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Jolly Diwaliween & Other Politically Incorrect October Holiday Ideas

[ Comments Off ]Posted on October 17, 2009 by admin in Holidays

Saturday, October 17th, 2009

Did Diwali sneak up on you unexpectedly again this year? No worries, we have a solution. And like last year, the scariest thing about Halloween is probably the economy.


The author of this article is an alien
and is not offended by this costume.

If you missed the fact that Diwali was a little earlier in October this year, we have a helpful tip. With Halloween only two weeks away, just carve your pumpkins early, stick candles in all of them, and celebrate “Diwaliween”. Just so you don’t make the same mistake in the future, here are the dates for Diwali through 2022. Also on the 17th this year, we have that dose of artificial sweetener called “Sweetest Day”, which – although charming on the surface – was actually created by businessmen in Cleveland in 1921 to sell candy. With equally shallow sentiments, we have United Nations Day on the 24th, when – much like the rest of the year – United Nations members aren’t. By the way, Diwali wasn’t the only celebration we almost overlooked; in case you weren’t aware that there’s energy, October is Energy Awareness Month. For those of you who need all your information in the form of an interactive Flash game, EnergyStar has graciously complied. Because you know, simply listing things would be boring. Who knew that turning off the lights saves energy? Personally, I think they could’ve saved a lot of energy by firing the person that created that interactive graphic. Still to come this month, we of course have Halloween. Last year, the scariest thing about Halloween was the fact that Ben Bernanke and Hank Paulson were in charge of averting global economic collapse. This year, the scariest thing is that they don’t seem to have fixed much; retail sales appear to be down about 18% for the season. Perhaps if retailers like Target stopped offending middle-income liberal elitists by selling tasteless “illegal alien” themed costumes, sales would improve. We’re not offended, so in the interest of a healthy economy, we’d like to point out that although Target pulled the product, Amazon and others haven’t. Buy one today. Read the rest of this entry »

Hank Paulson Could Sell An Ice Cube To An Eskimo

[ 1 Comment ]Posted on September 16, 2009 by admin in Politics

Wednesday, September 16th, 2009

And he sold Bush a bailout that Bush didn’t understand. But can he sell you a book?


So Long, And Thanks For All The Crocs!

I guess the fact that Hank Paulson is releasing the book On the Brink: Inside the Race to Stop the Collapse of the Global Financial System in 2010 should instill in us all a comforting feeling that the financial crisis is well behind us now. Well, it doesn’t. It does however, instill in some of us the feeling that Paulson is a greedy self-engrossed bastard that is so out of touch with the reality of those of us that are paying for his spectacular destruction of capitalism as we know it that he thinks we’d buy his book. Or be able to afford it, for that matter. It also – along with the impending release of Bush speechwriter Matthew Latimer’s Speech-less: Tales of a White House Survivor – makes for some hilarious pre-release reading. The only thing that might give you a better laugh than Latimer’s self-aggrandizing piece in GQ is Wonkette’s reaction to it. My favorite excerpt is when Wonkettes’s Juli Weiner takes Latimer’s passage “Paulson was supposed to be a nonideological, pragmatic, sensible type. He was bald with glasses and had a scratchy voice that sounded like he had a thousand-dollar bill caught in his throat” and translates it as “Paulson loved eating money. This is why the economy became so bad, because he ate all the money, we’d write. Because that’s what we were told.” Taking a more serious tone, the Vanity Fair piece Henry Paulson’s Longest Night rambles on in an almost surreal attempt to build compassion for Paulson by telling us what a tough job it was for him to hoodwink Washington with his buddy Bernanke and then sweep their frightening mess under the rug using the veil of secrecy provided by being in charge of the Federal Reserve. Probably the most gratifying thing in this piece is when the author describes Paulson throwing up in the next room while he talks about Nancy Pelosi. I can’t wait for more of the continuing flood of these opportunistic and treacherous “insider views”, but so far the most interesting thing I’ve learned from Latimer’s, Paulson’s and Tom Ridge’s tell-all sellouts is that Bush wears Crocs*. Read the rest of this entry »

Halloween With Ben & Hank. And Bert. And Ernie. And A Sheep

[ 3 Comments ]Posted on October 18, 2008 by admin in Holidays

Saturday, October 18th, 2008

More horrifying than a $700 Billion Bailout

For many, one of the most horrifying things this Halloween will be simply knowing that Hank Paulson and Ben Bernanke are the guys in charge of managing what may be the greatest financial crisis in America’s history. Embrace the horror with these creepy (and expensive) Ben and Hank masks. Okay, so maybe your 401K’s taken a beating and you don’t feel like dropping eighty bucks for a one-time gag. Using little more than ping pong balls, transform yourself into a surreal Homer Simpson, or a somewhat satanic version of Sesame Street’s Bert & Ernie. Still on a reasonable budget, especially if you’re on the OB/GYN team at the local hospital, is this inventive birth in progress costume. You’ll probably want to have a high comfort-level with your costume partner though. Speaking of comfort levels, I wouldn’t recommend spending too much time sitting down if you’re wearing this whoopee cushion getup. And lastly, I can’t help thinking that you’d have to be quite a sheep lover (in more ways than one) to come up with this one.

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