With the amount of time that seems to have been put into compiling lists of last minute Halloween costumes, it’s not surprising that they’re in such demand. It’s sad though; if the people that put together the lists had just gotten busy making their costume, this whole cycle could have been averted. If you’ve ever been in a last minute panic trying to create a Halloween costume, you may be familiar with that sick childish feeling of futility, the feeling you might have gotten as a kid when your mom forgot to plan ahead, and at the last minute is acting all martyrous while cutting holes in a sheet thinking she’s doing you a favor, when all your friends are dressed up in slick Darth Vader and Hello Kitty costumes. This last-minute thing has had both good and bad outcomes for me. One year everyone loved my “evil priest ” outfit, which only required putting a white square on the collar of the black shirt I always wear anyway. Somehow the “evil” part just came naturally. Another year, my date and I didn’t dress up at all, and for reasons I still don’t understand, everybody kept guessing that we were Legolas and Arwen from “Lord of the Rings”. I mean, it’s not like I was wearing a Legolas wig or anything. In any case, we’re here to help ease your last minute anxiety. We already shared the 15 Most Offensive Halloween Costumes we could find, but it may be too late for those. Halloween is only a week away as I type this, and with rush shipping that would be one pricey little penis costume. So what are your options? Well, you could always stick a paper bag over your head and go as The Unknown Comic, but for people under forty, he’s probably more unknown than ever. So lets explore the internets. There are hundreds of useless lists like this one on CollegeHumor.com which are just searchspam or really bad attempts at humor. Example: they suggest “Walk Signal” as a costume and then tell you to wear Christmas lights and stay in a “walk” position all night. Or this list from Halloween.com, which is apparently for people who don’t like to do a lot of work, and don’t mind doing a lot of explaining. It starts off with “Carry a quarter and a hammer. What are you? A Quarter-pounder!” *rimshot*. For some actually useful ideas, this Fox News piece from a few years ago had a few, including a mummy outfit, which only calls for gauze. LOTS of gauze. Or Clark Kent: just dress up like the dork you already are, but wear a Superman t-shirt underneath. And there’s a huge user-submitted list of Fast and Simple Last-Minute Costumes (reasonably useful, but annoyingly spread over several pages) on About.com. Things like the Biker Costume, submitted by “kuntrygrl94″, whom I can only guess was just listing what she was wearing at the time. Got any good ideas yourself? Feel free to share. Below are a few “Buy it on Amazon” vs “Do it Yourself” ideas. Happy haunting!

The “Unknown Comic” Costume Is Available In Both One & Two Bag Versions

Do It Yourself vs. Buy It On Amazon

Male Stripper	The tempation to say “shirt not included” is overwhelming, but oh c’mon. This is a Costume? I don’t know about you, but I wear this kind of thing around the house every day.
Mummy Costume	Why spend over thirty bucks on a Mummy Costume when you get the same results with a “family pack” of Charmin?
BP Means “Bad Planning”	This Bad Planning BP Oil Spill Costume from Amazon might be a waste of your hard-earned money. I mean, who doesn’t have a dead fish and a pipe wrench laying around the house. What? Those are extra?
Legolas Costume Wig	Go ahead and spend twenty bucks on a Legolas Costume Wig. Just don’t be surprised when everyone compliments you on your Hansons costume.
Jersey Shore	I think I need to watch more TV. This Jersey Shore theme was one of the most common suggestions on many of the “easy last minute costume” lists. If this is a costume, I’m just gonna borrow it from the guy at the gas station down the block.

