Book Retrieval Porn

Too Much Coffee Cat is always
on the lookout for clever
alternative uses for coffee.

As a result of the great coffee connoisseur explosion of the last decade, it seems everyone has become something of a coffee expert. This means that everyone probably also knows all the cool alternative uses for coffee, from gardening, to pest control, to air freshening. If you don’t know all of them, just search “”; the same exact list seems to have been cut-and-pasted ten thousand times in a caffeine-induced re-blogging frenzy in an attempt to rank in Google for that search phrase. You also can’t impress people any more by sharing trivia like how Beethoven counted out 60 coffee beans each day (which probably explains the more frantic passages of his 9th symphony), or shock them with the fact that another alternative use for coffee is to eat and poop the beans, a use that is only exceeded in its peculiarity by the fact that you can buy the resulting beans on Amazon for four hundred bucks a pound. Oh. And make coffee with them. Although I find it a little annoying that guests will no longer drink the coffee I serve them unless I tell them the story of its organic source and artisanal roaster, there has been at least one positive side effect of this coffee snob explosion – I haven’t heard anyone say “expresso” for at least three years. So anyway, if you’ve carried this trend to its logical conclusion – i.e., the shade grown, hand-harvested, Kopi Lewak cold brew made with beans that were hand-roasted one at a time by virgins in Tuvalu and topped with a foam made from Siberian white tiger milk and flash frozen with liquid nitrogen, you may think your work is done, and that there is nothing more to learn. And you would be wrong. Below we’ve rounded up five more peculiar uses for coffee that you may not have heard of. You may want to skip the last one if you’re planning to eat soon, or if you have a mouthful of coffee that you might spew over your computer keyboard or mobile device.

The Carpuccino	The Carpuccino is a 1988 Volkswagen Scirocco that has an EPM (espressos per mile) rating of 56. That probably explains why coffee hasn’t ended our dependency on foreign oil; although an avid coffee drinker like you or I might consume 56 shots of coffee without moving more than a mile, we might expect more from a car. Even if you only had a twenty-mile round trip commute each day, that’s 1120 espressos. At typical Starbucks prices, this would set you back about 1500 bucks. If you can figure out how to order, that is. I’ve never mastered the whole “twenty is bigger than big” thing, myself.
Robot Coffee Hand	Only the caffeine-addled brain of an MIT engineer could have conceived of the the robot coffee hand. Imagine the poor soul tossing and turning all night, wondering how to improve the clumsy grip of robotic hands, and the “eureka” moment of their deranged insomnia, when they become convinced that a balloon filled with coffee is the solution. When you’re a genius of this caliber, it’s hard to make friends, which is why they then proceeded to teach it how to play darts.
Making Plastic	Because, you know, the world needs more plastic, right? Oh wait. It’s bioplastic. This is actually kind of cool. Apparently researchers in Hong Kong are exploring methods for recycling the region’s annual 4,500 tons of spent coffee grounds into everything from plastics, to medicine, to laundry detergents. Which would definitely put a new spin on the proverbial Chinese laundry service. Would you like those shirts regular? Or decaf?
Feed Your Pet Germs	It seems that addicts like us aren’t the only creatures who can survive on caffeine alone. Researchers have identified a microbe called Pseudomonas putida that thrives specifically on caffeine. This may not seem like an especially useful trait for anyone except impoverished entrepreneurs or hard working computer programmers, but the byproducts from breaking down caffeine are natural building blocks for drugs that can be used to treat asthma, improve blood flow, and stabilize heart arrhythmias. These compounds are hard to produce in the lab, so using the bacteria’s unique enzymes could aid with pharmaceutical production.
The Coffee Enema	Look, we don’t make this stuff up, we just report it. But what can we say about coffee enemas that hasn’t already been said? Not much. Except that we haven’t tried one, and have no immediate plans to do so. But the branding is pretty much ready to go.

