A Yidiot’s Guide To Hannukah
[ 1 Comment ]Posted on December 11, 2009 by admin in Holidays
Friday, December 11th, 2009The closest a lot of Christian Americans come to religious tolerance is eating Hebrew National hot dogs at baseball games, but the fact is, Christmas wouldn’t be what it is without the influence of Jewish people. Especially that Jesus fellow.
 For some reason, George Bush really seemed to connect with the idea of the “miracle of the container of oil”. |
If you’re someone who celebrates Christmas because you’re, um, maybe a little bit Christian or something, you may wonder why you should concern yourself with the annual celebration of Hannukah. I mean, beyond being all Christian-like and tolerant of other people’s faiths and whatnot. Well, let’s take a moment to remember a few things, some of which you may already know, some of which will surprise you. First, you wouldn’t even have a saviour, if it weren’t for those Hannukah celebraters. Jesus was Jewish, you know. Very Jewish. And for that matter, if you believe what you read in scripture, the WHOLE WORLD might not be here if it weren’t for those folks who wrote the bigger part of your favorite book. Moses? Noah? Yup. Jews. So while you’re all busy being tolerant, remember that they were here first, and so actually they’re being tolerant. They don’t believe in your God man, but rarely give you any crap about it. In fact, as this Slate piece points out, they’ve gone out of their way to play nice and do the gift giving and tree thing. I don’t think Jesus recommended those activities anyway, but whatever. It’s the thought that counts. So if you don’t know anything about Hannukah, take some time to read up, kids. Because without the people that celebrate it, you wouldn’t have on the Levis you’re wearing while you sip that Starbucks coffee as you take a break from buying DKNY and Kenneth Cole gifts at Macy’s. And while you’re reading up, put on some nice Jewish music. This will be easy, because as we pointed out the other day, most of your favorite Christmas songs were written by Jews. Read the rest of this entry »
December Holidays: Pearl Harbor, Henry The Hand, And Human Rights
[ Comments Off ]Posted on December 6, 2009 by admin in Holidays
Sunday, December 6th, 2009After 51 weeks of filthy hands, finally some relief, and why I’d like to propose we combine Pearl Harbor Day and September 11 into a single holiday called Sway National Sentiment By Ignoring Intelligence Day.
December is – as we all know – probably the busiest month for holidays. Probably because in much of the capitalist world, it’s dark and gloomy about 18 hours out of every 24, so there’s nothing to do but try to make yourself feel better by eating, shopping, and stringing pretty lights and candles all over the place to ward off the depression. So we’ll get to the biggies like Christmas, Hannukah, and Kwanzaa next week, but before all the holiday cheer begins, let’s pause for a moment of somber reflection on Pearl Harbor Day, which has become an excellent time to remember the events of September 11, because, well, they probably came about in the same way. Of course, the average flag-waving American will probably want to wash their hands of any such talk immediately. This is convenient, because December 6th through 12th is National Handwashing Awareness Week. Which kind of leaves one wondering what the hell people do with them the other 51 weeks of the year. In any case, let Henry The Hand’s sniff test help you clean up your act and rid the world of the filth being spread by evil characters like his likely arch-nemesis, Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo. And much like the one week of clean hands a year, you’re also allowed human rights for a day on December 10. This seems to be a less-than-hot-topic for the UN; as of this writing their human rights home page makes no mention of the holiday, and the most recent item in the “news” section is from April. So just enjoy your silly human rights while you still have some. Like mom always used to say, “there are kids in [INSERT COUNTRY NAME] that are starving for human rights“. Okay, maybe I’m misquoting mom a bit. In any case, like we said, we’ll be back with thoughts on the “real” December holidays next week, but in the meantime we have several pages of shopping ideas for you. Oh, and don’t forget. Global Orgasm Day is coming. Read the rest of this entry »