I like to think of Halloween as a fairly light-hearted affair; a time to either just get silly, or for the more repressed amongst us, to live out our secret selves. The latter probably being a good explanation for why so many supposedly straight men seem to get so enthused about dressing up in drag. My tradition tends to be to think up all sorts of great costumes well ahead of time, forget to create them, and then improvise at the last minute. One year this resulted in my putting on a black turtleneck, black pants, and attaching socks and underwear all over to go as “Static Cling”. If you’re ever in a last minute jam, remember – you can always grab some ping pong balls, shave your head, and go as Homer Simpson. But unfortunately, in these tense, post-politically correct times, some people have to take everything seriously. Last year’s controversy about this offensive “illegal alien” costume remains a pertinent issue this year, thanks to the alarmist and paranoid Texas Terror Baby crowd. I personally don’t find that costume all that offensive; certainly lowbrow and in poor taste, but hardly something to get up in arms about like the people making comments in the product reviews . I was fairly confident that we could find something much more offensive, and the internet didn’t disappoint. Below is our roundup of the 15 most offensive costumes of 2010. Feel free to share any of your own.

Illegal Alien	The costume that sent me on my mission.
Genie in the Lamp	This one is bound to rub someone wrong.
Third Leg	Please note that wearing this is likely to decrease your chances of getting a date by 87%. And if you do get a date, the disappointment factor when you “get busy” will increase by an equal percentage.
Funny Nasty Flasher	Sure, you probably already have a flesh-colored body suit and trenchcoat in your closet, but according to the description, this costume also comes with a wig and an “impressive member”. “Censored” sign and batteries not included.
Down for the Count	Oh. I get it. “Down for the Count”. Aren’t we clever. Too bad that on top of being kind of a revolting costume in the first place, the inflatable oral companion looks like a 12-year-old girl. They should’ve just gone all the way and made it a priest costume.
Country Loving Funny	If you live in a rural area, this costume is clearly a waste of money. But if you live in an urban area, you know how hard it is to find willing sheep. Especially willing sheep in fishnets.
Big Pink Vagina	The temptation to say something like “douche not included”, is overwhelming, but apparently it is. It’s you, when you decide to buy and wear the costume.
Mens Sexy Doctor	Oh please. I wear this getup at least once a week. I’d hardly call it a halloween costume. Besides, you can swipe all of the costume components at any “public health” clinic. Not that I spend time in public health clinics or anything.
Hung Like A Horse	See “Third Leg” costume, above. On a positive note, the orientation of the horse head makes it clear up front that the wearer of the costume is a horse’s ass.
Droopers Waiter	Because of my age, at least half of my friends – whether men or women – wouldn’t need this costume. By the way, the image is misleading. It doesn’t come with the wig, the sunglasses, the tray, or the dishes.
Sperm Bank	Confusingly, you would again have to be a bit of a douche to wear this one. Consumer protection notice: The purchase agreement didn’t make it clear whether or not you’d be penalized for early withdrawal.
Private Parts Penis Head	I know plenty of men that this would be perfect for, but frankly (heh. I said “frank”) this looks more like the chef hat you would be required to wear if you worked at Dick’s Mountain Oyster Bar.
Plumber	It’s unfortunate, but in the case of at least two-thirds of Americans, the response to this costume would be “hey, I thought you said you were dressing up for Halloween this year”
Junk In The Trunk	This one at least puts a little bit of a humorous spin on the big butt theme. Maybe this one and the one above would be a good “his & hers” theme. Just add Sir Mix A Lot.
Happy Halloweenie Penis	Are you noticing a recurring theme here? I guess this one would be better for the man who’s a total dick, and not just a dickhead.
Gross Accident Pants	Is there more that can be said here? Depends.

Ben Quayle’s Gonna “Knock The Hell Out Of” Washington

Unlike his dad Dan, who got the “hell knocked out of him” with one line from Lloyd Bentsen*

*Of course, there was that little matter involving a “potatoe”, but…

1.) People of color will play a significant role in the outcome.

Avatar has aroused a lot of discussion about race and class around the world, and some people will be VERY upset if this non-white nominee wins. I don’t think Obama’s nomination caused suicidal tendencies though.

2.) A powerful woman may win, but an arrogant man in her past may impact the outcome.

Kathryn Bigelow probably deserves to win for Hurt Locker, but her arrogant ex-husband could easily muck things up for her.

3.) There may be a deranged man in a wheelchair in the audience.