First of all, tumblr, duh. Although my first impression of it has stayed with me (An impression that was summed up well by the message left when they were hacked back in December 2012; see screenshot below), it has been obvious that it was in no danger of losing steam. And in fact, it enjoyed 218% growth between June 2010 and June 2011, and 248% growth overall since 2006. What isn’t obvious in this awesome collection of data about social media websites is the fact that of all the sites graphed, tumblr is the only one that is youth market driven. Pinterest has exploded too, but not nearly with the same volume, and not specifically with a younger demographic, and Pinterest’s user base is typically estimated to be as much as 70% women. This TechCrunch piece from yesterday explores some of what makes tumblr tick, but like any booming social network, if you ask ten actual users what it’s about, you may get ten very different answers. Like it or not, tumblr has legs, and unless Facebook acquires it, it will probably keep growing for some time.

And second? How about the “death of social” altogether? This has been my (absurdly rushed) prediction since about 2006, when your grandma got broadband and Rupert Murdoch bought MySpace. In fact, I’ve been hoping we’d push it even further, and see a bigger movement toward the “unplugged” lifestyle. But alas, the best we can do right now is unplugging from “social”. When an influencer like Chris Brogan posts a piece called I’m Not Into Social Media, you know something is up. Of course, part of what is up is that he wants to sell you the secret to the next big thing. But he also is talking a lot about actually doing things. In reality. And doing them for reasons. Crazy, right? That’s a big part of where I’m personally headed with MY “social” strategy. And I think a lot of us are headed that way. Technology in general and digital media in particular are awesomely rewarding and inspiring things, but only insofar as they enhance our lives. And a crap ton of digital media lately has become the same kind of distraction that TV has been for decades. Maybe I’ll see you IRL. I’ll welcome your interruption from probably having my nose pressed into my tablet.

Here’s what the hackers posted when they defaced tumblr back in December. Part of it kind of sums up how a lot of us felt about it, at least in its early days:

Obviously, S-Mart would be the
IDEAL choice, but Army of
Darkness was only a movie.

Have you ever pondered what you would do in the event of global civic and economic collapse? Back in the day, the end of the world scenario was simple. The only thing we had to worry about was those evil commies and their a-bombs. But we’ve come a long way since then; these days it could be anybody from the North Koreans to Wall Street Bankers to our own government that’s trying to deprive us of our God-given right to free speech, pizza, and Netflix. And never mind those obvious threats, if things really fall apart, our greatest enemies may be us. Maybe you think I’m just talking crazy talk here like one of those survivalists or preppers, but nothing could be further from the truth. I agree. Those people are NUTS. Why in the hell – if you were planning for the end of the world – would you spend so much hard-earned dough on stockpiling provisions in your own home? It just makes your otherwise poorly-fortified house a target, since at least a few of your neighbors have seen the thirty cartons of baked beans and three hundred gallons of water in your garage when you take the mower out to mow the lawn. Nutty, nutty people. Nope, I personally decided a long time ago that the best place to be when the world ends is a chain store of some kind.

A pharmacy wouldn’t be a bad choice; people always want drugs, maybe even especially want them when the world is ending. And if it’s a chain pharmacy, there may be some other useful supplies. Likewise with petrol station convenience stores. Fuel will be in high demand. You’ll benefit as long as you can protect the supply, and as long as it lasts. But once you’re out of gas, and have eaten the last frozen burrito, well, meh. You’re sunk. And pity the fool that works in a fancy store like Saks or Prada. Yeah. Those’ll be some hot commodities. Everyone needs an Armani suit and a Movado when the world is ending. So clearly, we can eliminate about 99% of the options right off. That’s how we made the selections for our roundup of the 5 Best Places to Work When Armageddon Arrives. Clearly, the only smart choice is a department store. Let’s rate them below. Ratings are based on basic apocalypse needs:

