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America In Decline: 10 Reasons You Should Start Studying Mandarin TODAY

admin — Thu, 28 Jun 2012 05:24:39 +0000

A long time ago, I managed a Chinese restaurant for a couple of years, and found myself quickly adopted as a sort of Honorary Asian. I have to say, I honestly feel much more at ease with a lot of the cultural vibe of Chinese people than that of most American people. I won’t bore you with all the reasons why; but this will certainly come in handy in the impending econopocalypse. Someone observed back in the late 90′s that if China kept buying US treasury bonds at the rate they were, they’d own them all by 2018. But as a result of our self-destruction as a country over the last fifteen years or so, this has become kind of a moot point. China is now routinely discussed as a possible replacement for America as the world’s next superpower. The US dollar as the global standard for currency exchange is no longer a de facto assumption, and the trade balance between the US and China is… well…let’s just say that if the two countries were Facebook friends, their status would say they’re “In a relationship, but it’s complicated”. But I’m not here to get granular about the specifics of China and the US in relation to global finance, I’m here to help ease you into the future, by pointing out in broad strokes the things that have made it more or less inevitable that soon we’ll all be celebrating the New Year in February, buying our groceries with Yuan, and speaking Mandarin. At least the smarter of us will be speaking Mandarin, anyway. You’re much more likely to end up in management that way. So if you need to bone up and take things beyond the “ni hao” and “xie xie” stage, they say Fluenz Mandarin language software is the latest and greatest. But it’s also almost 400 bucks (about 2500 Yuan), so you might want to check out the trusty old Rosetta Stone, at a mere 150 bucks (or 950 Yuan). Anyway, below are the things we did to ourselves, and the reasons you may just want to sign up for that Mandarin class NOW.

Financial Services

This is the one that’s probably going to kill us all, so let’s tackle this first. Money is probably the closest thing we have to a “commons” these days, and we all know about the Tragedy of the Commons. You see, back in Ye Olden Days, if Ug needed some fire for his cave, he might go over to Grok’s place and trade him a few dead possum for a lit torch, or a shiny rock for his girlfriend. This later became a little more civilized, and their descendants Jeb (who didn’t know how to milk cows) and Josh (who didn’t know how to forge a plow) would do similar trades, and sort of knew that they both needed the actual ground that they walked on and the water that flowed through it, or they’d die.

Later, some smartypants convinced everybody they needed a boss, and commenced to governing them. Not long after that, an even smartypantsier guy came up with the idea that dragging sheep over to Jeb’s place every time you needed a bunch of the nice sweaters his wife made was kind of silly, and suggested that everyone agree that they could use pretty metal coins as the means of exchange in place of the actual objects. Of course, everyone wanted pretty metal coins, and once you had a bunch, you needed a safe place for them, and VOILA! Banking was born. This guy was even cleverer than that though. He pointed out that since pretty metal coins were heavy, and since he was keeping them all safe in one place for you, it wasn’t much of a stretch to issue little pieces of paper to represent the coins.

We all know where this leads. Pretty soon, the Banker guy is creating all sorts of imaginary money just by signing sheets of paper and saying “ABRACADABRA” or “In God We Trust, All Others Pay Cash”. The most modern form of this sleight-of-hand-slash-pigeon-drop is known as “Financial Services”. The “service” provided is that when you give all your money to the banker, he’ll go spend it all to get himself deregulated by the government, so he can do all sorts of foolhardy gambling with it. He actually will make billions, even trillions of dollars, but he’ll do it with doomed Ponzi Schemes, and along the way he’ll tell you you’re not a good enough person to borrow any of it. Later, when the whole thing falls apart, he will have made so much money that you barely notice that he saves a few mil for himself as he rightfully insists that life as we know it will cease to exist if you and your offspring don’t bail him out. And with a bigger loan than you would have ever DREAMED of asking HIM for.

