For some, this is not only the first work day of the week, it’s the first work day of the year. In our ongoing effort to prevent Monday from happening, let’s start with an annoyingly simple yet challenging short-term memory test, Beer Caps. Gave me a headache. Let me know if there’s some reward at the end. I spend most of my life trying to forget things, and here a game asks me to remember things. Moving on: in the tradition of Karoshi Suicide Salaryman (previously mentioned as a Christmas Eve Demotivator) Comedy Central’s Adult Swim brings you Five Minutes To Kill (Yourself). Hopefully you have more than five minutes, because it takes about that long to load, and another five to realize the arrow controls are a little counter-intuitive. And speaking of slow load times, some of you will appreciate the Dial Up Kid. Yes. That thing he’s doing is all he does. Double irony: if you’re on dial-up, you might not find it so funny after it finally loads. And here’s your positive thought for the day: The year is already 1/73 over!

Would You Trust This Man For Spiritual Guidance?

You know that old rule about how you shouldn’t discuss religion, politics, or sex in polite company? Well thank God the Internet is hardly what you’d call polite company, or I wouldn’t have much to talk about. For awhile now, I’ve found myself a little irritated by some of the more rabid atheists in the public eye (at least one of whom seemingly can’t be mentioned without mentioning his excessive drinking). I’ve always been aware that one of the reasons for my joy in goading atheists into a debate was that if they truly held that the foundations of their belief were logic, their side of the argument was doomed at the outset. Agnosticism is one of the predictable results of applying reason to the topic of God, but to attempt to proclaim the absolute non-existence of something is absurd. Much like saying humans have never been to the moon simply because you haven’t. This idea gets summed up nicely in the compelling book Cosmos and Psyche in a few passages where the author points out that in the final attempt to remove all projected beliefs about the universe, one is ironically forced into what is perhaps the (more…)

Unless You’d Like To Spend Forty Bucks On A Commemorative Egg

I feel pretty confident somehow that we’ll see fewer eggs being tossed around  in DC this January 20 than we did in 2001 (although strangely, you can buy a Russian-made innaugural egg pendant to commemorate the event). In spite of an expected record turnout, so far the greatest security concern seems to be whether or not there’ll be enough porta potties to go around. Like the old saying goes: If you have a party and this many people come, you better make sure they have some place to “go”. That’s why someone has already put together the handy guide Where To Pee in DC. For those of you who are lucky enough to have a ticket, a friendly reminder: no firearms, ammunition (real or simulated), or explosives are allowed. And on that note, unless you already do have a ticket, you probably won’t. Unless you have an extra $40,000 to throw around that is. Otherwise the only two hot news items regarding the inauguration seem to be which bible passage Obama will emphasize as he uses the Abe Lincoln bible to be sworn in, and how the hell Rick Warren got inauguration tickets.

You’ve probably heard some variation of “Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like.” Well, we’ve touched on technology you probably don’t need before, but in these troubled financial times, when some of us can’t even afford things we need, it’s nice to know there are lots of things out there you don’t even want. For instance, whether you’re a smoker or not, who would want to puff on an electronic cigarette? Well, maybe it would lend some cred to the same desperate nightclubber that would wear an “Iced Out” LED Belt Buckle. And while all attention is riveted on their midriff message that screams “I’m a dork!“, you might not even notice that you’re laying down a nice rhythm track on their Electronic Drum Kit Shirt while you beat them senseless. On the home office front, maybe you could use a USB Hamster Wheel as a motivator (YouTube clip here ) . The faster you type, the faster it runs. Or if you’ve ever gone into a panic when software tells to you to “press any key to continue” and couldn’t find the “any” key, we have the Panic Button and Any Key combo. And although rather limited in purpose, I can’t tell you how many times I would’ve been glad to have had a TV-B-Gone on my keychain. With 209 turn-off codes, it should shut down most TV’s within 20 to 50 feet. Handy for white trash family arguments and easing the stress of talking to Best Buy sales staff.

Looks Like They Know How To Party in Sydney!

In the words of F.M. Knowles: “He who breaks a resolution is a weakling; He who makes one is a fool”. But don’t let that stop you. Although widely acknowledged that New Year’s resolutions are a foolish idea and doomed to fail, there’s even software to help you manage them (or more likely, document their failure). And if you need help selecting a resolution, here’s a handy list of suggestions, with photos. Though I don’t have any big resolutions myself, I do have some thoughts on the new year here. However, I’d love to hear what YOUR plans, resolutions, hopes, and predictions are for 2009. Feel free to add a comment. And for those of you who only pop by here for the Flash games, here’s one that will go easy on your hangover: Choppa Poppa. Mostly you just pop balloons with a toy helicopter. Batteries not included, and brain cells not required.

If you’re planning to reverse your normal blood/alcohol ratio this evening, be sure to check out our New Year’s drinking tips. Whatever you do tonight, I wish you all the best for 2009. 2008 wasn’t so bad for me, but for many, it will probably go down in history as one of the worst years since 1348, which always puts things in perspective. Now THAT was a bad year. A quick Google search though, tells us that 2008 was the worst year ever for Wall Street, a bad year for restaurants, the second worst year on record for weather-related disasters a “terrible” year for the number of disaster victims worldwide, the worst year for ad revenue so far, the worst  year ever for the global economy, that home sales were the worst in a decade,  and also that some feel it was the worst movie year ever, although they say that every year. Like I always say: “NOTHING IN THE UNIVERSE is worse than hyperbole!” So let’s get on with life. 2008 was a cakewalk. Just wait until 2012, which, ironically, may end up being the worst movie of 2009…So tell me, how was YOUR 2008?

