High Tech Christmas Gifts I Wish I’d Received As A Kid
[ 2 Comments ]Posted on December 19, 2009 by admin in Technology
Saturday, December 19th, 2009With some random musings on why today’s kids shoot each other, why marshmallows are the new pink, and the fat old bastards who blocked my view at the hobby shop when I was little.
  Marshmallow is the new black. |
If your dad was anything like my dad, he walked 17 miles to work every day in 6 feet of snow, barefoot, with a headwind both ways, and ate boot broth soup for lunch, so he could make 13 cents a week. He also might look at you funny when you used a calculator to do some multiplication and say “Puh! We didn’t have them things in MY day“, and prove it by asking for some big numbers and then piss you off by easily multiplying pairs of two-digit numbers in his head. My dad could do pairs of three-digit numbers, but would have to stare off into space for a second mouthing and moving his finger in the air. My generation – on the whole – couldn’t do this, but seems to me to be a little more in possession of average intelligence across the board. But when I meet today’s kids, I don’t meet many “average” kids, they all seem to be vidiot savants who can’t spell but can ace you on any video game known to man or fix your wireless network, or Einsteinian freaks who get Montessori training, business and accounting tutoring, and therapy twice a week. I personally think this can all be explained by the toys we had or have. And I have to add that if you ever want to take control of my mind, set me loose in a toy store for about an hour, and after the spontaneous hypnotic age regression that occurs, I will be a pliable drooling zombie drone that will do anything you say. The same thing happens when I browse the doodads on Amazon
High-Tech Gadgets Put New Spin On Secret Santa Concept
[ Comments Off ]Posted on December 12, 2009 by admin in Technology
Saturday, December 12th, 2009Thanks to these affordable high-tech surveillance gadgets, your workplace Secret Santa Stalker sees you when you’re sleeping, and knows when you’re awake.
You don’t know it, but this holiday season there’s a special someone who has their eye on you. Of course you don’t know it, because they’re keeping that eye on you with an Audio-Activated Hidden Camera by BrickHouse Security®
A Yidiot’s Guide To Hannukah
[ 1 Comment ]Posted on December 11, 2009 by admin in Holidays
Friday, December 11th, 2009The closest a lot of Christian Americans come to religious tolerance is eating Hebrew National hot dogs at baseball games, but the fact is, Christmas wouldn’t be what it is without the influence of Jewish people. Especially that Jesus fellow.
 For some reason, George Bush really seemed to connect with the idea of the “miracle of the container of oil”. |
If you’re someone who celebrates Christmas because you’re, um, maybe a little bit Christian or something, you may wonder why you should concern yourself with the annual celebration of Hannukah. I mean, beyond being all Christian-like and tolerant of other people’s faiths and whatnot. Well, let’s take a moment to remember a few things, some of which you may already know, some of which will surprise you. First, you wouldn’t even have a saviour, if it weren’t for those Hannukah celebraters. Jesus was Jewish, you know. Very Jewish. And for that matter, if you believe what you read in scripture, the WHOLE WORLD might not be here if it weren’t for those folks who wrote the bigger part of your favorite book. Moses? Noah? Yup. Jews. So while you’re all busy being tolerant, remember that they were here first, and so actually they’re being tolerant. They don’t believe in your God man, but rarely give you any crap about it. In fact, as this Slate piece points out, they’ve gone out of their way to play nice and do the gift giving and tree thing. I don’t think Jesus recommended those activities anyway, but whatever. It’s the thought that counts. So if you don’t know anything about Hannukah, take some time to read up, kids. Because without the people that celebrate it, you wouldn’t have on the Levis you’re wearing while you sip that Starbucks coffee as you take a break from buying DKNY and Kenneth Cole gifts at Macy’s. And while you’re reading up, put on some nice Jewish music. This will be easy, because as we pointed out the other day, most of your favorite Christmas songs were written by Jews. Read the rest of this entry »
Oye To The World
[ 3 Comments ]Posted on December 8, 2009 by admin in Music
Tuesday, December 8th, 2009You may have heard dj BC’s Christmas mashups, but this year hebrews up a new mix that will help you feel like less of a menorah-ty. And to all you Christmas revelers who feel threatened: Chill. Your songs were all written by Jews anyway.
We’ve all gotten so used to the fact that the first songs you hear on the radio three minutes after midnight on Halloween are either “White Christmas” or “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” that we probably don’t even think about what it’s like to be Jewish around Christmas time. Sure, there’s Hanukkah, but it’s kind of a minor holiday, and historically didn’t have too many catchy pop tunes associated with it. Which frankly is a little odd, because a surprising number of songs that are considered Christmas classics were written by Jewish songwriters. Including the two just mentioned. Expanding on the list just linked to (and offering some free downloads), you might also check out Jewish You A Merry Christmas. But we’ve come a long way since the days when the only hip Jewish holiday songs out there were Adam Sandler’s Chanukah Song and Sarah Silverman’s Give The Jew Girl Toys. We’ve mentioned dj BC’s Santastic Christmas mashups before, but this year hebrews up a new mix with Menorah Mashup, so if you are Jewish, maybe you won’t feel like such a menorah-ty this holiday season. And it has the added Jewish appeal that not only do you not pay retail, you pay nothing at all! It’s a free download. If this were a commercial release though, the obvious single would be “Challahback Girl”, a mashup of Gwen Stefani’s “Hollaback Girl” and Frank Yankovick doing “Hava Nagila”. So dj BC has graciously provided an additional remix collection that includes both “Orthodox” and “Reform” mixes. That Menorah Mashup link above has the free download links, but if you want to preview the tunes, Exstatica.net has kindly provided the tunes as streams. Chappy Chanukah!
December Holidays: Pearl Harbor, Henry The Hand, And Human Rights
[ Comments Off ]Posted on December 6, 2009 by admin in Holidays
Sunday, December 6th, 2009After 51 weeks of filthy hands, finally some relief, and why I’d like to propose we combine Pearl Harbor Day and September 11 into a single holiday called Sway National Sentiment By Ignoring Intelligence Day.
December is – as we all know – probably the busiest month for holidays. Probably because in much of the capitalist world, it’s dark and gloomy about 18 hours out of every 24, so there’s nothing to do but try to make yourself feel better by eating, shopping, and stringing pretty lights and candles all over the place to ward off the depression. So we’ll get to the biggies like Christmas, Hannukah, and Kwanzaa next week, but before all the holiday cheer begins, let’s pause for a moment of somber reflection on Pearl Harbor Day, which has become an excellent time to remember the events of September 11, because, well, they probably came about in the same way. Of course, the average flag-waving American will probably want to wash their hands of any such talk immediately. This is convenient, because December 6th through 12th is National Handwashing Awareness Week. Which kind of leaves one wondering what the hell people do with them the other 51 weeks of the year. In any case, let Henry The Hand’s sniff test help you clean up your act and rid the world of the filth being spread by evil characters like his likely arch-nemesis, Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo. And much like the one week of clean hands a year, you’re also allowed human rights for a day on December 10. This seems to be a less-than-hot-topic for the UN; as of this writing their human rights home page makes no mention of the holiday, and the most recent item in the “news” section is from April. So just enjoy your silly human rights while you still have some. Like mom always used to say, “there are kids in [INSERT COUNTRY NAME] that are starving for human rights“. Okay, maybe I’m misquoting mom a bit. In any case, like we said, we’ll be back with thoughts on the “real” December holidays next week, but in the meantime we have several pages of shopping ideas for you. Oh, and don’t forget. Global Orgasm Day is coming. Read the rest of this entry »