But before long, it won’t matter how many dollars changed hands. Because by that point we’ll actually be calling them Yuan. As I type this, the Chinese Yuan is worth about 0.1573 US Dollars, which makes the old Hawaiian rhyme “Ching chong Chinaman sittin’ on a fence/tryin’ to make a dollar outa fifteen cents” especially poignant for the moment. But soon, you won’t care how many dollars equal a Yuan, because the dollar will no longer be the global standard for currency exchange.

Lobbyists & Think Tanks

It’s pretty comical that the average person devotes any time at all to thinking about who they’re going to vote for and what the reasons are. Why think, when think tanks have done all the thinking for you? They’re much better at it than you are, and once they’ve decided on the best way to get you thinking about whatever they want you to think about in the way they want you to think about it, they’re going to get you thinking that way. That’s why you care more about gay marriage and abortion than the fact that the Supreme Court picked your president for you back in 2000 or that the country is umpty bajillion dollars in debt. Once they have YOU thinking the way they want, they turn things over to the lobbyists, who get the politicians thinking the way they want, basically by buying whatever legislation the think tanks wanted, just in case you don’t actually vote for it with all that democracy and freedom you’re so proud of. The upside under Chinese rule? There’s pretty much only one think tank, and it’s called the National People’s Congress. And it pretty much rubber-stamps all its decisions.

Baby Boomers

You can complain about Generation X or Millenials all you want, but it’s the Boomers that wrecked it all, just by being so damn plentiful. If you haven’t done the math yet, there will soon be about three times as many retirees trying to collect Social Security checks as there are younger working people paying into the system. This makes it inevitable that the biggest Ponzi Scheme in history will collapse; there was already a $46 billion deficit in 2011. Politicians have known this for decades, but if they had bothered pointing it out, they wouldn’t have been able to gouge your paychecks in the guise of paying into the system, when in fact the money was going to pay their salaries, pay for wars, or whatever else needed cash injections. That’s why GOP think tanks started calling it your independent retirement plan back in the 2000 election cycle. If they let you think about “Social Security”, you’d get all pissed, but by putting the onus on YOU, we now have the bizarre result that the average working stiff is against receiving their own benefits, contemptuously calling them “entitlements”. This is all less of a concern under Chinese rule, since EVERYBODY gets all the benefits they want, because NOBODY REALLY HAS MONEY IN THE FIRST PLACE.

Religion & State

Want more church in your schools, and more God in your government? Try moving to Saudi Arabia, Iran, or Medieval Europe. Those are examples of what life is like when you get all religiousy in politics, and the separation of the two was one of the most intelligent things about America’s founding documents. On the bright side, since Chinese rule has a few decades of being atheistic, the worst they’re likely to lay on you is some Buddhist or Confucianist thinking, which doesn’t have many specific rules about dancing and gay marriage, last time we checked.

Duocracies and Duopolies

Do you like Coke, or Pepsi? Verizon, or AT&T? Democrats, or Republicans? The polarized, black and white, red vs. blue, “for us or ag’in’ us” thinking that has overtaken the American dialog and paralyzed our government and made all consumer choices between “Shitty Thing A” and “Shitty Thing B” will no longer be a concern once we’re all speaking Mandarin and making electronic components for foreign countries. This will also be a blessing at the supermarket, since we’ll no longer have thirty-seven toothpastes to agonize over.

Homeland Security

Do you remember how weird it was when they announced the new “Department of Homeland Security” shortly after 9/11? No, I didn’t think so. I’ve always been astounded by how few people picked up on the Hitler-and-Stalin era vibe of the moniker. In my opinion, Bush may as well have donned a little moustache, gone on the air and said “Vee haff cree-ayeted ay noo dee-partment to PROTECT ZEE BELOVED HOMELAND!” while straddling a V-2 on Pennsylvania Avenue. Well, now that we’ve had the TSA anally probing us for ten years, and AT&T has eternal license to tap all our phones and web connections, we should feel right at home under the oppressive watch of our new overlords.

Manufacturing & Trade

All you so-called “patriots” that have been belly-aching about how we sent all the jobs overseas to slave labor cities can finally shut your yaps, because all that manufacturing will come back home under Chinese rule, except WE’LL be the ones with the bleeding fingers, making iPhones for twenty cents a day, and living on rice gruel.

