially after the staff cuts he’s made. Yeah, it seems he fired all the Reindeer and replaced them with a chopper. As revenge, they cut a hole in the floor of it, and now the gifts are all over the arctic. Help him retrieve them with Present Hunter. I didn’t have much luck, but it was kind of fun crashing the helicopter 4 or 5 times. So, moving on…since there’s nobody around the office as a result of that year-end “force reduction”, you probably don’t get as much excitement out of scanning your butt on the copier as you used to. I mean, all the fun is in the excitement of doing it without getting caught, right? Well, bring back the thrills with Butt Scan. Unfortunately all that game does is let you scan your butt ’til you get fired, so it wears thin pretty fast. These holiday Flash games always have something violent or sexist to offer, so if you’re feeling a little cranky about the holidays, don your hockey mask and butcher knife and slaughter some helpless elves with Friday The 24th. And for the inevitable misogeny, touch a woman inappropriately to win imaginary money with Santa Girl. Tip: if you actually want to collect the money, touch her APPROPRIATELY. And if you found that last one especially offensive, don’t piss yourself over it. Pee in the snow instead. Because who doesn’t love peeing in the snow, and now you can even send a Pee-Mail! Here’s our little pee-mail message. We may be back next week with more holiday themed demotivators, so if you have any suggestions, pass them along. I’ll just be playing SnowCraft ’til then. Read the rest of this entry »

There’s More Than One Way To Stuff A Turkey

[ 1 Comment ]Posted on November 26, 2009 by admin in Holidays

Thursday, November 26th, 2009

Let’s take a moment to think about the 45 million turkeys that gave their life in the war against our hunger today. And after doing so, commence to shootin’ ‘em again.

We shared some more somber Thanksgiving thoughts here today, but if you were looking for somber, you’d be reading the emo blog whimperings over at xanga.com, right? We know you really just want something to kill the time while you do your best to appear mentally and emotionally present at your family dysfunctions for today, so we’ve rounded up some flash games you can play while you pretend you’re just checking text messages or whatever. We’ve observed before that there’s an odd tendency for Flash games to focus on doing cruel things to helpless animals, and Thanksgiving is no exception. First up, and probably least cruel, we have Turkey Fling, in which – you guessed it – you fling a turkey. Probably not as gratifying as Santa Toss, but there’ll be plenty of time for that in December. A little higher on the cruel curve we have Turkey To Go. If your bald turkey doesn’t collect feathers fast enough, he’s totally forked. And of course, no themed game roundup is complete without a first person shooter, so we have the aptly named Turkey Shoot. Careful though, they do. And if you’re an elficidal vegetarian who loves rave music but hates Christmas, you’ll love Xtreem Xmas Turkey. As a headless turkey armed with a medieval halberd, you slaughter angry elves, before they slaughter you. And if you’re such a Flash game-obsessed twit that you even get your cooking tips from Flash interactives, we have Cook A Turkey. So have fun, kiss grandma for us, and have a great Thanksgiving. Whatever you’re doing, you’re probably having more fun than the estimated 45 million turkeys being devoured across America today!

Last Minute Shopping?

[ Comments Off ]Posted on December 24, 2008 by admin in Holidays

Wednesday, December 24th, 2008

Not if we can help it.

Little known fact: the Hermie the Dentist
character was in fact modeled after me.

Not if we have anything to say about it. Here are some Christmas Eve morning distractions to help delay that last trip to the mall. You don’t have any money anyway, which is why the AIG Executive Catcher (Thanks, Scott) is so gratifying, in spite of the fact that all you do is grab AIG executives with a big claw. In the same vein, if you’ve been working your butt off and are still broke this holiday season, you’ll quickly understand Karoshi Suicide Salaryman (Karoshi is Japanese for “death from overwork”, if I’m not mistaken). On a more cheerful note, bet you can’t name all of Santa’s reindeer in under two minutes. No points for the one pictured here. Totally unrelated to the holidays, we have this annoying game, in which the only object is to not touch the edges. Harder than it looks. Or for those of you who actually like using your brain, why not try being an air traffic controller. The learning curve on that was longer than five minutes, so I just let a couple planes collide and moved on. And lastly: Think about clicking on some ads or on that “Donate” button in the upper right of every page. Or if you’re still hell-bent on shopping, just sit still for another minute and buy me something from the ever-annoying Amazon Wish List. We’ll be back later today with some actual content, gotta get to the mall!

Productivity Inhibitors – The Holiday Edition

[ Comments Off ]Posted on December 1, 2008 by admin in Holidays

Monday, December 1st, 2008

Wanna play Snowcraft? Do you have the balls?

Wanna fight? Make sure you have the balls.

It’s December, and you know what that means. Time to do stupid holiday-themed things on the Internet! Things like advertising for OfficeMax while sending your friends annoying cartoons of your head dancing on an elf’s body. Or spread holiday cheer by wasting twenty minutes of your life uploading headshot photos of you and your friends to Pear Tree Greetings. Apparently even YouTube is getting in on the holiday card action this year . Not feeling like spreading the cheer? You can always turn to other time-honored (and much more fun) holiday time-wasters like Santa TossElf Attack, or my personal fave (I think because of the sound) Snowcraft. And for the weepier, gentler sort, we have Winterbells, where lilting pizzicato strings play in the background while you make a cute snow bunny dance on bells into the sky…