Here’s how they rated:
	Major department stores – whether high-end or midprice – were the first we checked off the list. Sure, if you hole up in a Kohl’s or JCPenney, grandma will be able to find some nice casual suits, and the bathroom, food prep, and sleeping areas will look great, but try defending a fortress from marauders with spatulas, shower curtains, and five-piece cooking sets. At higher end stores you also might be able to have great skin and smell nice while civilization crumbles around you, but you wouldn’t survive the first day.
	Okay, now we’re getting somewhere. Food, camping gear, medical supplies, apparel, but nope – not much in the way of building supplies, fuel, or weapons. A Paula Deen Signature 14-pc. Cutlery Block Set just won’t cut it for real combat. Sorry Target.
	About the only thing K-Mart would have going for it when the end is nigh is that you’d have an easy line of sight in most directions, thanks to the anemic inventory most locations maintain these days. A definite loser in the food categories, and about the only thing they have in the way of weaponry is the Whetstone HY-017C Airsoft Rifle. At close range, the sting of a paintball will at least piss off your attacker.
	Costco has just about everything you need for fortifying your post-apocalypse last stand, and now that the world is ending, you don’t even have to be a member to benefit! Unfortunately, the closest thing they have to weapons is probably the nailguns in the hardware section. On the bright side, at least you’d be in good company; Costco is often rated amongst the best companies to work for in the US.
	What Sam’s Club lacks in selection, they make up for in sheer volume, which is actually what you want in this kind of scenario. However, the Archery “Starter Kit” they sell is probably not very lethal without major modifications. Your best bet for defending a Sam’s club location is probably to line the perimeter with the food sampler staff. The invisible force field around people offering free food samples will generally frighten away even the most battle hardened.
	Meijer was a close runner up; although their selection of weapons consists mainly of paintball guns much like K-Mart, Meijer is the only superstore to stock any kind of motorized vehicles. And with a few basic modifications, the Swisher 60-Inch Zero Turn Riding Mower could be a truly formidable weapon.
	Ladies and gentlemen, I think we have a winner. Amongst all of America’s “superstores”, Walmart is the only one that shamelessly sells high powered rifles and shotguns. As an added bonus, they probably have the most disgruntled employees of any company, anywhere, and that kind of added angst can make the difference when defending a post apocalypse stronghold.

THIS HAPPENED TO BE October 3rd Was Ted’s BIRTHDAY BORN and RAISED and OTHER THINGS IN CALIFORNIA, UNITED STATES OF AMERICA! Ted WAS BORN October 03 of 1959 and this in French Camp NEAR Stockton, California, USA! Ted WAS 37 Years Old WHEN HAVING AN INTENSE LOUD SPIRITUAL CLEAR 40 Days and 40 Nights In and On a Sailing Yacht When Ted Was Living In and On and Aboard of MUCH LOUD SPIRITUAL FROM COVERING ARCH ANGEL then of MICHAEL! Then Many Royal and this Angels From Heaven and Ted’s About 100 People Spiritual Females Living Things FROM Ted’s IMPRESSIVE PALACE! Then Other Things of Spiritual Things of Males and Females and even to then In and On and Around Heaven then Physical People and Humans INCLUDING THEN David and Solomon! Too then Original Cherub Angels of Light to Angels Of Light! Then MUCH WITH ROYAL PRINCE ANGEL of then RAPHEAL! Then Other Royal Angels. Then ROYAL PRINCE ANGEL OF GABRIEL!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY Ted! From Highest of Zosts Royal Parliament and Others of Zosts Royal Parliaments and to Of Zosts Specific Of!

The slightly disturbing thing – as I discovered when I continued to dig around and found Ted’s YouTube channel – is that Ted’s writing style fairly accurately reflects his speaking style. This is the first of Ted’s videos on his latest YouTube account:

All in all, I found around ten active domains that Ted has registered. Aside from the YouTube channel, there were several that had “™THE QUESTS IN BUSINESS.COM™” in bold red letters at the top, even if that wasn’t the actual domain you were on. And aside from more of the, um, interesting sort of stuff quoted above, some sites talked more about Ted being God, while others talked about his upcoming movie, while yet another – thingstodownload.com – talked about, well, things to download. But one thing that seemed to remain consistent is that Ted generally refers to Ted in the second person, as if he thinks he’s Bob Dole or something. Which he clearly doesn’t; from all accounts, he doesn’t think he’s Bob Dole, he thinks he’s GOD. Or does he? Well, according to “Alleee and Franc” of Insolitology.com he does. They appear to have done some due diligence, even digging up old Ted Is God content from Archive.org to back up their various assertions. Nice try, “Alleee and Franc”. This is clearly Ted trying to throw us off the trail.