Prison & Education System

It’s pretty impressive the way America shifted all the money away from education and into the prison systems without anybody noticing. And pretty handy too, if you’re planning a new totalitarian state.

Health Care & Energy

These are two things about America that probably astound the world. The former, because although we basically created the whole idea of modern health care, pretty much no-one here has any, and the latter because we not only created the machines that made us addicts to the oil that runs them, we have the natural resources and ingenuity to fix the problem, but rather than collecting energy from the sun to power things, we use coal to generate the electricity to run our air conditioners to protect us from the heat the sun beats down on us 365 days a year.

Branches of Government

We could prattle on here about how the brilliant balance of government put in place by our forefathers is just a big shitshow once the president routinely invokes executive privileges, congress holds someone in contempt weekly, and the Supreme court is an active partisan wing of government that shapes elections, but that would be boring. Besides, this will be yet another benefit of the single party system that will guide our lives once we start paying our rent in Yuan.

Jeff Daniels probably put it all pretty well in this clip from The Newsroom:

Ironically, he later said they weren’t trying to make a big statement, they were just trying to create a good show.

Media Control & Citizens United

Remember back in The Before Time when we’d laugh at Russia’s TASS news agency and the way they would print the most seemingly absurd things, like “Russians First on Moon“? Well, today we’re Russia. And TASS is FOX, or CNN, or MSNBC. Don’t kid yourself that Fox has cornered the market on propaganda as journalism. Rachel Maddow and Bill Maher are just as full of crap and useless to you as Bill O’Reilly. Sadly, if you want accuracy in reporting, you have to turn to Comedy Central. Everybody in the world knows this except us, because they’ve been dealing with political control of media for decades, if not centuries.

Combine the narrow control of a few media conglomerates with legislation like Citizens United, which gives corporations the same rights to free speech as humans (except that most humans can’t afford to spend a billion dollars on TV time to promote their preferred candidate) and you essentially have elections that are sold to the highest bidder. And the highest bidder doesn’t give a rat’s ass about whether or not your kid gets an education.

Am I A Racist, Sexist Bastard?