Although Peter Sellers didn’t win, he was nominated for Best actor for his multiple roles in Dr Strangelove. The comparisons between Dick Cheney and Sellers’ character were inevitable when Cheney showed up at the inauguration in a wheelchair.

4.) In spite of presenting itself as a fair contest, a powerful group of insiders control the outcome.

This has always been true, but oddly the presidential campaigns have been a little more transparent since 2000, when only nine people elected the president, and not much fuss has been made since then. On the other hand, the Wall Street Journal points out that the Oscar nomination process is significantly flawed. And you can bet that Board of Governors makes a lot of phone calls this time of year.

5.) Gay men throw the best parties.

This is just a safe general rule. But the best Oscar parties I’ve been to were thrown by gay men, and this was also true of the best post-election parties I attended in 2008. For some reason most of my gay male friends were a LOT more engaged in politics in 2008 than in the past.

I have to admit that as much as I love film (and I DO love film, with a passion), there’s still a level of film fetishism that I don’t really grasp. Sure, I’ve watched Blade Runner over 200 times, but who in their right mind hasn’t? No, I have to draw the line at things like dressing up as a character from a film. At least when it’s not Halloween. Which is why I’ll never understand the legions of Star Wars Storm Troopers that convene on a regular basis, in full battle regalia, and at their own considerable expense. Or the people who maintain Wookieepedia. Or people that create web sites that tell you the best times to pee during a film. At the same time, I have to admire the dedication this kind of thing requires, especially in the case of the people behind a project like The People vs. George Lucas, the new documentary about the poor souls whose lives were destroyed by the numerous changes Lucas made to the original Star Wars Trilogy on re-release. The producers of the film put it this way: “The People vs. George Lucas explores the titanic struggle between a Godlike filmmaker and his legions of fans over the most popular franchise in movie history. At its core, PvsG is the examination of a high-profile, dysfunctional love story. George created this humongous and intricate sandbox for us to play in; but is he the sole owner of it, or does it now belong to the ages? And what happens to your role as a creator when your audience claims it owns your art? We basically looked at the conflicted dynamic between George and his fans from a cultural perspective, and asked ourselves those questions.” Although I’ve yet to see the film, I think a simpler assessment may be in order. Maybe it’s just a bunch of web-enabled misanthropic fanboys venting the rage that used to be confined to their smelly bedrooms, but which – thanks to the power of crowdsourcing – must now be endured by the entire world. I jest of course; it promises to be an amusing film, and makes its debut at SXSW 2010 the week of March 12. See the teasers above left and below.

The The People vs. George Lucas 2010 Trailer:

The South Park kids have been on top of this since 2002

Because we all know what happens to Storm Troopers when George Lucas gets his hands on them:

These people scare me a little…

But some would argue that Femtroopers make up for it all:

These are actual member stats from the 501st Legion. Let’s hope they don’t have a fire!

While it’s usually the concept cars that grab a lot of attention at the Detroit Auto Show, this year, it’s the REAL cars that are stealing the show. And there’s probably a message in the fact that two of the biggest stars at the 2010 Show are companies that didn’t accept bailout money to float the top-heavy, profit starved, gas-guzzling monstrosity that is the Detroit auto business. It’s inspiring that amidst the rather bleak economic environment that is Michigan, there’s a lot of hope and inspiration for a smarter, cleaner future for the industry, and Ford in particular is leading the way. After being the only of the big three to refuse bailout money last year, they were also the only one to enjoy a 33% sales rise in December! Now, they’re sweeping the auto show in a big way; their Fusion Hybrid and Transit Connect won the North American Car and Truck of the Year respectively. While the Transit Connect is neither hybrid nor electric, it’s part of the One Ford initiative, which will – among other things – bring the hipper fuel-efficient vehicles previously only available abroad to the states. Like the Fiesta, which we complained about some time ago. And there’s another unexpected force making a splash this year: The Chinese BYD hybrid. Go ahead and sneer at a Chinese-made car, but if you’re old enough, you may remember back when Japanese products were the low-quality laughingstock of global markets, and we all know how that ended up. BYD is no factory town upstart; one of the company’s major backers is Warren Buffet, who describes the company’s CEO Wang Chuan-Fu as a cross between GE’s Jack Welch and Thomas Edison. This CNN Money piece explains how the guy has so much faith in his company’s commitment to a green approach that he’ll drink the cars’ battery fluid to drive the point home. In my opinion, this is capitalism at its best: tough times driving innovation. And although the Transit Connect may not be a “chick magnet”, as Ford CEO Alan Mulally has suggested, this more in-depth Business Week piece gives you some insight into why Mulally’s vision may just turn Ford back into a world leader. Though they may have to fight with the Chinese to pull it off.