I’ve always found it somehow telling that our traditional method for celebrating the new year was to drink the old one into oblivion. Personally, my new holiday tradition is carefully cueing up the Coen Brothers’ movie The The Hudsucker Proxy so that Tim Robbins jumps at exactly midnight. But since so many of us will engage in the more traditional celebration, here are some thoughts for you. First of all, the BBC has a nifty tool (pictured) for showing, for example, how many glasses of Perrier-Jouet 2000 Belle Epoque equals a pile of doughnuts. This alone may make you quit drinking. If you do end up over-imbibing though, be aware many states are getting tougher on drinking and driving. Illinois, for instance, has a new first-time offender law that gives you 14 days to get a breath-alcohol ignition-interlock device if you receive a DUI (Note: Don’t try using that thing to radio for help if you get pulled over a second time). In the U.K., they have much more experience with this sort of thing. See if, for instance, you think you might pass the Scottish DUI Test. In Suffolk, the police are implementing new methods which include a poster of phrases that drunks find impossible to say, like “Thanks, but I don’t want to sleep with you” or “Where is the nearest toilet? I can’t possibly vomit in the street“. If you DO plan to get plastered New Year’s Eve, here are some simple suggestions 1.) Try not to end up like these people. 2.) When you get home, don’t start e-mailing the drunken flirt from work that didn’t come home with you. If you do, make sure you use Google’s Mail Goggles, and 3.) Practice doesn’t make perfect with getting drunk, but this flash game will at least help you practice staying on the bar stool. And on a slightly serious note: if you or someone you know finds scenarios like these too familiar, the new year might be a perfect time to ask oneself if they may be an alcoholic.

You’re a monkey. You have darts. There are balloons. Any questions?

For all you poor souls whose jerk of a boss is making you work during the least productive week of the year, this is our last Monday Demotivator of 2008. Jeez. Just call in sick, will ya? Here’s some stuff to at least help make you late. A perfect brainless warmup is Bloons. You’re a monkey, you have darts, there are balloons. Should be manageable even before you finish the first cup of coffee. After you realize that you’re not even very good at being a dart-toting monkey, check out Superfollow. It acts sort of like a game, but then isn’t one. While your coffee kicks in, ponder what kind of job that guy must have that enables him to sit around all day designing Flash-powered gizmos that serve no conceivable purpose. Now that you’re finally awake, try your hand at Fancypants, fancypants. My pants must not be fancy enough. I killed a few spiders and became overwhelmed with a sort of nebulous sense of futility. Someone please let me know what happens after all the spider killing. And lastly, if you’re still hell-bent on this “going to work on Monday” thing, here’s a list of words you can’t use at the office next week when the rest of the staff is back, but you might be able to get away with this week. It’s amazing the words they come up with for things like “large European beetle with larvae that destroy trees and other plants”.

Maintaining celibacy is probably easier for some people than for others.

Recently I was joking with a couple of friends about the age old question “How long do you have to go without sex before you’re a virgin again?” There was a consensus that women were more capable of being themselves without a man, so there was a significant gender imbalance. We agreed on something like about a year for men and maybe three years for women. We were kidding around of course; I had no idea people actually took the concept seriously. Although the poor soul who asked Yahoo Answers the question “Can u get virgin again??” was probably a little disheartened by the responses, apparently there are people out there who are serious about reclaiming their virginity through faith. Go ahead and laugh, but remember that (while science may dispute the claims) more than one world religion owes their entire history to the existence of a virgin who actually gave birth! So although it used to be true that virginity was the one thing you’d never find once you lost it, technology is changing all of that. For a mere USD 14.90 you can purchase an Artificial Hymen (for a more in-depth look at this topic see this piece on the surgical re-virgining business in China). There’s even software designed specifically to help you recover your long-lost purity. If, on the other hand you still have your virginity and are trying to get rid of it, there is again a gender imbalance. If you’re a man, this graph quickly sums up your dilemma. But if you’re a woman, your virginity might even help pay for college. And all this obsession with virginity finally makes clear to me why my otherwise hip friends were so happy to take their daughters to Jonas Brothers concerts…

Well, Fimoculous  has fleshed out their best of 2008 list, so you won’t be seeing any annoying “ten best whatever” lists around here (except the condensed Pitchfork Top 50). That Fimoculous list always kind of wraps it up. I think for a lot of us the single best thing that happened in 2008 is a no-brainer; it would have to be that whole Change thing. Hard to top that. [See comments for explanation of this strikethrough]  For me personally, 2008 was unique in that for the first time in my life (since about fourth grade, anyway) I went a whole year not only without a partner, but I don’t think I even went on a DATE. I’m taking applications for 2009 by the way (I may have lost my looks and be dwelling in poverty, but I’m still a nice guy). MORE IMPORTANTLY THOUGH, I’d love to know what stood out for YOU in 2008, or what you look forward to in 2009. That little comment link works, you know. Have at it. What was great in ‘08? Care to opine on ‘09?