admin — Thu, 27 Jan 2011 02:47:31 +0000

Today I watched President Obama’s State of the Union address with a friend who – and for the record, this would ordinarily be irrelevant – happens to be black. The reason this fact is relevant in this case is because – as a result of talking about the address – we were both reminded of how racist we really are. I’ll explain why in a bit, but first, a little background. I’m in the demographic that largely comprises the teabaggers of America. I’m a white male over forty with a reasonable education who is not what you’d call affluent. However, I’m not one of these guys, and I’m generally about as color blind as a person can be. My most overt forms of racism are usually directed at “my own kind”, i.e. white male business people. Partly because they are often predictably sexist, and at least moderately judgmental based on race, if not in fact secretly racist. But also because over the last couple of decades much of my professional work has been with people from various cultures that are not white American. Specifically: Arab, Central European, and Asian. The basis of a lot of my jabs at white business men is the fact that so many of them frankly have no trust or honor whatsoever in their dealings, and always want some kind of contract. They’ll also never put up a fight when you offer to pay for lunch. To me, these are two harsh reflections on a person’s basic character. I pass on a lot of business because of this mentality, but I’m quite happy being a little reverse racist in my work life if it means not having to do business with people who will never trust me. One more piece of relevant background information is that I live in one of the most culturally diverse cities in America, and that is in fact the only thing I really like about this place. Because if I head about ten miles in any direction, I’ll literally be standing in a corn field. And if I head to the house nearest that corn field, the person who answers the door is likely to be in that teabagger demographic I mentioned earlier. So now that I’ve established my credentials as a card-carrying member of the United Colors of Benetton Generation, let me ask you – if you happen to have voted for Barack Obama – the question my friend asked me. And try to be really honest with yourself… If Obama had campaigned with all the same promises and in the same articulate manner, but had been a white man with a name like Bob Roberts, would you have voted for him? When my friend tabled this question, I jokingly put on a Scissor Gang Mafia pose and in my best Ali G voice said: “You only ask me that question ’cause I are black”. We had a little laugh, then I thought about it, and said “I guess not”. If the choice had been between some white guy spewing Obama’s rhetoric and Hillary Clinton, I probably would have voted for Hillary. Which I then realized makes me racist and sexist. I was voting for change, not a candidate, and change meant “not a white male”. I’ve had other interesting conversations that highlight some of the stealth racism that still exists in abundance in our lives; years ago I worked in a restaurant that had a very tight and family-like, culturally diverse staff. One evening someone started a series of questions that went something like “You’re walking down a city street late at night, and a white man in a business suit is walking toward you on the sidewalk. What do you do?” You then take the same scenario and put a black man in a suit, or a young white guy in a hoodie in it, and so on. You pretty quickly realize that no matter what race you are and how open-minded you think you are, you make a hell of a lot of decisions based on race. And unfortunately, this problem runs much, much deeper than any of us in America like to think. Although satire like Ali G or this Onion News parody (video also below) – in which a judge dictates that a white female teen murderer be tried as a 300 pound black man – can put a thin veneer of humor on the topic, the fact is that – running much deeper than the more obvious forms of racism in daily American life – there’s a vast and entrenched subculture that few are aware of, and fewer discuss. I’m referring of course to America’s racist criminal justice system. If you don’t think there’s still a profound race problem in America, read this piece (unfortunately on HuffPo) by Michelle Alexander, author of The New Jim Crow: Mass Incarceration in the Age of Colorblindness . You may be shocked by the numbers, and her observations about how “Jim Crow” racial segregation laws have been replaced by mass incarceration as a system of social control, and how we haven’t ended the racial caste system in America; we’ve simply redesigned it. I’ve only skimmed the book, but Alexander’s thorough and academic examination of issues like how America’s “War On Drugs” appears to actually be an intentional tool for social stratification throws a lot of our correctional system and urban crime problems into an entirely new light.

Who Discovered America?

admin — Sat, 09 Oct 2010 03:10:34 +0000

This painting always makes me think of
Eddie Izzard’s Do You Have A Flag routine.

Thanks to the three-day weekend many people will enjoy because of the fact that Monday is Columbus Day, this topic is bound to come up in conversation, so we thought we’d help you out. First, don’t bother Googling it. You’ll get several pages of rambling articles and opinions. This is one of those times that WolframAlpha came in handy. See for yourself (image below). Yup. Asians walked across Beringia way before any Europeans made the trip by boat. How simple was that? So, now that we know that the first humans arrived in North America around 14,000 years ago, we can move on to other interesting questions, like “well, who was second then?” and “why the heck do they call it America, anyway?” and “so why do we keep celebrating Columbus Day, now that the facts are in?” In order, the answers are the Vikings, no-one is sure but we assume it’s because of Amerigo Vespucci, and that last question? Probably because it would take congress years to pass the legislation to abolish Columbus Day even if public sentiment were strong enough. Which it doesn’t appear to be, at least according to this 2009 Rasmussen poll. Personally, I think a poll like that may be skewed by people not wanting to lose a three day weekend, and that we should at least celebrate something different, like “Jesus Christ When Did They Start Advertising Christmas BEFORE Halloween?” day. And although I lightheartedly shared some of my thoughts on this topic last year, I really do believe we should do away with the tradition, partly for simple historical accuracy, but more importantly because 1/8 of me is descended from the people that ended up being called “Indians” and were then nearly annihilated by those who followed in Columbus’ brutal footsteps. If you’re also of a mind that we could do away with Columbus Day, I don’t know what to tell you. The most organized group addressing the topic – Reconsider Columbus Day – didn’t update their site this year. Let us know if you know of anything besides this petition. Last year’s video below.

Eddie Izzard’s “Do You Have A Flag?”