So after wasting an hour of my life Googling and doing reverse WHOIS lookups, I can’t tell if old Ted is just another Internet Crank like Art Bell, or a bonafide genius like the Time Cube guy Gene Ray or time traveler John Titor. Or if he’s a crazed internet marketer, a viral campaign for a down on his luck moviemaker, or in fact a messenger from God after all.

Up For The Challenge?

Feel free to help me out here. Here’s the evidence so far. Can you piece it together?

First of all, Ted wants you to know he is NOT GAY. That page is rich with photos and information. I’m sure an internet sleuth like you can figure it all out from there.

Ted’s no noob; not only does he have a YouTube channel and a MySpace page, the dude has been around since GEOCITIES existed!

Aside from those links and an Encyclopedia Dramatica entry, all I have for you is a handful of domains and some registrant info. Frankly, I didn’t even know “GENERAL DELIVERY” actually worked as a mail address:

Domain Registrants

The Trusts of Ted
GENERAL DELIVERY
San Diego, CA 92101
Phone: (619) 400-3709

Ralph Kurts, Ted
GENERAL DELIVERY
San Diego, CA 92138
Phone: (619) 400-3709

The Domains

TedIsGod.org

This one seems to have the greatest breadth, with a detailed table of contents.

TedIsAComingOfGodToEarth.org

ManyConquests.com

QuestForStandardOpenSecuresoft.com

TheQuestsInBusiness.com

These all seem to be the same, and mostly seem to be plugging a movie called “HomeLess!™ – Movie”, slated for release March 1, 2013, but they all also proclaim “This is Fertilizing and Incubating and Starting Up and to Raising and Growing and Increasing Things Of Business! ”

QuestEclipseIt.com

While this also references the “Quests In Business” theme, it additionally offers a “Business Overview” which clearly states “Different of THE QUESTS IN BUSINESS. This is About Ideas and Idea Development and Testing and Designing and Prototyping Products and or Services In Business. Then If Top Try then Fertilizing and Incubating and Developing and Starting Up to then Spinning Off From Here is Plan.”

ThingsToDownload.com

This one focuses on, er… things to download, of course.

QuestSystemsLinux.com redirects to QuestForStandardOpenSecuresoft.com

TedRKurts.com redirects to TedJesusChristGod.org, which is “Under Construction”

Oh, and a real live “TED TALK”, before he adopted the full-blown Grizzly Adams look:

The Epson R2000 is probably quite
adequate for the task at hand.