The Transit Connect may not be a “chick magnet” as Ford’s CEO suggests, but it’ll be great for running your Boo Boo Busters Babyproofing service…

And it looks like BYD is getting the concept. The “stick the hot model next to the car” concept, that is. Please note that not only is it a green car, they’re maintaining gender balance with the hot models:

The laptop in the movie wasn’t too far off from today’s laptop…

…but the desktop looks like a 70′s TV. At least the AI computer on the right is the size of a refrigerator; that just might be possible before you and I are dead.

It’s hard to believe this guy rebooted a computer that you can float inside faster than Windows reboots. But on that note, I’d be happy to wait for Windows to do its crashy thing if I could do it in zero G.

All in all, 2009 wasn’t so bad. It was better than 2008 anyway, which was – according to many sources – the worst year ever. And it has the perk of being the end of a pretty scary, if un-nameable, decade. So tonight, we might as well party like we only do once in a blue moon, because, well… it is one. Personally, I’ll be observing a moment of silence for the folks that had built an industry around those New Year’s Eve party glasses with the zeroes as the eyes; they’re screwed. I’ll also be wishing I wasn’t so strapped for cash, because I’d go buy the domain howdoyousay2010.com and set up a single serving site. For now, you can just visit TwentyNot2000.com for similar results. So how DO you say 2010, anyway? Everybody was so anxious for the “oughts” to be over so they could start saying “teen”, but no-one seemed to remember the fact that the first three years of the teens aren’t. Aren’t teens, that is. 10, 11, 12 —fully one-third of the decade doesn’t end in “teen”. Oh well, we have a couple of years to figure that out, and then it won’t matter anyway, right? So have a blast tonight whatever you do, just don’t overdo it. We’re looking forward to an ever better time in 2010, how about you?

Whenever someone asks me if there are any foods I don’t eat, I always forget to mention hot dogs, because, er, frankly, I don’t think of them as food. Although I’ll eat one once in awhile, I put them in the same category as Twinkies or a McMeal Deal: a thing I will chew and taste and swallow if there’s no actual organic matter around. But ignore my foodie pretensions. This is America, and it’s National Hot Dog Month, for cryin’ out loud. So grab a white bread bun, some French’s mustard, and stick a wiener in your mouth. To make sure you’re doing it up right, download a copy of the 2009 Hot Dog Month Planning Guide (6.1MB PDF), and to satisfy your appetite for tube steak knowledge, grab a copy of Frank Facts About Hot Dogs while you’re at it. They use appetizing phrases like “meat trimmings”, “stainless steel choppers blend the meat”, and “processed intestines” to further seduce you. And did you know that Americans will eat about 2 billion hot dogs this month? If we did our math correctly, those hot dogs laid end-to-end would reach 189,393 miles, which is about 4/5 of the way to the moon. So, while July 22 is National Hot Dog Day, I think the National Hot Dog & Sausage Council needs to hire a new PR firm. Although they had enough savvy to create a Facebook Fan Page and a YouTube channel PETA already seems to have stolen their thunder by protesting on Capitol Hill July 16. And since we’ve given so much time to wieners and dogs today, let’s give equal time to breasts and monkeys with the Breasts Not Animal Tests game. I scored 33,375 points, but the breasts just came too fast at the end. Got any interesting hot dog or sausage links to share?

Foot long? Try 196 foot long!