The Terrorists Have Finally Won

admin — Fri, 10 Sep 2010 03:16:45 +0000

It’s hard to believe it’s been almost ten years since those airliners crashed into the World Trade Center. Harder still to believe that America’s psyche still seems to be reeling from the events. I like to think that we’re not a bunch of Chickenshit Crybabies, but I never seem to see evidence to the contrary. Don’t tell me again about the tragedy of the nearly 3,000 people that died that day. Over 100,000 people have died as a result of the bizarre and poorly conceived invasion of Iraq that was made possible only through the perverse manipulation of American sentiment and ignorance in the wake of the attacks on September 11, 2001. Whenever I think about the symbolic hole of sorrow and tragedy in New York City that is slowly becoming a building once again, I think of Warsaw, and how in spite of the fact that the Nazis wiped out more than 85% of the city, the Poles chose to restore as much of it as possible, in some cases completely recreating entire buildings, and using as much of the original material as possible. Here in America, we spent as long debating what to do and duking out the details in court as the Polish did rebuilding an entire city. The recent debates about the “mosque at ground zero” and the attention the press is giving that fucktard in Florida are in my opinion simply more evidence that America needs to get up off its collective ass, wipe the tears from its eyes, and show some dignity. Until then, I’m sad to say that those 19 Sauds achieved much of their goal, and bumpkins like Terry Jones are only helping wave the flag of their victory.

Cynicism Is A Sorry Kind Of Wisdom

admin — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 11:22:54 +0000

Do You Think The Obama White House Can Fix Health Care?	YES
	NO

This is not a scientific poll

It’s rather poignant somehow that it was Barack Obama who said that on the campaign trail. The statement implies a kind of positive hopefulness that is one of the key reasons I voted for the man. I struggle with a certain cynicism about the current administration though; I wonder on occasion if I’ve been duped again by a clever campaign, and I wonder, as I’ve said before, if President Obama is doomed to a Carter-like presidency; a fairly decent man, swimming in the shark tank that is Washington. However, the confidence and clarity of his health care speech last night (full text, single page here ) reinvigorated some of my flailing hope for change in the capitol. I’m almost ashamed that his remark that “I am not the first President to take up this cause, but I am determined to be the last” made me think of Clinton, who would’ve prided himself on the ambiguity of the statement, in that he’s not claiming to fix the problem, he might just be the last president to try. I’m not fundamentelly cynical, but I think that to not be cynical about politics is naïve. And although on an individual basis with humans I’m one of the most hopeful people you’ll meet, the ongoing “Brady Bunch Dividing Line” that some American citizens have drawn between themselves seems irreversible, and completely immune to rational thought and discourse. Especially when we have a desperately struggling, profit-driven news media fanning these attitudes at every turn. So a speech like President Obama’s speech last night keeps me going, even if one of the most inspiring lines in the speech was written by Ted Kennedy: “What we face is above all a moral issue; at stake are not just the details of policy, but fundamental principles of social justice and the character of our country.” If we can remember as a country that our real, deeper American values are those regarding a certain character based on decency and reason, we’ll be alright. And I thank the president for reminding us of that. What do you think?

It’s idiots like Representative & Heckler
Joe Wilson that help keep me cynical:

Read the whole speech here if you missed it.

Speaking of cynical, here’s a way to keep you on the site for an hour.
Watch the speech, and while you’re here, click on a few ads, will ya?

Will Greentech Equal Greenbacks?

admin — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 05:45:52 +0000

I was talking to a friend today who was reconsidering her possible future in environmental work because of quite reasonable concerns about what may happen to the economy in the near future. I hope that in spite of (or maybe because of) these economic concerns, she and others stay focused on the idea of developing a clean & green future for America. I personally believe that our current economic woes could be the motivation to shift the paradigm and put the country back on track as a leading innovator. It seems I’m not totally crazy; Barack Obama promised during his campaign (and stayed on message in his recent radio/web address) that he intends to invest $150 billion to “build an American green energy economy” in the belief that as well as creating 5 million jobs, it is in fact the only way forward in the current energy/economic environment. It’s nice to see that there seems to be an international consensus – Brazil is committing to reducing Amazon deforestation by 70%; in Hawaii (that’s a country, isn’t it Sarah?) there are plans for an electric car network; BMW is looking for 500 lucky field testers for their Mini EV, and in the general picture, green technologies have enjoyed an astounding 1400% increase in investments since 2001. There are so many great ideas busting out (and nice sites like CleantechGreentech.com with great info on the topic) that it’s almost impossible to keep track. Some of these ideas are really simple, but game-changing. Things like Crowdsourced Green Venture Capital Funds. Anybody have a positive story about greentech economics to share?