Have you ever wished you could just print your own money when you need some? I mean the US government does it, why can’t you? Well, the simple fact that you can may surprise you. Most of the laws that make printing your own money illegal have to do with printing someone else’s money. If you print off a bunch of US hundred dollar bills, there’s a really good chance you’ll end up in jail. Even if you’re just a brilliant aging artist who’s really just obsessed with doing a good job. But the fact is that as much as the people (and by “people” we mean banksters and politicians) who make it their entire life’s purpose to reap personal benefit from screwing you over a fictitious commodity would prefer that you think otherwise, in most of the states in America, there is nothing stopping you from creating your own fictitious commodity and using it for every day commerce. In fact it’s already happening with varying degrees of success all over the country; there are about 150 currencies on this Wikipedia list of local currencies, from the Berkshire BerkShares to the Detroit Cheers, to the Fairfax Fairbuck. And aside from these physical currencies, there are huge economies evolving right now that are entirely digital, like BitCoin or Ripple, and recently, even Amazon is getting in on the “let’s make our own money” game with Amazon Coins. I personally find it ironic that the people who claim to be the only ones who know how to manage currency and the economy are the ones who have made such a mess of both. All the while somehow managing to maintain their own hordes of cash and liquidity. Okay, actually it’s not ironic at all, we’re just a bunch of ignorant suckers who are taking part in the biggest con in the history of the world. Aren’t you getting tired of it? So let’s take things into our own hands. We couldn’t do any worse than the goons at the Fed, could we? And the time is ripe for a paradigm shift. One of the core problems with global economics right now is that speculative wealth is entirely untethered from the real-world resources that create it. There is a literal monopoly on the production and control of currency and wealth simply because we make it easy for the centralized power of banks to exist, simply by sheepishly playing along with the big Ponzi scheme. So there’s an interesting angle – maybe we could file a class action suit against the federal government and banks for colluding to monopolize the money supply! We jest of course. This is part one of a three part series; we’re just having some fun here, but in parts two and three we’ll look at the history of money, and the realistic obstacles to decentralizing the control of it. For now, I’m going to go make millions of dollars. On my fancy Epson inkjet.

Context here if you don’t get this joke

Whenever you hear about something going on in Dubai, it’s probably going to be something epic. The place pretty much is only described in superlatives and absolutes. Whether it’s most famous actor in the world Tom Cruise swinging on the world’s tallest skyscraper in Mission: Impossible Ghost Protocol, the highest-grossing Mission: Impossible film, or the most audacious engineering projects  ever, or merely the world’s largest shopping mall, or highest restaurant, Dubai has the most mostest of just about anything. Which is probably why, when the most powerful man in Dubai  creates a photography contest offering the largest grand prize in the world, one of the first questions asked was Is This The Greatest Image On Earth? We don’t know the answer to that question, but it sure is the somethingest image on Earth, created from 48 panoramic images, each shot at a resolution of 80 megapixels. The screen grab above doesn’t do it justice at all; if you zoom around its 360 degrees, you will quickly discover a pretty exceptional level of detail like the image below. But don’t take our word for it, just go visit the interactive panorama .

Oh. We promised to get to the bottom of things in Dubai too. Amongst all the “ests” you can reference in Dubai, one of the amusingest delivery services is being launched there, the Durex emergency condom delivery service. Please note that that site also has the annoyingest bass audio ever used on a website. And going a little lower, Dubai probably also has the biggest collection of sewage trucks, which line up regularly (video also below) trying to figure out where to dump the byproducts of the world’s most concentratedest collection of toilets.

Here’s a zoomed in image from the panorama:

And here’s the longest line of sewage trucks you will see this week:

This one requires tremendous dedication,
much like the last image below

Remember back in Ye Olden Days of the Before Time, the days of the Dot-com Bubble,  when you and all your friends had jobs that paid $80k+ a year, and “work” on Monday consisted primarily of calling your friends on the phone while browsing Match.com and reclaiming your childhood by buying mint-in-box copies of your favorite toys on eBay? Yeah, me neither. While all those hosers were busy frittering away the capital from the biggest economic boom in history, I was working my butt off starting a business. And as a result, I rarely work on Mondays, because I’ve usually worked ALL WEEKEND. Which is why, as recently as 2009, I still took delight in derailing the MF95 crowd’s week with our Monday Demotivators. Well, the other day, it occurred to me that this was not enough, so I figured it was time to revive The Office Prank. We’re omitting the more obvious “cubicle remodeling” jokes; once you’ve seen one cube covered in Post-Its, foil, or wrapping paper, you’ve seen them all. Instead, we’re focusing more on gaslighting methods. We’ve outlined them below. Just don’t get carried away like the dentist who thought that replacing his employee’s teeth with boar tusks would be good for a hoot. Things might get ugly .

