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What’s Drunk, Green, And Probably Not Irish?

Topics: Holidays | 2 CommentsBy admin | March 8, 2009

St. Patrick’s Day 2009


Is he Irish? He mitre he might
not be. But I bet he’s drunk.

I must confess, I’ve never really understood St Patrick’s Day. According to Wikipedia, typical St. Patrick’s day celebrations include: attending mass parades, wearing shamrocks, wearing green, and drinking alcohol. Which, except for the shamrocks, sounds like a cast and extras reunion for the movie Elf or something. Back when I DID drink, I certainly didn’t need a holiday, and although I did dye my hair green once, it was really an accident. In the 80′s, you see, they hadn’t perfected that whole blue hair dye thing yet. And parades? Please. It mostly strikes me as odd that an Irish religious holiday is mostly celebrated by hard-drinking atheists who aren’t even Irish. So if you’re Irish, go ahead, get your blarney on by kissing stones and whatnot. Well, maybe avoid THIS whatnot (NSFW). And if you’re neither Irish nor religious, you might enjoy this secular jab at the holiday. Here at Dissociated Press, we’ll be treating March 17 like so many other sacred days: as an opportunity to gratuitously link to Amazon product pages that never seem to make us any money. For those of you who are trying to be classy about the whole thing (and failing), we have this stylish St Patrick’s Table Centerpiece. For those who have abandoned all pretension, read on. To compliment your Simulated Cleavage “Irish Miss” Vest Costume or your Adult St. Patrick’s Day Sassy Leprechaun Costume, you’re going to need a pimp, and they’re going to need a hat. For me it was a tough decision, but the St. Patrick’s Green Boa Pimp Hat finally won out over the Shamrock Fur Trim Fuzzy Pimp Hat. And of course nothing says “Irish” like “aloha”, right? Which is why we bring you the St. Patrick’s Green And White Flower Lei And finally, proving that we’re not the only blatantly opportunistic bastards around, we have the St. Patrick’s Day 7 Inch Flashing Green Beacon Light. Which I’m pretty sure is just a green flashing light the other 364 days of the year.

Read Comments

  1. Posted by Mr Racy on 03.09.09 6:51 pm

    I’ve never really understood St Patrick’s myself, but maybe that’s because I am not Irish, but i will never complain about a day devoted to green beer, lucky shamrocks, fun costumes, and cheer.

  2. Posted by » Beware The Ice of March & Other Holidays - Dissociated Press on 03.01.10 10:44 am

    [...] Heritage Month, on the biggest seemingly-related holiday, you’ll find that many people are drunk and green, but probably not Irish. I’m also a little perplexed as to how my town is going to honor Newspaper In Education Week, [...]