We Used To Call It America

admin — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 12:31:18 +0000

I like to dream that some day we’ll have green and yellow and orange states. The mind-numbing simplicity of our blue and red ones is killing me. Am I a flag-burning weepy artist type who wants to hug a tree while I tax the hell out of myself so I can have decent health care and feed the lazy, or am I a wealthy, heroic, bomb-dropping entrepeneur whose family is proud they haven’t paid a penny in taxes since 1930? Am I a cool jock type who plays football and gets the chicks even though I treat them like crap, or am I a nerdy, philosophizing art-school dropout who’s single ’cause I still feel badly about that last girl? Am I popular, pretty, and stupid? Or am I an outcast, a little different-looking, and snobbishly intellectual? Am I red, or am I blue?

Well, frankly…neither. I’d probably live in the brown state (some muddle of all the basic color options), where we found a balance between having enough for ourselves because we were motivated, and taking care of others because we were actually kind in nature. Where inventiveness and a “maverick” spirit led to anti-gravity cars and an actually healthy way of living, rather than an obsession with archaic combustion engine technologies, holes in the ground spewing black oil, and a lifestyle of gluttony and excess that inspires bizarre medical practices like liposuction.

Or the spectrum state (rainbows were co-opted by special interests a long time ago), where people of different beliefs and lifestyles respected a simple common value: respect others’ beliefs, and when you disagree, discuss things reasonably.

Oh, wait. We used to call that America.

Ford’s Having A Fiesta, But You’re Not Invitado

admin — Mon, 15 Sep 2008 03:20:23 +0000

Have you driven a Fjord lately? The Ford Motor Company is proudly introducing a new 65 mpg Fiesta in November. But guess what? You can’t buy it (for the record, I flipped the image at left so you could imagine it on an American road). This is apparently an ongoing trend, with only two cars available in the states that get more than 40mpg. If you really want an American-built car that gets this kind of mileage, you might try a 1949 Crosley Hot Shot or any of the other beaters on this list. Alternately, you could just give up and move to Europe. You just might be able to justify the move with the fuel cost savings from one the fuel-efficient Europe-only vehicles reviewed here. By the way, a little parting shot for any smug-faced Prius owners that might be reading: a non-hybrid BMW just kicked your butt.

Eat Like a Caveman

admin — Sat, 19 Jul 2008 14:56:55 +0000

Hey America: are you fat, lethargic, stressed out, and always suffering minor ailments? Well, stop thinking like a caveman and start eating like one. I didn’t realize it until a friend pointed it out to me, but except for massive amounts of chocolate, coffee, and cigarettes, I eat a Paleo Diet. And I feel great. Our friend George pictured here has it all wrong as usual. Lay off the corn, for starters. Otherwise, the basic idea is simple: we only started eating many common foods with the advent of agriculture about 10,000 years ago, and evolution hasn’t had time for our organism to adapt to the diet. Therefore, eat things like lean meat, fish, vegetables, fruit, roots and nuts, and don’t eat so many grains, beans, and dairy products. Also watch the salt, sugar and processed oils. For recipes and lots of links to other resources, visit PaleoDiet.com. Friends of mine who actually subscribe to the specifics of the diet say not to be obsessive about it; as soon as you start lowering your intake of grains and dairy a little, you actually start losing your appetite for these foods. The same friends also recommended The Paleo Diet: Lose Weight and Get Healthy by Eating the Food You Were Designed to Eat. Happy hunting, grunting and gathering!