Basic Gaslighting

Every night after the victim leaves work, remove every staple from their stapler except for 3 or 4. This requires long-term persistence to see and enjoy the results

Put scotch tape over the plug-end on the target’s desk phone receiver, and plug it back in. This works as is, but for more rewarding results, call their line, and act like a management or HR figure. When they respond and you “can’t hear them”, start suggesting that their silent treatment is getting them in deeper trouble by the second.

Put a “Voice Activated’ sign on a new machine (fax, printer, copier, etc.) in the office. Here are some official looking documents.

Computer Based Tricks

Take a print-screen of their desktop, save it as the background, then hide all the icons on the desktop.

Reverse the buttons on the victim’s mouse in Control Panel.

Dvorak their keyboard.

Add a USB wireless keyboard and mouse receiver to their station, and randomly operate the extra keyboard and mouse while they work.

Assign pornographic sounds to simple things on their computer.

Install the dreaded Blue Screen of Death  Screensaver.

Change the AutoCorrect settings in Word -

The image below is from Word 2000. It may look different on your version, but the method will be very similar. Go to Tools>AutoCorrect and make sure “Replace text as you type” is selected, then add replacements of your choice in the “Replace” and “With” boxes. Here are a set of words that will take them forever to notice: accept/except; advice/advise; are/our; buy/by; complement/compliment; emigrate/immigrate; it’s/its; loose/lose; miner/minor; past/passed; principal/principle; stationary/stationery; than/then; their/there/they’re; threw/through; weather/whether; your/you’re

Inexpensive Fun

	The Phantom Keystroker V2 is a handy (and maybe less expensive) alternative to the USB keyboard trick above. Just $10.95
	The Annoy-a-tron 2.0 emits the sound you select at random intervals including: Teen Buzz tone (young people can hear it, older people can’t), Cricket chirping, IM Doorbell, Grating Electronic Noise, Electronic Beep. $10.99
	Although they mention no health warnings, you may want to spare children or the infirm. The SHOCKING PEN – EMPIRE EDITION emits a powerful “poke” when clicked. $2.34

You’ll need some crime scene tape for this one:

And a decent cobweb gun for this one:

And we had to include this one out of sheer admiration for the devotion required:

Priced at $2,750, it’s not surprising that
no-one has reviewed the Jurassic-Sized
Parasaurolopus Patio Statue yet.
Why not be the first?

Remember when Wikipedia was new, how we’d start out reading about the history of head-driven phrase structure grammar, and before you know it, two hours had passed and we’d find ourself reading the bio of Greg Evigan, star of BJ & the Bear? Well, now that we’ve absorbed the entire sum of human knowledge, the guilty pleasure of Wikiphilia just isn’t as guilt or pleasure inducing as it used to be, is it. That’s how I stumbled upon my new favorite pastime, “Rabbit Wholing”, which involves browsing only the customer reviews and “Customers Who Viewed This Item Also Viewed” items on Amazon. The name comes from one of the more popular items on the many “funniest Amazon review” lists you’ll find on the web, the Fresh Whole Rabbit. Intentionally plunging down the rabbit hole of Amazon’s recommended products may seem like an exercise in futility, but how else would I learn that people who bought the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer and the Compact Impact Banana Bunker also bought the 55 Gallon Passion Natural Water-Based Lubricant? Not with a Consumer Reports subscription or by wasting hours and hours on Wikipedia, that’s for sure! Below are my picks for most amusing and informative customer reviews. Screenshots are provided in case the product gets discontinued or the review gets censored.

	Avery Durable View Binder Read More Reviews »
	BIC Cristal For Her Ball Pen Read More Reviews »
	Fresh Whole Rabbit Read More Reviews »
	Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer Read More Reviews »
	Compact Impact Banana Bunker Read More Reviews »
	Passion Natural Water-Based Lubricant – 55 Gallon Read More Reviews »
	Uranium Ore Read More Reviews »
	How to Avoid Huge Ships Read More Reviews »
	Ready America 77100 Cat Evacuation Kit Read More Reviews »
	Provolone Piccante Cheese (Whole Wheel) Approximately 60 Lbs $849.53 Read More Reviews »